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Jro, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Know she's at peace and is not longer in pain. The mighty father will take care of her, she's happy in heaven doing the things she loves to do, and dancing among the angels. Sending prayers your way.
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jro . am sorry for your loss .
i lost my mom 20 yrs ago , she had cancer .
it was fast growing cancer spread like wildfire .
glad ur mom went peacefully ,
again am sorry for ur loss ....
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My mom passed away last Saturday peacefully so she was able to stay at home. Thank you for your comments. I agree tht safety has to come first.
Thanks everyone for your help.

Jro
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Any time health issues and personal care issues get to be too much for someone with a lot of love but no formal training would be a good time to consider an assisted living or skilled care facility.

Not only is your sanity at stake, but also, the welfare of your parents. Believe me, I know how hard it is to make decisions for someone used to make decisions for me but sometimes there really is no other option.

My mother lived across country from me, I was a long distance caregiver for her. It took her falling out of bed and breaking her hip to get her into a skilled care nursing home. She went there for rehab after her operation and was never was able to regain her mobility. She was on private pay for many years until her assets were gone and she qualified for medicaide.

I never had to have the conversation about moving her from her home but I tell you, I would rather do that then have had her safety in jeopardy like it was. She spent the whole night on the floor, cold and in pain, despite the fact that her husband was in bed in the same room and we had an emergency button she could have used. He slept right through the whole thing!

Sometimes, we have to play the bad guy, take the tough stand and insist on certain things for decency and safety sake. There are legal avenues to get guardianship to be able to make those decisions if it comes down to that.

I would rather be guilty of caring too much and knowing my limitations, than guilty of neglect. Just my opinion.
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Some very good suggestions have been offered here..My question to that of yours is can you Mom go into Assisted Living rather than a Nursing Home...If so check out Not for Profit vs For Profit facilities..This may open some windows of opportunities for everyone, the same would apply to a nursing home facility as well. I would think that a social worker from your area on aging can help you along these lines, and do an evaluation and advise you what steps to put into action next.
Good luck!
Hap
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Hello. Putting your mom is a personal decision. Don't let guilt get in the way of doing what's right for the both of you. I care for my 86 you old mother with middle to late stages of Alzheimer's. I've been caring for her for close to 4 years, 24/7. It's been really hard on my family, finances and my sanity. She goes to senior day care 3x week for a short time, which helps her with mental stimulation, social activities, and gives me a break.

Now, mom is having trouble swallowing, having major bathroom issues, has more confusion, and complains her legs hurts. It's getting more and more difficult in care for her. It's only a matter of time before she gets to final stages: total memory loss, loss of bodily function, loss of mobility and seizures. (I get very little help from sisters). I've been fighting off depression and fatigue from caring for her. One day, being overwhelm: I cried at a park near her day care center. I said to myself, "I need put her in a nursing home, I can't do this anymore". I closed my eyes and prayed. When I opened my eyes-It was as if "God" said it will be ok to let go. I didn't have to carry this heavy load any longer. My burdens could be lifted. I felt a great sense of relief. I knew it was time to start putting her in a home. I started to get things in motion, she'll get better care than what I can give her and I can save my health and sanity.
How to get thing in motion, if and when you finally decided.
1) Get Power of Attorney paper drawn up if you don't have them. This gives you the power to sign papers, make decisions, handle issues relating to mom, and take control.
2) Hire a lawyer who specializes in Elderly Law. He will help you legally to qualify for MediCal/MediCare (Government assistance). He will see what assets can be saved, how to distribute estate, and what paper work need to be filled out for her to qualify.
3) Start visit different nursing homes in your area. Look at patient to nurses ratio, cleanness, ratings, meal times, which ones take MediCal/MediCare, etc...
4) Find one the suits your needs and hers.
5) Ask if there's a waiting list?
6) Once things are approved, decide when you want to move her to nursing home.

