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My fil has been in out of hospitals. He has chf, kidney failure, on dialysis recently, and diabetes. My sil had been basically taking over, which I had stepped back since she was the daughter. And like a lot of you had said, "Let her if that is what she wants." But, she wants to be caregiver, when she wants to be. Her husband was in the hospital and she hadn't come up (she lives in another state) so it was left up to me and my husband. I called her everyday and kept her updated. While he was in the hospital, he aspirated and was moved to ICU. I have another bil and sil who stopped talking to my mil, but resumed talking and seeing her prior to her passing. After her passing, wouldn't speak or see my fil for over a year. Now that he is sick, yep you guessed it, they are coming around. Only two people allowed in ICU. My husband and I went to visit him in ICU, and they are in there. Nurse comes in and tells us only 2 at a time. SIL says "WE drove all this way(150 miles) and we aren't staying long, we aren't leaving)." Husband, turned around and walked out. I just waited to talk to the nurse, and then walked out. Fuming yes. The day before, I found my fil, and thought he was dying, the were suctioning him out, due to the aspiration. I was so relived to see him sitting him talking. I went over later that evening, and guess who walks in. Yep. BIL sits down, and nurse tells sil, only two to a room. SIL walks out. I'm sitting there and think"Oh heck, there are going home, I'll get up and let her say by. I say to her " Go ahead Carla, you can go in" she says "Thanks, I'm surprised though". All of them, come around to visit. My husband keeps him lawn mowed, garage was broke, he fixed it, gutters need cleaned he did it. When he got released from the hospital we took him home. We drove over in the car, and they said OH we are releasing him tonight. Had to drive 20 miles back to get the SUV to take him back to rehab. I call and make his appointments, I call to get charitable financing for him, he wants to change doctors, he has confusion from dialysis I calm him, he calls at 2:00 in the morning, I wake up and take the call. Where are they? His daughter, brings his bills to him to sign, but my husband has authority to sign on his checkbook and I've told and told her that. We have his checkbook, she just got a new checks. It's like no respect. SO, wondering when is the right time to get POA? He is so confused, he wants to go home, he isn't strong enough, but I told him if he gets well enough to walk around his house, I'll move in for awhile and drive him to out patient PT. His daughter took his dog to her daughter's house, because nobody was home to take care of it, and borrowed money from him to put a fence up at daughter's house...for the dog. I have his insurance cards, she has his wallet with his credit card. He asked where his wallet was, and I asked her. She said I have it, he doesn't need it. Just not sure where to step back. When she is here, she wants to be "the caregiver" when she leaves, she "allows" my husband and I. We do all the work really, she just visits, day and night granted. Even the discharge nurse calls her I've never talked to the discharge nurse, and I was there when he was discharged! When is the time to get POA, for his protection?? sorry it's so long

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He is out of ICU and back in nursing home/rehab blannie. He isn't good though. He is still so confused. I know dialysis can do this to you. But he isn't the same person. I feel so bad for him. Something isn't right. Some doctors say dementia some don't. Neour says she can't say, since his neur said in Nov he wasn't. Asked how they diagnosed him. Sil said a few questions and EEG. She said that isn't how you diagnosis it. I wonder if now would be the time. Last October we were wanting to, but everybody dragged their feet, and my husband said he was tired of me talking about it. Nursing home said today the needed a dnr if that was his wishes and since sil signed for one at hospital. I think I need to step back and let husband and sil figure out. Stop worrying about it. To much stress for me.
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For once, I'm not sure if this is the exact time to get a POA for your FIL or not if he's still in the ICU. I'd call an elder care attorney in your area and ask him/her about it. The attorney would need to come and talk to your dad to understand his wishes, then write it up and get signatures. As an alternative, you can buy forms at an office store, but I'm not sure if those would be the best thing if there are liable to be arguments/disagreements about whether dad put the right person in charge or not and whether the paperwork is legal.

You should absolutely talk about a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order for your FIL right now in the ICU. If he doesn't want his heart restarted if it stops, you need to get one of those completed now and on file with the hospital. If your FIL wants to be brought back if his heart stops, then you don't do the paperwork. I have (had) DNRs on both my mom and dad, who were in their 90s at the time and clear on their wishes not to be resuscitated.

What you're facing right now is exactly the reason families should insist on getting POAs done while their loved one(s) are doing OK and of sound mind. I'm sorry you have to go through this difficult situation.
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This morning another doctor said my fil does not have dementia, all of this is due to being in out of hospitals and his illness. When they do the testing for (the questions ie: name of the president, repeat back the sentence I said to you a few minutes ago) should someone be there with him? Saying things like "Come on dad, you know this answer." Anyway, now that they say he doesn't. Good time to get POA? And talk to nursing home/rehab about sil living out of state and being health representative? My husband is asking me these questions. Also, my husband is the only one that is allowed to write checks on my fil's checkbook. And, as sick as he is, my sil is taking bills to him, making them out and having him sign them. I told her, give them to your brother, he'll pay them. I think she doesn't like to believe her dad isn't able to maybe? He seems ok, but then again, like I said, he gets confused, ask for his wife, thinks there are 3 people in the rehab room with him, and gets mad if you try to correct him. Just not sure what to do.
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Your FIL is well past the time he should have designated POAs for both healthcare and property. If he's still of sound mind, you need to sit down with him (your husband actually since he's the son) and talk about what your FIL wants. Then get the paperwork signed, sealed and delivered to any healthcare facility/doctor/group you deal with. Good luck with easing your SIL out of the decision picture if she's not the one who is available or who your FIL wants to make those decisions.

I'm 63 and in excellent health, but have already done my own POA paperwork. My parents had POAs designated (and wills drawn up) well before they were needed, so I had good role models.
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sweetness, I believe the POA and the health care decider should all be LOCAL people at all costs.
I'm in a situation now where I am in fact the LOCAL caregiver, doing literally everything, yet my parents did the "traditional" thing and had the eldest male child be the POA. there are also other sibligns, all out of state.
it's extremely difficult to do the day-to-day cares, because the out of state sibs either a)don't believe you, or b)don't care. Either way, you're in a bind if you don't have the POWER to make choices and decisions WITH your parents (I say "with" because my parents are still all there, some day maybe not, but I'm the one they see on a daily basis).
It is extremely dangerous FOR YOUR PARENTS to have an out of town POA or health-care decision maker. None of them will have the day-to-day fine tuning that a local caregiver will have.
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looking through the nursing home (rehab) papers that are given to the doctors, when he was at the emergency room, again. I saw a paper that the nursing home and my sil had that name her health administrator should my fil not be able to mentally think for himself basically. My husband is named second. Does it matter that my sil leaves in another state and we live in the same state, a mile away from him? My husband didn't even know about this meeting. I think him and sister need to sit down and talk, they both can't seem to do that.
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POA should be obtained as soon as the elderly person needs a caregiver, if not much sooner. I had POA for my mom and dad when I was 22 year old. I didn't need it until I was 39. Whoever has POA should be in the same state as the elderly person. Ideally it should be a family member but that's not always the case (a close and trusted friend would be appropriate).

Trying to get POA when there are irritating family members hovering around and when the person is sick is not an ideal situation especially if your FIL has dementia. If he has dementia he may not be able to sign the POA or even designate a POA. One person should be designated POA. I've heard of co-POA's but that can get messy and make matters worse.

If your FIL is lucid he should designate POA now. And while you're at it he should also designate someone to be his advanced care director, someone who can make healthcare decisions on his behalf if he is unable to. This doesn't necessarily have to be the same person as the POA. These are 2 separate jobs.

Good luck. I hope it's not too late.
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