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My sister in law (60 & only child) has decided to retire early to care for her 90 year old parents with numerous health issues. Admirable but not. She’s made the decision with “her” understanding my brother and her children will help. My brother has made it clear that her parents need more care then they can provide. Both have dementia and have been in the hospital recently. My brother still works and has to assist with our 95 year old mom. My brother, my niece (30) and nephew (24) are the “ caregivers” - my sister in law directs but never does. She sent her daughter in to get Grandpa up (Grandma was in the hospital) to find he had soiled the bed. That’s hard especially when you didn’t raised your hand for it. Knowing what you can do and doing it is fine but volunteering others to do what you signed up for is not.
My brother and the children help but caring for two 90 year olds with multiple health issues and dementia isn’t easy. My sister in law will not even consider bringing in an aide. Can’t get a straight answer on that. My brother sadly complies as to save the family but he is totally overwhelmed as is my niece and nephew.


I mentioned my 95 year old mom -I’m one of 5 children (most still working and 2 live out of state) 3 years ago we realized to keep mom in her home we needed help- and Mom is in decent health except for her memory. Now we have someone 9-5 Monday- Friday and we take up the slack at night and weekends. We did this because it became overwhelming and that was with 5 of us!! Why doesn’t my sister in law realize that it’s unfair to take on being a health care giver when you’re not doing but only directing?


I don’t think my brother is alone - what can he do ?

Your brother needs to speak up for himself. Same with the his children. Time for them to learn boundries will help them in their lives.. Grandparents are not the responsibility of grands. I hope that when Grandpa had the accident, SIL didn't have daughter clean up grandpa.

I agree that you need to back off. Its between brother and his wife.
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Laugh
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Beatty Sep 4, 2020
That's what my DH did when his sister attempted to assign him duties!

He brushed it off with honesty, a shrug & a laugh.

So you volunteered to do it all, so... what's the problem? You *feel like* we all should help? But we all didn't volunteer - YOU did. If it's too much for you then just say no.

You want to roster every family member on set days & times? Nah, that doesn't work for me. If she wants something, she can call me herself. If I can do it I will, if I can't - I can't.

But more heat from SIL's end as she tried all her tricks to manipulate & guilt. He just blew her off. He didn't even seem to give it another passing thought.

It opened my eyes wider. To look out for those that say 'yes, I'll help you' but then delegate to all. An incidious mix of power to control & delegate work to others & low esteem, wanting to be thought of as the 'best/most caring child'. Not evil, just unenlightened. Some good ole boundaries fixed that up!
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Your brother cannot count on you to speak for him.
You can only speak for yourself.
Suggest to your brother that he and his family sit together calmly, make their decisions and then inform your sister.
That is to say, stay out of it. WELL out of it. Let them handle their own business.
When she approaches YOU, you will be ready.
You will never have control of your SIL behavior, nor of your brother's behavior. You and your husband can only decide what YOU are willing to do or not to do.
If you feel that the family would like to meet about this decision, then ask if they would like to meet together, then go to the SIL who is caring for the elder and saying what they are willing to do, what they are not.
Otherwise, and I think wisest by far, say what YOU are willing to do, and refuse to gossip about this; that will create awful damage. Just encourage everyone to make clear what they are and are not willing to do. That will let SIL know if she can continue down this difficult road.
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Beatty Sep 4, 2020
Excellent. An honest & strong approach💪.
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Unfortunately all your DH can do is say NO.  He cannot protect his nephew or nieces.  Hopefully your SIL will wake up
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CAGNHP Sep 3, 2020
Thank you so much...
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Your SIL wants to take credit for helping her parents but she is too lazy to do the work. Your brother and his kids probably don't feel they can leave this elderly couple without any help, but your SIL's behavior makes me angry.

Your brother and niece and nephew need to tell SIL thatto arrange for hired caregivers or placement in a facilty. If her parents do not have money for this, then your SIL needs to "provide help" by going back to work to make money for paid caregiving.
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CAGNHP Sep 3, 2020
Couldn’t agree with you more!!
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Flip that SIL the bird.

Sorry, probably not an appropriate response - but you get my drift.
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CAGNHP Sep 3, 2020
:-)
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He complies to "save the family"?

How is he "saving the family"?

He and his children should say, "no, we can't possibly do that" and stop showing up.

To quote Ann Landers, you can only be a doormat if you lie down.
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CAGNHP Sep 3, 2020
Thank you/ always loved Ann Launders!!
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