My dear mother is 90 years old, a widow, and lives alone in a 3-story townhome which she owns. The home is equipped with 2 chair lifts. She doesn't drive, so I am required to do all her shopping, errands, trips to the mall, doctors, hairdresser, PT., etc. She has trouble seeing so cannot write checks and read a lot of her mail. She is afraid to cook at all, even though she has a microwave and countertop oven in addition to a regular stove/oven.

She has trouble doing a lot of things, like watering plants and projects such as moving clothing by season. She has a cleaning woman one day a week for 2 hours, and, lately, two other days for 2 hours. She is threatening to stop that, however.

She refuses adamantly to consider leaving her home, and while I support this in general, I am running out of steam and patience. Given her health, she could live another five or ten years.

We have been eating dinner together every night for the last 5 years since my father passed away (I am a widow as well), and it's becoming a very unpleasant experience for her. She complains about everything from the noise in restaurants to the food and the service. I now dread having meals with her. However, if she didn't see me every day, she would have zero social life. She refuses to go to any senior centers or other activities.

The guilt is weighing heavily upon me. I would like to find someone to cook dinner for my mother 5 nights a week, but I just don't know how to broach it. She is given to tantrums, meltdowns, and general laying on of guilt trips.

I wanted to add that she is capable of daily activities such as bathing, dressing, and taking pills. I have to fill the pill container for the week, however.

Does anyone have any experience such as mine? If so, I would love to start a discussion here.

Finally, I have two sisters, one of whom is cooperative. We all have durable POA and health POA. There is, however, rarely agreement among all three of us. So, how do I approach this situation as the only sibling who is doing most of the work (95%)?

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Avidreader -- your mother's personality sounds much like my mother's. I thought that my mother would at least appreciate my being straightforward, so I sat her down last October, and told her honestly what I had been seeing for the past 2 years, what her doctor was seeing, etc. And then I asked her if she would consider moving to AL closer to me (we live about a 3 hour drive away from her). She was outraged, deeply insulted, insisted she was fine (so, her doctors, neighbors, and her children are all mistaken???). She also said she had NO intention of ever moving, much less moving closer to me. This is a woman who straight out told her husband (my father) that she could no longer care for him, and they'd need to find him a nursing home or AL -- he died within that week. I told my husband afterwards that I felt 'numb and shellshocked.'
What I've done since then, is take over her finances, her mail, and oversee her from a distance. I were to take her on a tour of a facility, despite her diminishing memory and cognitive abilities, at this point she would realize it immediately, and then the s--t would hit the fan once again. So, I wait for the crisis that leaves her no choice. There are many people in this situation.
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Take her to lunch as part of an ALF tour. They generally will provide a meal as part of the intro. Some offer a month trial at half-price. We moved mom into an Emeritus facility at $2195 a month and put down 6K deposit to lock in her rate. Mom only needed Level I care at $200 a month. Since she was married to a WWII vet, we can file for VA Aid & Attendance, up to $1113 a month. This made things very affordable for mom. After only two weeks, she said she was staying. She liked the socialization most of all. Start touring.
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