When should I step back and say I'm done?

I think you should say “I’m done NOW” and step back and let her kids step forward to care for her in your stead. Her kids would be much more likely to “make something happen”to find a place in a care facility more quickly if they were the ones caring for their mother. If that is not something they can do or will do for their mother for whatever reason take care of your MIL by alerting her doctor about the situation and your burnout. Then ask her doctor to authorize palliative care and additional in-home care services that Medicare will pay for with her doctor’s recommendation and the necessary paperwork.

I have been in the same sort of situation with my mom and father for 5 years struggling to do everything you’re doing with no help from my 2 siblings and now my own health is in jeopardy. I’ve finally realized I am the one enabling the situation to continue and on the advise of 2 of my physicians I’ve said to my family “I can’t and more importantly I won’t continue to take care of our parents by myself” and I’ve stepped back. I’ve set up palliative care through their doctors and talked to health care agencies and private care individuals and given all this information to my family. My parents prefer that I take care of them but I cannot continue to do so and If my parents and my siblings don’t want to utilize the services I’ve lined up that’s their decision but I’ve done all I can do. I have to take care of my own health and emotional wellbeing.

I think you should do the same. Make sure your MIL is cared for but realize it doesn’t have to be you providing the care. God bless you with whatever you decide to do.

Geeeez, it looks like you are doing most of the work. I can see why you’re feeling resentful. Tell your husband that you are tired of doing everything.

I love Beatty’s idea of looking at assisted living facilities and pass along the brochures to your husband.

Tell your husband to select a couple of facilities for he and his mom to tour.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I have seen this work out. Where a Daughter-in-law (DIL)was #1 caregiver. Husband's work was the career, wife's work was the children, elders & home, maybe working part-time outside the home too.

Sometimes the DIL is just better at it. Has the heart & the apptitude. Or has the time, lives closer. Sometimes cultural factors too eg expectations on the eldest son's wife.

Momsthing, I feel like you have The Lead here with your Mother-in-law. Either it has been foisted upon you or you stepped forward willingly. Either way, use your Leadership skills now to steer this boat where you need to.

Go visit a few Assisted Living places near you. Get the costs, meet the staff. Consider what location will work for the family. Consider what activities they have. Is there progressive levels of care? Do they have a specialised Memory Care?

At one place I visited the Manager explained people were staying at home longer nowadays so 90% of new AL residents all had memory loss. 20 rooms were in a locked door area - for the most challenging behaviour. But being a dementia friendly environment was important for ALL residents & woven into everything.

Once you have say 2 or 3, invite your husband to view. Or look at brochures, but for him to see with his own eyes would be better.

Once 1 is chosen, start taking MIL for coffee or lunch once a week. Get her familiar with the place, introduce her to people when you go. Look for opportunities for friendly waves & smiles.

The aim is not to 'convince' MIL, or even your Husband. It is to build acceptance. So you & DH can sign & feel ok with it.

PS My LO *SAYS* they don't want to move to AL.. YET their behaviour shows they are lonely, wanting all day company + their physical limitations show they need soft food & help to dress & wash. Ready as they will ever be.

Mom can no longer make decisions for herself. Its what she needs not what she wants. If POA has not been invoked, get it done. Take her to a Neurologist and ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If it comes back she needs 24/7 care have her placed. Your DH, inform him she is his Mom not yours. Four years in enough, time for him to do some care. Tell him ur backing off.

Are you her only PoA or is your husband or any other siblings also PoA?

If you're the only one I'd use that authority to get her into AL or MC whether your husband agrees to it or not. It's more than both of you should be doing. No point in both of you burning out.

If you're co-PoA then I'd have a discussion with your husband to let him know you are 100% done with the caregiving and that you don't think your marriage can withstand him orbiting around her.

The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for the caregivers as well. So, it's not working right now and will only intensify. Hopefully your husband will know to prioritize you and your marriage over his Mother. This doesn't mean he doesn't love his Mother, but there's other solutions for her, and she doesn't have to agree to it since she is already cognitively impaired and has lost her ability to use reason, logic and have empathy, and now the PoA is fully active.

One thing you could do is resign POA. With two others, she doesn't need you. Another thing would be that you go back to work and don't care for her anymore. MIL has in-home help, and her children could certainly step up to do the rest if they want to keep her at home. The only way that's going to happen, apparently, is you stop being Ms. Reliable.

None of this means that you don't love MIL, which someone is likely to accuse you of, but you don't have to take it. Rehearsal speech: "I love dear MIL as much as any of the rest of you. I've proven that by quitting my job to look after her, handling her bills, going over there on weekends and ____, _____ and ____. For a long time, I've sacrificed my mental health, and I'm not willing to do that anymore. MIL belongs in a facility now. Since I'm no longer POA, that is your decision to make even though MIL says she's not ready yet. You decide. I'm going off to my new job now. Buh-bye."

This is the road map. You're the one who has to nail it to the door and be willing to follow the breadcrumbs out of the maze. Good luck!

YOU tell us this:
"I stopped working to help care for her three years ago, within this last year we have hired in inhome care every morning during the week. We also have meals come everyday during the week. Just for my mental health. But I'm really starting to resent my hubby, he hasn't been there to see her since Xmas."

When should you step back and say you are done? Yesterday would be my answer.

So your MIL is still living alone?
Is she safe to do so? If you are doing her bills I am assuming some level of dementia?
And now you tell us that you are not working (means not saving for your own aging care and maintaining your own independence) and your husband is not participating much.

You don't tell us WHAT ONE PERSON is the POA here.
Because I am thinking you need now to get everyone back together, tell them you cannot manage care and you feel you should not be responsible to do so, that you wish to go back to work, and that MIL needs AT THE LEAST ALF. Sounds to me she may need more at this point, but start there.

As long as you do this you are enabling the bad decision making that is going on here.
I think perhaps it was Beatty, but SOMEONE here used to say "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are ALL the solutions".
I never forgot those words.
Truer words were never spoken.
Good luck. Hope you will get the family together and discuss.
Hpe you will update us and I wish you the very best of luck.