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Thankyou everyone for your answers. It seems there is alot of sadness/ different points of view both from both the parent and children/grandchildren. I think I will just concentrate on my relationship with my Mother. If she is upset I will just listen so she can vent/ let her feelings out. I will try to spend as much time with Mum as I can.... I understand I’m not enough for her but I’ve just got to accept it, not get upset for her and feel disappointed with the family.
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lkdrymom Apr 2020
Why is calling them out of the question?
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I too, want to hear from my children and grandchildren. We learned that while they needed financial help, babysitter, transportation etc. we were always called.

Now, that the grandchildren are grown - moved on - busy with their lives we don't hear from anyone. They prefer text, but don't always read. They lie and don't realize we know the truth.

We love them, we acknowledge that the world is changing. We won't stop loving them but we are weary of rejection. We accept that they have lives of their own and one day we pray that they will keep in touch with their children and grandchildren. Acceptance of what is - is hard - but if you don't expect anything you certainly won't get disappointed.

Our daughter went through a seven year phase of "no communication" but when I let her know in the 8th year we were not going to try anymore and we respect her choice - she didn't know what to do. Now, she calls off and on - the boys they just ignore all.

Now, if we hear from them we are happy - but content - by the time we leave this world we hope our example of living will put a smile on their face.
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My mother has never been one to call and 'check' on us kids. She always just let the relationships be 'one sided' and if you didn't call or see her for a year, she probably didn't even NOTICE if you weren't one of her 'chosen ones' (which I'm not).

One year I tried something. After Christmas Day at their house (dad was still living, this was 30 years ago) I decided to see how long it would take for HER to contact ME. Just ran out the year, doing my mom things and she finally called ME the day before Thanksgiving--so close to a year.

I learned then, that I was not one of the kids on the radar and try as I did-I did get drawn back in--after all, she is my mother and dad was beginning the long slow slide of Parkinson's and I would NOT abandon him.

Mother doesn't do the phone well---she can't follow conversations and it just gets so frustrating, she has a cheap cell phone and it's practically unusable. Every few months, if I feel like it, I send out a mass email to all the family and remind them that if they haven't called or visited mom in a few months, they may want to think about doing so.

They either do or don't. I don't care.

Having said 'I don't care' I need to follow that with the statement that it took YEARS for me to get to the point where I don't care. An 8 month long battle with cancer last year and not ONE phone call nor card from her made me realize I am NOT on her radar and if being near to dying doesn't ring a bell in her mind, then nothing would. This after YEARS of 2-3 times a week of going to caregive/clean for her.

I am in remission and doing 2 years of FU treatment. Does she know? IDK. Does she care? No.
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I hear you, MidKid. Similar story here. My mom always favored my brothers but she adamantly denies it.

It’s complicated. All I know is that I will not live my life in turmoil and stress anymore.

I have very little contact with my mom at this time. Not because I am heartless but because it isn’t a pleasant situation.

So, I limit calls. I also keep them very brief.
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I agree 100% with lkdrymom.

Anytime I hear someone complain that they have not heard from their son, daughter, grandchildren, old friend etc., I ask when did you last call them?

If you Mum wants to talk to the grandkids, she needs to call them.

And I guarantee that if she starts off with "I never hear from you..." "You never call me..." or something else along those lines, they will be far less likely to call.

Also a lack of calling does not equate a lack of caring.
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In my experience, you can't. Here's what I do: I send photos of my mom to my brother, sons and one of my grandsons, with little notes about something she said or did. Positive and/or funny. I wait. One of the four will usually respond. Usually the same one, my youngest son. He will stop in to see her within a day or two. The other three thank me for the photo. They can't call because my mom has forgotten how to use the phone without help. If there is a money issue, my brother will respond to me, but not visit our mom. I gave up completely asking them to visit her. The one who does was for a while afraid she wouldn't recognize him, but he's getting over that. I suggested the grandson take photos of his great grandmother for his photo contest, which he did, enjoyed it, and won a prize for his photo. But he hasn't been back to see her since then and now can't with the shut down.

I suggest you stay in touch with your siblings and their kids so you can report to your mom how they are and what they are doing. Ask for photos that you can show her. Tell them her response. People don't like being told what to do, but if you let them in on her happenings and stay positive, they may come around.
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kbuser Apr 2020
This is exactly what I do. Mom can't use the phone or computer, so I stay in contact with siblings and keep her updated. I try to arrange visits for them to see her, too
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Call one of them and put mom on the phone. The phone works both ways. I knew someone who was angry the step daughter never called her husband. I told her the phone worked both ways and she said it didn’t it was the responsibility of the “ child” to call. I told her if that is how she felt she would be very disappointed.
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