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My husband is 4 years younger than me, healthy, competent and helpful. A practical engineer, he can fix and build almost anything. He doesn’t respond well to ‘slow down’.
I am not traveling too well at the moment, leaning on him a lot, but wondering how I would cope on my own. What if he had the problems I suddenly acquired a few months ago?
Are any more of us wondering how much ‘reliance’ is a good idea? It is often one parent relying on the other parent, rather than wondering about your own relationship. The possibility of the ‘support’ collapsing doesn’t get a mention until things suddenly go wrong!
Is it best ignored, or is there a plan?

I think that rather than having to say, "no thanks", at first you say, "let's do this together". It's really important that everything can be done by all the adults in a house, and that children are taught, too.

Nobody knows what the future will bring.
I was often bedridden for weeks at a time, until I had spinal surgery in my early 40s, and I couldn't stand for long periods for a couple of years or more. My daughter already knew how to cook (helped me when little, then experimented on her own) and she did what was necessary. Her boyfriend (now, her husband) used to come round and would help her in the kitchen. They became a very good team. He'd never cooked before, but now he's a great cook!

I think that sharing responsibilities and chores is the best way to ensure that everyone is capable, no matter what happens.
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The reality in most developed countries is - that most people will live to an age where they will need some assistance. 75% of people 75 years old and older have some cognitive challenges. Most of us will have mobility issues. A few of us will have financial challenges.

The best option is to acknowledge the challenges. Prepare as best you can. Be involved with a caring group of people from many generations. Help others that you can. Graciously ask for and accept help when offered.

This week: My mom (80's) watched out cat for a few days so I could treat hubby to a birthday trip out of state. In turn, he helped her with her GPS updates and a few house repairs. Take aways: We need each other. We all can help each other.
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My husband, now 71, had a near-fatal hemorragic stroke in late 2011. He spent about six months in a skilled nursing facility where he learned to walk again. He kept his mental acuity but needs help with all but one of the Activities of Daily Living. Once he came home, I enrolled him in a PACE program through which he gets medical care and some home health aide care. PACE programs are available across the country but participants must live within the service area. All that said, I had to take over all the house and financial business, try to hold onto my very good job (which I lost in 2015 as it became too difficult to balance job with home). That sounds awful but I did have a pretty good glide path, as by then I was eligible for Medicare and got enough freelance work to ease the transition. Anyway, I had a stroke myself in May of 2023 and if it weren't for one of our health care proxies and her husband jumping in to help get my husband into respite care with the help of the PACE program while the first responders were scooping me up off the floor, our story might have ended there and then. I decided to make sure our Will and Trust program had provisions for my husband to be taken care of in a facility if I were to be incapacitated or struck dead. In addition, I am utilizing a system of information for my Executors (I'm using a commercially available one called NOKBox). It has all the contact information for finance, utilities, what to do with the car, and pets. I need to figure out where to put it where it's safe. But trying to nail this down before I can't.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 14, 2024
Con3ilI am so sorry that you had a stroke, reading this post sounds like you are doing well. Praise The Lord for that.

It is good to see you back. Great big warm hug!
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Margaret,

For 30 years I relied on my husband for almost everything. He graciously handled everything while I ran the business (and I ran it Very well). It was wonderful - ignorance IS bliss. Then the other shoe suddenly dropped when husband had 2 strokes. I was completely overwhelmed but survived the trial by fire. I wouldn't recommend this unless your inside is made of steel.

Luckily I made it through that incredibly steep learning curve, but in hindsight I think I would choose to do the *exact same thing*. (It was wonderful during those first 30 years.) And now I'm catching up on the mundane practicalities of living. It Can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it!
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It’s always best to have a plan. My experience is I’ve been talking with my aging father and family members for several years now as I watch my father’s health and abilities decline. Then he fell and broke his shoulder, spent a month in rehab, and being unable to return to independent living with no preconceived plan in place left our family scrambling. All has worked out well, but much heartache and stress for everyone could have been eliminated if we’d had a plan in place.
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I think everyone needs a plan B. My husband and I had decided on a
retirement village in advance so we wouldn't be faced with making a decision at the last minute, after one of us needed extra care. My husband took a bad fall just before we signed a 2 yr lease. He suffered a massive brain bleed and died 12 hours later. I was quite ready to move into a retirement home. I may regret that decision before I know it.
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Margaret, I don't think we have a clue how much stuff we have until we move

I hope you got some help.
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Dear far-away friends, thank you for your answers, which made me feel a bit stupid. Of course I know how to pay bills and where the power switch is, what am I complaining about?

But my issues are different, and might be similar to those of some of our posters’ parents who have run businesses or farms. If you let your man (or your father or BIL) run things, what happens when it stops? How much has he ‘hoarded’ in the back of those sheds?

