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My mother came to live with me 3 years ago and we have had a happy time. She is 89 and has been, until recently, very independent. She recently developed problems with swallowing, and ultimately had to get a peg tube to receive nutrition. After this, she went down quite a bit, as her nutrition was not optimal despite our best efforts. She ended up being hospitalized and then moved to a two week rehabilitation hospital. They have determined that she will need to remain on the tube feeding indefinitely. We have struggled with feedings at home. Now they want to tube feed her by pump overnight. I work full time, and I am concerned that she will not be able to toilet by herself at night. She is frail, but has shown a little improvement while in rehab. We are about 4 days into the two week stay, and I am at a loss as to whether I can care for her physiclally if she comes home. I have daytime help for when I work, but no evening/ nightime help. Funds are limited. Does anyone have any thoughts on this. I DO NOT want to put her somewhere before it is the right time to do so. I am just unsure as to if we have reached that time or not. I am so emotionally close to the situation that I just don't trust my judgement. In my heart of hearts I want to care for her as long as I can. I am just unsure as to my ability to do so anymore.

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Hi Southerngirl,
I think you've reached that point. You can be much more emotionally present for your mother if you aren't physically worn out with her complicated care. Since she's in a rehab hospital, she can move directly to a nursing home where the first few weeks will be covered by Medicare. Then, she will go on private pay until her assets are spent down. From there Medicaid will take over. I'd look for the best nursing home you have around you, preferably one close to where you live.
My community has outstanding nursing homes, yet few of us want our loved ones to make the move until necessary. I hope your community offers quality care, as well.
The only other option that I can see is hiring home care at night as well. That will be very expensive and may not allow you to get the rest you need since there would still be disruptions.
Only you can make the decision, but I think you are at the crossroads now. Good luck,
Carol
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@Southergirl I agree with Carol on reaching the point where you have to make a decision that is best for you and your parent. I have entered this same thought several times in the past few months myself. When it gets to be too much we must stand up and say that we can no longer do it. Some days I am okay with it and some days I am totally exhausted and don't want my own father to go to a living facility. It is an exhausting wheel of emotions and decisions and is the hardest I think to have to make. Respite care is needed when caretakers need a rest! We are working on that for me as I write this. Southerngirl have you contacted Hospice care? Hospice is not only for people who have cancer. I don't know if everyone knows this or not but they are there for you in time of need. It would not hurt to give them a call to see if she qualifies for their help. Your situation is critical as I feel Mom is needing professional nursing care around the clock. I am not nurse either and feel the same way with my father. If he was on what you say your Mom is on I honestly do not think I could do it. My Aunt had the same thing with my Uncle and he finally had to go to Hospice. She had been tending to him for months with the feeding tube.

You sound like me as well - I want to be able to do it all for my father too and when you know it is on your mind that you need relief then Carol is right - it is time. As much as we hate to have to think of different living arrangements we must also remember ALL the care we have given them when they have been with us. Like I said I am at the crossroad too and wonder how much longer I will be able to tend to my father who I love so much but as he is ailing, I too am ailing. It is rough situation. I will pray for you and sending healing thoughts your way today. It is hard - the letting go part..
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