When I start to feel guilty, I remember that day in the park. I still get the sense of relief, knowing that this is the right thing for me to do. Even if your don't put your mom in home, you still can use the MediCal/MediCare to help pay for day care or addition help. Some home providers accept MediCal/MediCare. You can always look into assisted living, but they are very expensive and don't take government assistance.
Good luck to you.
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Thanks for the advice, it's very helpful to get comments when faced with a difficult decision.

Mom seems to manage OK at home, I do love taking care of her because it gives me a chance to spend more time with her. She is easy to take care of and I do try to take care of myself.

She goes to adult daycare when I'm at work but that is becoming a problem. She likes daycare but lately, it seems to more taxing on her getting up in the morning and being there all day. I got calls from the center twice this week that she was having problems breathing so we know the cancer is growing and is starting to make her short of breath more often. So we daycare might not be an option anymore.

I'm not sure how to afford the high cost of a nursing home or if it would be better to hire a nurse to stay with her at home while I'm at work. I know my mom would prefer to stay in her home as long as she can. I know that is expensive too.

My job requires me to travel and when I do, mom stays at a nursing home and while it's hard for her to say goodbye to me she does adjust to being there so if I had to put her in a nursing home I think it wouldn't be too tramatic but I know she wouldn't like not seeing me all they time, she relies on me a lot, I'm her "security blanket.".

It's important that my mom is safe and well taken care of, but it's so hard to make the right decision. I guess I have to do more research.

Thanks for sharing.
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It was a difficult decision but we placed my mother in a nursing home 2 months ago. She also needed 24/7 care and I had 0/7 time for myself and my family.
Before we placed her I visited various nursing homes pretending to be visiting a resident. I found a nursing home where people do not sit around in their wheel chairs and there is a large enough staff so that no one waits to long to be helped. There are many activities and the residents are all encouraged to spend their time in the living area, yet at the same time they have the freedom to go where they wish on the floor. The place has a real family feel to it.
It's still difficult leaving her after a visit but just as yvonne49 feels, I know she is safe and well cared for.
I waited to place my mom until I was totally exhausted emotionally and physically.

Make sure you take care of your own needs first and if you are unable it's time or past due to find a residence for her.

If my mother didn't have Alzheimer's I know she would never have wanted me to make the sacrifices I made for her when she was still home.
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This is a hard question. I am taking care of my 97 year old father (I am 75) and as he loses strength to help with transfers from chairs to bed to toilet it is beginning to make me wonder the same thing. Quality of life for all concerned is also important. Elderly parents have lived their lives to the fullest and the time comes to think of yourself. Hard choices! I am still struggling with the timing. The thought of my dad sitting in a wheel chair all day in a nursing home still bothers me. If your parent is not safe at home, either with you of by themselves it probably is time for the move. I am thankful I am retired and can be available but I am also missing out on opportunties to do things or go places with the parent care. The choice to move them to a nursing home should not be filled with guilt, if that is the way you decide to go. Lots of luck. MK
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It's a difficult decision, to say the least. I feel for you. Listen to your heart first of all, then your head. Family members had been telling me that my mother needed nursing home care for over 3 years before my mother finally had to enter a nursing home. I didn't listen to the family and am glad I didn't. I took care of mom, cooked, did the errands, shopping, doctors, etc. At least my mom had 3 additional years in her own home. That's important to her and her dignity. I finally knew it was time for long-term care when my mom was forgetting to eat, or only eating very little, no longer cooked for herself, left the stove on, water running overflowing the bathtub, was incontinent, was falling many times (she had a broken rib, bruised shouder, and finally a fractured vertebrae), she was not getting out of bed and wanted to sleep all the time, and basically needed help with everything and just needed to have someone with her 24/7. She could no longer be alone. Mom is now in a nursing home, is very well cared for, and is up, washed and dressed everyday. She is different than the way she used to be, but at least she is safe. Her quality of life the way she knew it is gone -- she doesn't have her independence of living in her own home, but she is safe. I keep wishing for things to be as they once were where she is her old self, but that is not to be. Good luck to you, Jro, you're in all of our prayers on this forum.
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