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My mother is still angry about this after three years. She started screaming at me today -again - because Dad did not come home to her when he left the vent care center. She is a hoarder, had gone through a serious traumatic brain injury two years before Dad's stroke, and rarely wanted to visit Dad. I am a retired special needs teacher with 35 years of dealing with trachs, body fluids, feeding tubes, and patients with brain injuries. Out of our large family , I was the only one who lived near my mother's house which is isolated and hard to navigated due to the boxes.
I visited Dad daily at the hospital and vent care center, was taught how to perform many of the needs he had, and knew the person who would become Dad's respiratory therapist. My son and I have what is considered moderate to severe asthma. The therapist was our therapist. I had found a condo in my tiny condo community that was three doors away from mine. I was still working and had arranged to work 1/2 day while the nurse was there, and still look after Dad. I had a huge support group from my church, my other siblings could have helped some, and I had friends who were retired EMT's and nurses. My mother and alcoholic sister pitched a fit, thought, and wanted him to come "home" even thought the house was over 100 years old and had mold in it. Also, Dad had been deemed capable of making his own decisions by two doctors. Eventually, I found him a hospice between Mother's house and mine. The hospice could not meet his vent needs and Dad was moved from place to place until he died. Could someone please help me put this issue to rest for MY peace of mind? I will not show this to Mom. She wouldn't believe you, anyway, and would just yell at me. Dad had a medical directive, by the way, that was created by his lawyer. My brother and my mother hid it from all medical personnel. My brother was a family practitioner but does not practice medicine anymore due to his lack of ethics in this situation. His friends turned on him. I just want some peace, please, if any of you can help. Thank you so much for reading this. I am looking after my mother and need to create my own joy despite her anger.

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Your mind should be at peace. You did your best, and it sounds like it was not only well-intentioned but that it was right. You have nothing to fault yourself for.

Mother should have nothing to fault you for, also. But as others have pointed out, you provided what she could not, and her shame or jealousy keeps erupting as anger.

I suggest that you sit down with Mom sometime when things are calm, explain that you did what you had to do, it was not done as a reflection on her, and in any case it cannot be changed now. Therefore you will not listen to her accusations about that episode in your lives. When she brings this up, leave the room.

You did heroically in providing the best setting for Dad. Is your house the best setting now for Mother? If you sincerely and objectively think it is, I hope you can minimize this constant rubbing at a sore spot between you. If under the circumstances you conclude that Mother's interests would be better served elsewhere, I'm sure you will do everything you can to see that she gets the best care appropriate to her needs.
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ShadowChild, it sounds like you did the best you could do during your father's last months of life. You were right in not moving him back to a hoarded house with unhealthy air. And you are right to let someone else clean those boxes. I wouldn't get anywhere around them if I had asthma or any other respiratory problem.

It sounds like when your dad moved in with you after leaving the vent center that he had the best of everything -- you and a nurse in a clean environment. But it sounds like he was close to death at that time, since a hospice accepted him. Is that right? There is nothing more you could have done. Sometimes keeping someone as comfortable as we can is the best we can do.

Your mother may feel guilty because she couldn't provide the things your father needed when he got out of the vent center. Many people can't accept guilt, so turn it into blame. Sorry you got to be the target of it. It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong. I am glad you were there for your father. I have the feeling it would have been worse without you.
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She is with me. This was my father's situation three years ago. Mom wanted control but did not like "unpleasant" odors or fluids. I was a special needs teacher who lived with those issues daily. The facility wanted to release Dad to me as well as my husband and 18 year old son. The explanation below the question is long but might explain things. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I now have to figure out how to deal with about 100 boxes left at the family house. I may leave it to siblings that did not help me with Dad. :)
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If there is still mold in the home, it will kill her. If she is a hoarder and screaming at people, the discharge planner should be made aware of her limitations, and may suggest assisted living or a nursing home.
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Vent care at home NORMALLY AND ROUTINELY requires caregivers (normally plural, not just one) to get trained and demonstrate competence in providing all aspects of care. One person alone cannot be expected to do the 24-7 care. A pre-home visit normally takes place and a moldy dirty home would not have been suitable. They check for adequte space, adeuqate power outlets, accessibility, everything.

Irrational anger and blame is usually guilt and inadequacy deflected. Many people cannot admit failure and either do not understand the possibility of or are too proud to accept the need for forgiveness and mercy in their lives.

Deep down your mom may have an aching heart for the things she was unable to do...if this is any reassurance that you did not really do any wrong, I'm glad; its hard to keep absorbing all the anger and regret, but mom may never be able to acknowledge anything else...hugs.
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