My mom can be...difficult. She talks constantly, she has endless worries, she can come off as a bit judgey, she doesn't listen very well to other people, reciprocal conversation is a thing of the past. Speaking of the past, that's also what she talks about 90% of the time. If I am not at work, I am with her. My brother and sister recently told me that they like to see me, but would like me to leave her home. That's pretty difficult to do as she is with me most of the time and they live an hour and two hours away. If I go to see one of them, she wants to know why she can't come and if I say we want to be alone, she gets depressed or I have to hear about it for several days following or she'll make remarks about 'how nobody wants her around'.
To be honest, it's just more work for me to leave her home, makes my life more difficult and I don't need the extra hassle. I get that she can be annoying, I get that it's easier to chat without her around, but I don't feel like anyone gets my 'reality' though. I never asked them to leave their kids home when they were little and trust me, they could be annoying. How is this any different? It makes me not want to bother to see my siblings. Anyone else experience something similar?
The truth is that they aren’t interested in helping out in any way. That situation isn’t likely to change. I suppose they find it difficult to be around your mother.
Look to other ‘hands on’ caregivers for support instead of your siblings.
If you choose to have a relationship with them and would rather be alone without your mom, then don’t tell your mom that you are meeting with them. You deserve to have a break sometimes.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I do understand. Sometimes it's just more work to plan everything around mom just to have a bit of time away. However, it is essential for your mental and physical health. I always had to give some "good reasons" to my mom when I had to leave home.
Here are a few suggestions. Tell your mom:
--I have an eye doctor appointment. I'll be gone till___. They are going to dilate my eyes so I have to stay for 3 -4 hours before I can see well again in order to drive back.
--I have to work today. Rush/special project.
--Required training class to keep my credential current. I'll be gone for half/whole day.
--I need to take the car in for repair. (After a few hours, call mom back.) Car still in the shop, waiting for some hard to find parts. Will be back around _____ pm.
--(Give some excuse to leave the house. After awhile, call mom back) I have a flat tire or my car broke down. Waiting for a tow truck and take it to a shop. Probably will be back by ______ pm.
Good luck EN. Please take your much needed breaks. Mom needs to get used to being by herself as long as she's till with it mentally.
my brother still does nothing to help but I have forgiven mom as a gift.
to myself. You can be proud of what you are doing, as hard as it is. Prayers.
The question is, when do YOU get to do some activities YOU want to do w/o mom hanging on your ankle like an anchor? Even married couples have individual hobbies and friends they see w/o the spouse tagging along. It's known as autonomy, which you've given up entirely in an effort to appease mom.
Look into all the available resources you can use for sitters, caregivers, adult daycare, respite care, etc. Even if mom doesn't want any of it, don't give her a choice. Indentured servitude is not a part of the agreement you made to care for her, nor is it necessary or healthy for either of you.
Once you agree to caring for yourself here too, maybe then you can change your username to EmotionallyJoyful. That is my wish for you.
Good luck to you
It may be time to consider whether or not you wish to/are capable of keeping Mom at home and still having for yourself any life at all. Just to consider it.
For now, and as to others, tell them what you have told us. To me it seems clear enough what you are saying. Then the decision whether to have you visit or not is up to them.
I sure wish you luck.
This will give you a break as well as mom a break from you. Getting a caregiver is a nonnegotiable thing. No one person can be a 24/7/365 caregiver.
If there is an Adult Day care in your area get mom involved in that.
You do not mention a diagnosis in your profile but I am guessing dementia from your question.
Caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And it gets more difficult as the person declines.
As she declines you will need more help.
And at some point you may not be able to continue to SAFELY care for her at home.
Just as your brother and sister both got Babysitters when they wanted to go out you can get a caregiver to stay with mom while you go out.