I found this site from searching the above questions. I read a forum post that related an eerily similar story to our own.
I have mental health problems, diabetes, and high cholesterol.
I am an OIF and OEF Navy Vet.
My gf and I met 5 years ago and the first 3 years were awesome. She is 15 years older than I am. She started going through menopause 3-4 years ago and it has killed the intamcy of our relationship. 2 years ago she ended up having a medical emergency that ended up with 5 surgeries & ultimately an ileostomy bag. I had already been caretaking for her due to obesity and her being unable to do a lot of things for herself. At the time she was still able to do small chores around the house in small spurts.
Now, she is unable to do anything for herself. I get her drinks, food, help her with restroom stuff, showers, emptying and changing her ileostomy. On top of all the other responsibilities in the house.
I am unable to leave the house for more than 2 hours, due to needing to empty her bag, or forbid, a bag leak. It has happened in the past. She gets mad at me. Her mental health problems and trust issues from past relationships works her up and we end up in yelling matches just from me wanting to go to the grocery store. On top of those yelling matches, we also fight at times while changing her bag, happened today because I was at the shelf getting more cloths to catch any leakage and she leaked while I was away. She had just had a shower and felt I was away and took too long and started yelling at me that I was at fault and I should do better. I tried to keep my cool, but I lost it and she ended up crying and having end of life thoughts and statements.
Due to her ileostomy she has tried to end her life in front of me, ending up in the hospital for a little over a week. Each time we have a fight I am afraid of a repeat.
Tonight I ended up talking to a suicide hotline for over an hour because I wanted to end everything. I am safe now. I do have mental health problems and the stress is very triggering. It has always been for me, and as much as I hate it, it is ultimately my strongest weakness. I thought about going to the hospital, but who would take care of my gf?
We have no support system. I had one friend who would have helped, but my gf and her got into a fight over a month ago and stopped being friends. The friend had actually stopped helping us at all over a year ago when my gf yelled at her during a bag change.
She doesn't want to go to assisted living because she views it as a place people go to die.
When we have talked about it she also feeds me guilt trips about not seeing her dogs again, us having to end our relationship if she goes, them taking all her SSI to pay for the housing and care, and being unable to play her favorite games online.
I feel trapped. On one hand I love her and I want to care for her. However, I feel like my youth is wasting away. I love to be outdoors and going places, eating out, seeing a movie, taking long walks, the average dating profile worth of hobbies, etc. With our current situation I am unable to. I can't plan to visit family or friends.
I feel guilty for feeling this way. My grandfather took care of my grandmother till he passed away. I feel like if I can't live up to my grandfathers standards then I failed as a man and my responsibilities to our relationship.
Also, with the virus happening and all the drama happening at nursing homes I am afraid of sending her there to die of getting the virus.
How does one quit being a caretaker if the patient doesn't want to go?
How does one deal with the guilt of quitting being a caretaker?
Am I alone in this situation? (I know I read another similar story, but are there more?)
How can I take care of myself if I am barely allowed to, or unable to go to the hospital? (I need to have minor surgery, but am unable to go because the wound has a high percentage of opening if I sit.)