When should I tell my dad he can't go live at home anymore?

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When should I tell my dad he can't go live at home anymore?

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On Sept 23, my parent's were in an auto accident. My mom died at the scene, and my dad suffered a heart attack and a broken ankle/leg. I am the only child who can help, as my sister is blind and an alcoholic. The man who caused the accident was looking at a video on his phone while driving, and he went left of center, killing my mom instantly, and injuring dad very badly.

Dad has had two surgeries on his leg. He had a heart cath the day after the accident and a stint was put in, due to heart blockage. Dad is now in a very nice nursing facility for his rehab. I have POA for dad. He has lost quite a bit of weight, and he eats very little. He basically lies in bed all day. He does get some therapy, but he needs help with everything. He is 81 years old. I know Dad will need skilled nursing care for the rest of his life. Before the accident, he was starting to fall down alot. Mom was concerned about his memory, and told me very plainly, that if she dies first, dad has to go into a home. Dad thinks he will be home by Thanksgiving. I just can't seem to tell him that he's never going home. How do I do this?

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My brother and I decided to keep the answer to mom, simple but add that she had to work at it. "The doctor says you can go home when it is safe for you to live there. You still need to do some of the work to get better"

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My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your mom. Your dad is lucky to have you as his advocate. Letting his care team and doctor tell him he can't go home "yet" is a good idea. Then maybe start being enthusiastic about the wonderful Thanksgiving dinner you're all going to share at his care facility (usually they have one that family can attend). You wouldn't have to use the word "never" and in fact can steer away from that sort of discussion. In the longterm, you may need to steer in that direction, but his cognition may fade fast and the conversation would necessarily change or not happen at all. I wish you the best of luck in a heartbreaking situation.

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I think you do it gently, certainly, with honesty, and perhaps with a social worker present to help you. This is a conversation that must be had and while NO ONE likes what has happened there are realities involved. I would not rob him of all hope. But I would tell him what you have told US about what you saw or noticed before the accident, what the realities are now of his wife gone, and his health being what it is. Then I would tell him "If things remain as they are healthwise, and if your condition in terms of mentation and mobility don't change markedly, you will never be able to return home. At the best it will be months before we can reassess and see where things stand. Cry with him, rage with him, but the realities will not change, and you cannot make them change. Not everything can be fixed. I am so sad for your Dad, and for the heartbreak of having to tell him, but only the truth works in these circumstances, if ANYTHING can work.

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Perhaps let his doctor tell him the news so you don't have to be the bad guy.
Or you can tell him that as soon as he is able to care for himself without falling or needing any assistance then his doctor said he/she would consider letting him go home.
I'm guessing that he already knows that he won't be going back home, though he may be in denial right now.
Best wishes.

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I think, deep down, he knows he can't go home. I really like your advice. Thank you.

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Depending on his cognitive abilities, you can use the ‘therapeutic fib’. Things like “You can’t go home until the doctors clear you.”

What an awful thing to happen to your parents… and all due to an idiot who obviously didn’t care about anyone else on the road. Hope he gets charged with vehicular homicide.

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Thank you, I like the therapeutic fib idea. My mom was really starting to worry about him. She was afraid he was beginning to lose his memory. That careless man (he is 28 years old) ruined my dad's life. Mom and dad were still very independant. Mom was the sharp one. She really watched over dad. Her death was instant, which is a blessing. She had COPD, and heart disease, which would have killed her slowly. My poor dad doesn't want to go on living.

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When should I tell my dad he can't go live at home anymore?

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