I am the sole provider for my mother and her POA; although she named my sister her medical director. I am at my wits end as my mother has become more selfish and demanding than ever and expects me to be responsible for her happiness. No one is supporting me in the family with her care, and I have three caretakers providing for her care. She doesn't understand my decisions for obtaining extra help, even though I have explained it over and over to her. She questions my every decision yet depends heavily upon me to provide the "best of care" with her demands. I am at my wits end; and feel pressured to get out of the POA, but feel bad that she will have no one reliable to step into my shoes. She was in an assisted living, but refused to share a room with someone so she could remain there on her available finances. I am SO tired of changing my plan of care just to accommodate her and keep her at home. It is draining me and causing me much grief and her much sorrow to experience my angry outbursts when I feel she is too ungrateful and disagreeable with my efforts to help her. I have been taking care of her now with no life and no vacation. Any suggestions as to how or should I go on?

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First, you need to redefine or maybe set boundaries on your notion of care giving. You cannot make your mother happy; not at all a realistic goal of care for anyone, much less a senior with dementia. You can provide a _safe_ environment and offer some to many opportunities for socialization and pleasant experiences like those provided by an adult day care, AL/MC or SNF.

Second, care giving should never harm you. The limits of your own health (physical and mental) should never be exceeded for any kind of continuing basis. Many of us may push against the limits for a short duration during our elder's health crisis, but when that level of effort becomes constant, it's time to get more outside help. You _must_ put your own health first in order to be around to make sure your mother has the care she needs. Do not become one of the 40% of care givers who dies before the person needing care.

Third, almost every senior with dementia will eventually require 24/7 supervision and support that is almost impossible for a single caregiver to provide. Considering the health concerns you and your sibling have, your mother will not be able to remain in her home. Usually transitioning to another environment is easier the earlier in the dementia journey, while the person retains more mental capacity to adjust and cope.

Fourth, some classic dementia changes are selfishness and being unreasonable, as well as the angry outbursts and rants. That's not really the mother that raised you talking, that's the disease. Her brain is broken. She cannot see the pain and stress her rants are causing you and even if she did, she is no longer capable of really caring. She wants what she wants now, regardless of how desirable it is, and she wants you to provide in NOW! Think of her tantrums and decision making ability to be roughly the same as a 2 year old. Your mother's rants should not impact your decision making about her care.

Put your mother back in the AL, oversee her care from a distance, limit your contact if needed and I believe you will find your POA duties manageable.
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No man, woman or child gets to have it all their own way all of the time, what you are trying to do for your mother is impossible. I think you need to be realistic about what you are willing and able to give and then plan around that line in the sand, stop allowing yourself to be totally subsumed by her wants/needs. No one will ever pick up the slack as long as you are killing yourself playing hero, you need to be the one to step back first.
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TNtechie and cwillie have made a clear summary for you. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness (it's not even possible at this point). And, if your own health degrades while your mother still is alive, you won't be able to care for her anyway. Put on your own oxygen mask first, then you can move forward. She sounds like she needs LTC, not AL, based on your profile info. She's on Medicaid. So is my MIL and she gets stellar care at a great place. No, she doesn't like having a what? It is what it is. Call every great NH and ask if they have any Medicaid beds open. That's how I placed my MIL. Bless you for all your unselfish care for your mom. Wishing you an open Medicaid bed for her in a great place nearby and peace in your heart as you reclaim your life.
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You don't "give up" on taking care of her...You change the way you care for her.
She goes back to Assisted Living.
You can coordinate care, you can visit and leave when you want.
You are NOT responsible for HER happiness.
You are responsible for YOUR happiness, and your mental well being.
I have read the other responses and I doubt that you will get one that will differ from any of them are not giving up on her care, you are changing the way you care for her.
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Place her back in AL, that is where she needs to be. If she didn't prepare for her old age monetarily then she will have to share a room, so be it.

I totally agree with the other posters, change your mindset and do what is right for you and her both. Don't let her dictate your life to you.
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Really, I am not trying to be rude here but if SW stands for Social Worker, weren't u trained for scenarios like this? I know, when its your own mother things are different.😊

Your Mom has Dementia/ALZ. There is no reasoning with her. She can no longer process what you are saying or it takes awhile. The can no longer retain information. Your sister and you need to have her declared incompetent to handle her own affairs and make decisions. Once that is done, the ball is in your court. As financial POA it is anyway. Then Mom goes into a nice AL and if sharing a room means her money lasts longer so be it. Its now no longer what she wants but what she needs. Neither u or your sister need this stress. Once she is placed, your responsibilities will lessen. You just make sure she has what she needs. Visit when u feel like it. If she starts giving you trouble, you can leave.

Good Luck and come back with an update.
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