My Dad is in a rehab facility in the beginning phase of recovery from sepsis. He is still very sick and not out of the woods. My Mother and siblings are all involved in caring for him which is a blessing but my sister, who is his medical proxy, has taken it on herself to be in control of just about everything. She is an aggressive and at times an abusive person. I'm trying not to let her behavior get to me but its not easy sometimes.
Today the family was supposed to have a phone conference with my dads nurse case manager but then my sister called to tell us it would only be with her. I was disappointed because I wanted to be part of this. Also I might have questions and my sister finds questions irritating. I sent the nurse case manager an e-mail asking if I could call her if I have questions but now I am worried my sister will see that as going over her head and cause trouble. I also don't want the staff to see ME as a trouble maker. My sister has already had a couple of confrontations with them. I just want to keep the peace but I am not happy with this dynamic.
My sister is starting to control even the most minute things. Yesterday she announced that we would all be taking turns doing Dads laundry even though the facility will do it. We all have enough to do so I started to ask why not let them and she cut me off saying that they might loose his clothes... end of discussion. I would at least like to give the facility a chance to do his laundry and if it does not work THEN we can take over but I was not given a chance to suggest this. My sister does not let me talk. If she does not like what I am saying she raises her voice and talks over me. Usually I back down because she will escalate and it never seems worth it.
The problem is I DO want some kind of involvement in the decisions around caring for my parents especially since I will be in there helping. Neither one of my folks want any friction in the family so they defer to my sister because it's easier that way. My poor Mom told me the other day that she wished my sister would learn to talk nicer to people but she does not want to say anything to her. My Dad might be stubborn and rigid in his ways but he is just as afraid of confrontation as my Mom.
i guess my question is this. How do I pick my battles with my sister and should I even try? This is nothing new and I had to decide years ago to detach in a healthy way from my sister but now we need to work together and it's not looking good.
I could simply make myself available with the time and energy that I am able to give....do what I can, If my sister wants to create more work than necessary then let her pick up the slack. It's hard though, there are times that her browbeating feels impossible to take anymore. I want to tell her to you-know-what.