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My mother is 92 years old. She is in a home now and most likely will not be coming home. Her husband (not my father) is also 92 years old and is totally blind. He is still living in "HER" home. Once my mother dies, then then he is allowed to stay in the home for 6 months so he can make plans to go to the VA home. He has said all along that when the time comes that he cannot take care of himself, he will then go into this home. Here is my problem. My mother and step-dad have been married for about 25 years. I am certain my step-dad married my mother for her money, and also he would have someone to take care of him. All of the signs have been there that he didn't marry her for love. Anyway, all of their married life, he has had these really young, and yes I will say undesirable women that he gives money to on a regualr basis....like every week!! What I mean by undesirable, these are young women who are on drugs, have been in prison, can get and hold a job, etc, etc. They apparently always come to him for money. Several times my mother has confronted him about this behavior and told him that this better stop!!! Has it..... NO! My step-dads secretary called me yesterday and told me how upsetting this is that he still is giving these women money, and they come and pick him up and he takes them to lunch on a weekly basis. She says that it is very disrespectful towards my mother.....who, by the way is letting my step-dad live scott free in the home. My mother also thinks that my step-dad is taking care of her home, keeping it up......I was visiting my mother, and he was there and she asked him if he is making sure the weeds are taken care of and any repairs to the home are being made. He said "oh yes," My mouth dropped when he said that. He isn't doing a darn thing to that home other than having the lawn mowed....and that is it. Do I tell my mother about how he is still giving money to these women, and how the home is not being cared for??? I'm on the fence about this and don't know what to do. My mother would not divorce him, but she just might kick him out of the house. I don't know. What would you do?

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Gladimhere

Seems like this man has been blind for over half his life, as such he should have been taught to live in a sight world.
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As long as its not her money than let him be. Is there an agreement made up that he is to keep the property up now she is in a home? If so, remind him of his responsibilities. And make sure no one else moves in. Will be hard to get them out.
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Stepdad is blind and he is to do home maintenance, pull weeds and home repairs and is 92? Sounds like he needs a helpful family member to help with some tasks.
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I have to giggle at some of your posts. I have made the decision to not say anything. My 92 year old blind step-dad believe it or not (and this could be a comedy series for sure) is a Realtor. When he first became blind some 50 years ago he knew this real estate broker who owned a real estate company. That broker offered my step-dad a job to basically just answer the phones at the office. So, my step-dad did this for about 3 years. Then an opening came up for a Realtor. My step-dad told the Broker that he thought he could be a realtor if given the chance. The broker told him that if he could pass the realtor's test, then he'd give him the job. He passed, and the rest is history. He has people, (various) that he has hired over the years to drive him around to show homes. Basically he enters the home and stands in the living room and explains the features to the prospective buyers. He does a lot of research on each home so he is familar with the home before he shows it. We live in a very rural community and believe it or not at one time my step-dad was the top Realtor several years in a row. My mother and my step-dad each have their own money. They also have joint monies because they both own together about 10 rental properties. My mother has approximately 8-10 properties that she owns alone. My step-dad has approximately 7-9 properties that he owns alone. I have decided that I will not say a word as it will really upset my mother. My mother has known of my step-dads behavior, she has confronted him many a time about this issue. She has thought for some time that he had quit this behavior. Everyone else knows better. I just think that my step-dad is soooo disrespectful of my mother by giving money to these women.
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Pam and Ahmi, makes you wonder, doesn't it? I could envision a very wealthy magnate, someone like a Rockefeller, or a former president who has a secretary to whom he dictates his memoirs, but for us ordinary people....???
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I tend to agree with the others. She sounds like knew all this before and for years. However, Id ask her if her long term care finances are in order. Nursing homes are expense and so is end of life care . Be sure she has a way to pay for that and then after 20 yrs ..shrugs dont worry about it .
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Me, too. Unless the secretary is, well...um...
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Holy heck,, I also wondered what kind of job a 92 YO has that requires a secretary!
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I'm curious. What kind of job does a 92 year old man, who can't manage his finances, do at work? I checked your earlier post as I thought it might have been the one in which a stepfather was taking over management of his wife's real estate portfolio, but I don't think that's the situation here. Must have been another poster.

I agree with everyone else; no purpose would come of reminding your mother of behavior which she's tolerated for years, despite recriminations against the philanderer/perpetrator. And at 92, she has enough to worry about with her own health w/o complicating the situation.

I'd focus more on getting legal counsel, asking your mother to appoint a proxy and solidify it through a DPOA, unless you think she'd appoint him instead of you. Ask an attorney to help you find ways to preserve her assets so he doesn't bankrupt her in her old age. If you're able to be appointed, you can consider taking charge of her finances and undercut his wanton spending on a more effective level.
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To answer your question. Here is how you decide whether or not to say a thing to a person, and you will find this a useful memorandum in almost all circumstances. The thing must meet two or more of the following three criteria. It must be

1. true
2. necessary
3. kind

So what you want to tell your mother is 1 check, 3 uncheck. What about 2, is it necessary?

To decide that, does your mother *need* to know, you have to think through the consequences of telling her or of not telling her.

If you don't tell her, the situation will continue. Will that cause any harm to your mother? Or - let's make no bones about it - could it impact negatively on you, or on anyone else your mother might care about?

If you do tell her, you know she will be upset. But will she want AND be able to do anything that will stop HER money vanishing into the pockets of these questionable young ladies? - which is what the problem boils down to.

Unless you're pretty sure of what you're aiming for and how to get it, I should shut up.

Of course, you could also tell your stepfather he's making himself look a bloody old fool.
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The way I look at this:

A fool (your mother) and her money has been parting.
A fool (step dad) and his money has been parting, too.
Fools (the druggies) and their monies have been parting, as well.

Is any of the money yours, or will be yours? If no, then, drop it. Don't trouble your mind with fools' behavior.
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I don’t think there would be any reason for you to state the obvious to your mother. They obviously have what is known as an “open marriage” and it is not for you to judge. You don’t mention what their financial situation is, and that’s more important than your stepfather’s philandering ways. Has a Trust been set up for your mother’s care? That would concern me more than anything else. What paperwork is in place to assure that, should Dementia enter the picture, Stepfather would be prevented from bankrupting them?

Your mother has been living with her choice for more than 2 decades. If it really, truly bothered her, she would have divorced him. She’s a grown woman and able to make her own decisions. She’s old enough to know what’s cooking and she could have taken the pot off the stove at any time and thrown the meal in the trash.
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Stay out of it. You say that this is nothing new in their marriage dynamic so although she has been willing to turn a blind eye to his faults she has to have an idea that he is not sitting around at home pining for her. What good would come of rubbing her nose in it?
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