For me now, the crunch is because we are moving. I have spent the afternoon, feeding DH’s uni delivery lecture notes into the fire, after separating out all the plastic dividers for separate disposal. It took hours, and it could have been done 10+ years ago. That’s just my part of sorting out his belongings, let alone me sorting out my own decisions about double set of things down here and which to get rid of (no I can’t remember what is better up in Alice Springs).

When should we start preparing for ‘the end’? When should we start ‘taking over’ as competent (but not pushy) wives -?---------------
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Peasuep Sep 12, 2024
Ah, OK. Now I think I understand what you’re asking. It’s not that you are needing to develop brand new skill sets like it is for many of us, it’s more that your husband’s accumulated detritus now has to be cleared for your upcoming move and for whatever reason the job has fallen to you. With enormous, daunting jobs like that a person can’t help but feel regret that they didn’t intervene sooner.
But would your husband have welcomed you organizing his papers 10 years ago? Would you have even had the time with all your own home and career responsibilities?

When it came time for us to move, my husband had accumulated a triple car garage packed to the rafters with tools, miscellaneous building materials and scavenged ‘junk’.
I saw it happening, but after a few strongly rebuffed attempts to intervene, I decided it wasn’t my business what he did in his cave. I closed the door (ok, I slammed it a little) and walked away.
I wasn’t thinking the day would come when his brain simply would not allow him to sort or pack or haul it off himself and I would have to do it for him.

Should I have foreseen the impending disaster and started pushing 10 years earlier? I did try. Had I been successful it would have made the move easier but would have caused a lot of strife for 10 years preceding it.

So, when is it best to start physically preparing for the end….probably at the beginning if one can do that without becoming a drudge. Mentally though, I don’t think it’s very healthy to always have the end in the forefront of your mind and I don’t think most human beings are very good at it.
As to when we should start taking over, I’d say not until our competence is accepted as such by our husbands and not as pushiness. For me, I suspect that means never.
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‘Pink’ jobs and ‘Blue’ jobs. it’s how we got through all these years. There was always so much more to do than there was time to do it, it made sense to divide it like that. Now ALL the jobs are pink.

My dad dropped dead at 41 leaving my mom, who had grown up on a farm and had never drawn a paycheck, with 6 kids and without a clue. No way could anyone have planned for something like that.

My husband at 79 is alive but he can no longer be relied on for anything except making things more difficult.
I am grateful I didn’t wake up one morning alone like my mom; I was given a glimpse at the hourglass and even though it made my stomach hurt I started picking up blue jobs and digging into files.
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me pay better attention from day one - lack of time? avoidance of mortality?

A massive re-location when the ‘support’ began to wane gave me an excuse to make sure my name was on everything and the files and accounts were set up in a way that made sense to me. Nothing was ever going to make sense to my husband again. I snatched our new home inspection report and hid it like the holy grail. When something goes haywire with our new (old) house it will be handy.

It doesn’t really matter whether it happens suddenly or bit by bit, one half of the couple is eventually going to end up with all the jobs. It’s not pleasant to think about but it would have been a very loving thing for both of us to make sure the other was as prepared as possible.
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My friends have been married for 60 years. He's always taken care of everything financial, the house, getting people to repair the house, etc. They're both highly intelligent. He brings her up-to-date every year about their financials so that she'll know how to handle things. Great idea - but she's still going to be lost and helpless. She can't imagine that he will ever be gone, even though they've both had some serious health issues. What will happen is that she'll fall apart, won't be able to manage anything. I'm sure of it, and having known both of them for many decades, I've seen how she reacts to things. His plan to keep her informed is great. But it would be better if he'd insist that she take over now, even if temporarily, so she can get to know the ropes. She's never lived alone because they got married while still in college.

I'm pretty sure their adult children will have a problem on their hands!
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MargaretMcKen, there are times I have the same thoughts. What if this or that. I've been somewhat successful in hubby and I switching back and forth chores so he knows how to do things.


But I doubt it he remembers me telling him where is the main water turn off valve or the ground-fault outlet is located in case some power goes out in certain areas of the house. He's an absent minded professor, been that way his whole adult life according to his grown children. Unfortunately he doesn't dress like Fred MacMurray. Oh dear.


I need to get back on the routine of switching chores. He's trained on using the washing/dryer, the dishwasher, the stove, toaster oven, and the garage door opener. I still need to show him how to change a light bulb otherwise he would really be in the dark. Or he would just wait until his son-in-law or daughter-in-law comes to visit.


