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My mother is dementia, has considerable health issues. I do not feel that my stepfather takes care of her as he should. He would rather be out in the garden or woods, than stay in and take care of her. She has heart disease, diabetes, cannot walk without a walker. She falls quite regularly, with major bruising, but no broken bones yet. There had been talk of hospice coming in, but I haven't seen it yet, and doubt if it will ever happen. My stepfather is afraid of losing his land/property if she goes into a home, but that is where she needs to be. I live five hours away, and am unable to come and help. What has to happen before the state would admit someone to a nursing home?

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Womanvet; I hope your mom is okay, but sometimes hospitalizations like this are blessings in disguise. Physical therapists should assess her walking and physical needs; a geriatric psychiatry consult would be a good thing to ask for, since they will also need to talk to your stepfather. Discharge planning is key here; if you can be there, you can bring up your concerns about your stepfather's ability to care for her ON HIS OWN. Point out how far away you live and how little support he has. Poor man must be burnt out doing this on his own. Good wishes to your mom; be strong!
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Why don't you take her to your place? you can take care of her 24*7. And if it seems difficult , you can can consider sending her to a reputed retirement home. I know it sounds weird but it could be a best option for you. my Grandpa is 79 and he lives in one of the best retirement Homes in Ottawa. They take care of all the needs of seniors and their staff is fully dedicated to serve them.
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Yes, she fell again - yesterday on the way to the doctor's office. The doctor put her in the hospital and that's where I'm headed. We do suspect some dementia on his part, but can't prove it. When I get to the hospital I will try to talk to a social worker. If they would at least get hospice, which had been talked about, I wouldn't worry so much. Maybe now they'll listen. Thank you for your assistance - I really do appreciate it.
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Unfortunately it would be your stepfather's decision to put your mom in a NH. Spouse trumps adult child. Unless your stepfather has dementia, then that's a gray area.

If you lived nearby and if your mom fell again you could suggest to your stepfather that he call 911 and have your mom taken to the ER for an evaluation. From there you talk to the nurse about your concern for your mom living at home with little assistance from your stepfather. You could emphasize to the nurse that you'd like a social worker to do an evaluation. A social worker would be called in and you'd go from there. But again, if your stepfather is resistant you may not be able to get anything done but at least you'd have a voice "on the record".

Regardless of whether you're there or not your mom's wishes and your stepfather's wishes would come before yours. You'd have to get your stepfather on board.
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Hi womanvet,

There are similar question's on our site, we thought these might answer your caregiving question.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-its-really-time-for-nursing-home-or-something-similar-165848.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-its-time-for-nursing-home-163679.htm

Hope this helps.

Best Regards,

Ashley T.
The AgingCare.com Team
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