Dad with hoarding/OCD/depression/personality disorder causes him to rage, threaten, lecture, attack in home care staff and they refuse to work, leaving 100% dependent mom without treatment. She almost died from malnutrition because he refused to feed her anything other than the TV dinners he insists on eating. His verbal assaults on her and any care staff put her safety at risk, he is increasingly isolating her from third parties who might provide support or options. He has cut me off for acting on her behalf. He manipulates friends and family members to ensure he has total control at all times. I'm not even sure what is possible, my brother and I both live out of state so it's a challenge and a heartbreak.
Has asyone asked Dad what he needs? What would help him to help Mom?
He's heating up tv dinners. OK, it's not home cooked food, but better than toast every night. He may not know about meal deliveries or companies that deliver better quality frozen meals.
I agree to call APS. Report so a file is opened & they both get the chance to talk about what they need to 'age in place'.
I write this not to disregard what you say re any neglect, but to point out sometimes we don't know the full story.
I have had non-family wonder/question about my LO: not bathed, hair unwashed, stale clothes etc. It was not neglect by the caregivers - the caregivers (spouse & paid aides) were trying hard but struggling to find strategies for my LO's stubborn refusal of hygiene care.
I would absolutely call APS & report the facts I knew, disclose any diognised mental health conditions plus any suspicions of neglect I had.
But if Mom says "I'm fine".. if Mom chooses to stay with Dad above all else.. then what?
They will come out and do an assessment and take it from there. And hopefully your mom will be removed from the home and placed into a facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires.
So call RIGHT NOW!!!