And hubby is trained to stay away from my tool box, as he has no idea on how to use what is in it. I think the fear of a tool-box is in the genes as hubby's grown son and daughter are the same way. My Dad and his brothers all trained their daughters on how to fix things :)


Yet, I do worry about the what if's, it's just human nature.
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MiaMoor Sep 15, 2024
I love how you have smashed the preconceptions about gender roles.
My daughter was the one who could use tools and change a plug; her husband bakes the bread and is much better with an iron. However, they can both do the main tasks now.
I can also do most things (Mum was in the army and didn't believe in division of work by sex), but I'm too short to change the inset ceiling lights, even with my trusty folding steps. I'll have to get help on that job.
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DH and I are actually in the process of doing the things already mentioned by Alva and Daughterof1930.

Prompted by a few things ….
Things we have learned from watching how our parents lacked planning in some areas .
DH and I will both be 60, next year.
DH has limited function to his dominant hand and it is getting worse . I have significant arthritis in many areas , I do most of the physical chores .

We have added a good trusted handyman , plumber , electrician , landscaper/mowing and will be for the first time considering snow removal , as it is getting difficult for me to do. Our search for an easier to maintain condo has been suspended for now . Waiting for DH to retire to possibly move closer to the kids . We will see .

It is really feeling like we are micromanaging and planning for the end , meanwhile my MIL is still denying the end is coming at age 87 and declining . DH and I have shifted our thoughts , not feeling responsible for rushing in to manage her care and make up for her lack of planning. She is the only one of our parents who did not assign POA to anyone. DH has given it much thought , he will not be seeking guardianship , nor will he accept emergency guardianship if it is ever offered to him by a social worker . She has made her bed and will likely either die in her home or become a ward of the state . It would be difficult to manage being her guardian since she owns a home with her SO and they share bank accounts . They refuse to go to a lawyer to have things spelled out .

I am often thinking recently how DH’s and my parents were not feeling any of the weight we have felt . They entered retirement with excitement , and had long fun retirements in much more denial about anything until hitting over 80. Sometimes I am jealous of their blissful ignorance that they had due to the fact they never had any responsibilities or caregiving for their own parents .

Caregiving that we did for my parents and my FIL has taught us some things , but it also took a lot away from us.

We are both aware that we have relied on each other the past 37 years in various ways . Yes it’s a scary to have that change.
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Oh, yeah.
Margaret, I am WITH you.
It is time to get our names on the utilities, the bills (AAA do Aussies have it? we just needed to call it; I am NOT on it!)

Yes. You are a loyal member of AC. You are awakening? What do I need to do? What should be addressing? What should women (and men) be addressing now that we can/when we can?
And yeah. You should be addressing it now. Join me!

We need to start making ourselves safe. Most of us (sorry) on this Forum are WOMEN and we are not seeing it to it that we can make ourselves as safe as we should be if we are suddenly left A-L-O-N-E. And we may be.
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Anxietynacy Sep 12, 2024
Good point on putting name on utility bills, and all that!!
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A dear relative of mine lost her husband quite suddenly a couple of years ago. She was left alone and had to quickly figure out so many practical matters she’d never considered. It caused my hubby and I to really go over some things he typically handles and some I typically handle, and each learn the other. I now know where the main water shut off valve is for the house and how to turn it off, I know who exactly to contact for his work benefits, I know what he wants to happen to his myriad of tools, I know how to reset the *$#% Wi-Fi and Roku. And the list goes on to make myself less reliant. There are women still who don’t know how to pump gas or pay bills or who the insurance carrier is. We’re all doing ourselves no favors not to learn and be able to do as much as possible. I’m still drawing the line at killing the bugs though….
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ArtistDaughter Sep 7, 2024
My mom didn't know how to put gas in her car and so many other things when my dad died suddenly - suicide. I had been single for many years, and figured practical stuff out, things I'm just not good at, before getting married again, so I knew how to help her. I am constantly turning down my new husband's help. Still, I don't think I know how to shut the water off to my house. I'll have to learn that one.
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Leaning on him?
Oh oh.
The plan is this.
Imagine hubby tomorrow swallowed by the great white shark.
What would you do?
I am serious here.
If you are watching YOUTUBE TV and awaiting the next episode of Naked and Afraid Last Man Standing, you could be in trouble.

It is time to get your name also on ALL bills. Everything. The garbage, the water, the lights and gas--everything.

You know already.
Take care of it NOW.
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Reliance?
What does that mean?

My partner and I met in latter life. We had EACH raised two daughters, to whom we hope to leave our FORTUNES (now is the time that you can giggle).

Therefore, we met with a Trust and Estate Attorney.
We worked out what --essentially--would be what at our deathes.
That's--------------------sorry.....................about the best you can do.

Do see an attorney. Trust and Estate. For the supposition that one of you WILL lose the other. For the instructions of what is to happen when/not if that happens.

See a Trust and Estate Attorney now to discuss TOGETHER with him/her what the two of you wish to happen.....................
IF...
You have now entered the magical land of "what if".
I assure you there is no fun to be had here.
None whatsoever.
And the more there is to "leave to" the more problematic it becomes.
That is to say that having money is a real pain.
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