i was on the phone and i told her i would help her as soon as i hung up and she still yelled at me and told me to get out I was so hurt I have been caring for her 15 years now and shes not my mom even before I was married to her son
You don't mention your mother-in-laws age but it sounds like she may have dementia. I had a good relationship with my mother until I had to become my parents' caregiver. Then everything went south and mother began yelling at me like I was 5 years old. She had been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease which causes pretty severe dementia but she was in denial that anything was wrong with her. For a while I did not understand her rude behavior was neurological and I took everything personally. When I got her and Dad in an Assisted Living Facility, they gave her an anti-psychotic drug which helped her immensely. If I had understood dementia earlier I would have realized she was depressed and not attacking me personally.
We moved my mother-in-law near us 4 years ago and as soon as she got here she started getting nasty - with my husband because a lamp shade was missing and there were some scratches on a few pieces of very old furniture after the move. Note - he flew to California and loaded a huge rental moving truck in the July heat and drove with my brother-in-law who also flew to Ca all the way back to Florida - because she wanted to be close to us. I started to defend my husband, rightly so, and she turned on me. I was all alone with her when she began yelling and accusing me of all kinds of crazy stuff. Instead of arguing (or losing it myself), I started to pray out loud for her. The tirade immediately ceased. I don't know if you are a believer in God as I am but the Holy Spirit intervened and for the past 4 years she has been nicer to me than she ever had been in the past. I believe God can do miracles and He did that day with my MIL. I don't think she ever wanted me to have to pray over her again lol... And it saved me from saying something I would have regretted later - which is exactly what aggressive people want - ammunition to fight. Praying out loud was like dumping ice water on the fire!
You may think the best person to manage a tough mother-in-law would be her own son, but asking your spouse to step into the middle of a conflict can be problematic.
"In addition to being insulted and hurt, often the wife feels completely unsupported in her feelings, so her husband is caught in the middle," says Radcliffe. "He loves his wife, he loves his mother and, especially if he's young, he's not particularly skilled at negotiating those relationships, so he makes his wife feel like she's doing something wrong." This is a lot of pressure to put on your spouse and, Radcliffe says, as an adult, there is no reason you can't manage this relationship on your own. ---- Personally I'd throw her under the bus
You do not describe any medical illnesses, so I can't address this question thoroughly. However, if she is just yelling at you, when you do hang up tell her you do not appreciate her yelling at you and you are doing your best to help her. Sit down and discuss what her needs are and then tell her what YOU are willing to do for her since you are not required to take care of her. Where is her son (your husband) in all this? Why doesn't he speak up for you? Do not allow yourself to be bullied by your mother-in-law nor your husband. Stand up for you!
loisygirl, I am sorry to hear your mother in law in yelling at you. Your title 'loisygirl' makes me feel as if your mother in law has made you feel loisy for a long time.. I did not know I did not have to tolerate my mother in laws BS. I was 37 years old when my son's doctor said I looked awful and asked me why, I told him my mother in law was in town and was nasty to me, he said 'You do not have to take abuse from anyone no matter who they were. For some reason when I was young I thought because she was a parent figure I would always have to take her crap. After my son died I was a different person so when she started in on me I stopped the abuse. I told her that I will never speak to her again and cut myself completely out of her life. Later I found out she was severe bipolar. I had no idea what bipolar was other than she confused me with her love/hate for me..Like London 28 I too prayed over my mother in law and asked my Priest to pray the evil out of her though proxy. Since that time I have studied bipolar in depth and do not take things so personally when attacked. Now when I am attacked I know it is more about the attacker than me. It is awful to be on the receiving end of someone attacking through. Good luck with all this. Prayer always helps me and always seem to balance the bad. Amen.
My mother went through this stage in her dementia. As far as I can see, it's fairly common. My mother yelled, screamed, screeched, ranted and raved and meds helped considerably. It's just one of those stages. One day she even reported my brother for abuse, the sheriff figured out really quick that this was a case of an out of control senior with issues. Now she's past that stage and is kind, loving, and, for the first time in my life, says she loves me. Be patient, this stage will pass - although another one will appear and maybe it will be less trying on your patience. God bless.
I've read on here before that you should say to them "I'm leaving the room now, and I'll be back in 10 minutes or so. If you are nasty wil me again, I will have to leave again". Of course there is a point where they forgot why you left, but I've done a version of this with my mom and she even said once, " I think you should leave, you're making me crazy too". Thankfully we both laughed about it. I'm still working on picking my battles so we don't argue as much. Not there yet, may never be. With Alzheimer's I think it's an uphill climb. Meds are a Godsend! Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds or what he might see she could be helped with. God bless us all.
Loisygirl -- dementia takes on many forms. There is no perfect identifiable attribute. My girlfriend's father, who was a sweet, mild mannered minister (Episcopal) turned into a mad angry person that would strike out at anyone who "told him what to do." My sister created an alternate reality and created a husband that she hid from the family -- and baby (not) -- and would argue with me about that (my mistake for trying to understand this since she was my first experience. My MIL said that I am responsible for her husband early demise (cancer at 39) but she can't remember where or when (I was in another state at the time and only a teenager), but she now hates me for that . . . just remember that YOU are sane, and that your reality is in sync. Many times your MIL will be looking to you for confirmation of her reality. Depending on how you answer will either assist, or create the most confusing angry situation imaginable. It will come to you out of left field and you have no control of the outcome. Just try to be as comforting and neutral as possible. You can walk away to compose yourself. You can have "me" time. And don't let anyone else tell you you are not doing a good job. If they aren't truly assisting you then they can take a walk too, and keep going.
We moved my mother-in-law near us 4 years ago and as soon as she got here she started getting nasty - with my husband because a lamp shade was missing and there were some scratches on a few pieces of very old furniture after the move. Note - he flew to California and loaded a huge rental moving truck in the July heat and drove with my brother-in-law who also flew to Ca all the way back to Florida - because she wanted to be close to us. I started to defend my husband, rightly so, and she turned on me. I was all alone with her when she began yelling and accusing me of all kinds of crazy stuff. Instead of arguing (or losing it myself), I started to pray out loud for her. The tirade immediately ceased. I don't know if you are a believer in God as I am but the Holy Spirit intervened and for the past 4 years she has been nicer to me than she ever had been in the past. I believe God can do miracles and He did that day with my MIL. I don't think she ever wanted me to have to pray over her again lol... And it saved me from saying something I would have regretted later - which is exactly what aggressive people want - ammunition to fight. Praying out loud was like dumping ice water on the fire!
You may think the best person to manage a tough mother-in-law would be her own son, but asking your spouse to step into the middle of a conflict can be problematic.
"In addition to being insulted and hurt, often the wife feels completely unsupported in her feelings, so her husband is caught in the middle," says Radcliffe. "He loves his wife, he loves his mother and, especially if he's young, he's not particularly skilled at negotiating those relationships, so he makes his wife feel like she's doing something wrong." This is a lot of pressure to put on your spouse and, Radcliffe says, as an adult, there is no reason you can't manage this relationship on your own.
----
Personally I'd throw her under the bus
Be patient, this stage will pass - although another one will appear and maybe it will be less trying on your patience.
God bless.
I'm still working on picking my battles so we don't argue as much. Not there yet, may never be. With Alzheimer's I think it's an uphill climb. Meds are a Godsend! Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds or what he might see she could be helped with. God bless us all.
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