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I am greatly stressed and depressed. I don't feel like I have anyone near me to talk to in depth. I've read through your forums and it looks like the support here is amazing.


My mother-in-law, age 82, has been with us since her husband died about 7 years ago. She has been sitting and watching tv since she came. My husband and I have done a ton, meals, medication, running to appts, laundry, cleaning, whatever is needed. She hasn't always been appreciative, gives husband a hard time, and she's manipulative. All of this is just a little background as I had gotten used to all of that and have just gone with the flow. It was what it was you know. My husband took the brunt of the burden.


Since the beginning of last year she has been in and out of the hospital with major stomache issues that completely wipe her out. She didn't have much endurance to begin with, with all of the sitting. During the time she has been home (in between being at rehab) she has fallen down twice when just I was home. The second time she had a bad concusion. I can not lift her. My husband was working for himself then and could just come home and help. Now he has a job that is 30 mins away.


During her last stretch being in rehab she had another major stomache event and then she also had super low magnesium, causing her to get the shakes and have a seizure. They fixed the magnesium issue. And then, your money is running out, time to take her home or apply for financial assistance and hand over her assets (not much) and she can stay here in the nursing home. They had called my husband to discuss this about a week and a half before they released her and he blew them off, saying they were being rude and that they just want her money. I am not a medical, nurse type person in any way. She makes me nervous. I'm worried that she is going to fall again with just me here. Then what? Ambulance or wait for husband? I have 3 kids that are in and out here. I don't feel like they should be the ones to deal with things if something happens. I feel like she shouldn't be left alone here. She's too week. I went to my husband and told him that I was probably going to have a nervous breakdown if he didn't handle things. We have been going through other extremely stressful stuff that doesn't involve this. It is affecting my health. I was thinking nursing home. She would have medical care there, rehab, and she would be hopefully social. We visit all the time. He agreed. Then he doesn't follow through. He doesn't talk to anyone at the facility. He was expecting them to call him. So then he gets the call, come get your Mom. Instead of talking to them about the nursing home, he brings her home. Aparently she's been walking so many steps a day and can do basic stuff. Which I found really hard to believe. She has been here for two days. I think all morning about having to check on her and what am I going to see. (I'm also a bit antisocial so it is super hard for me, I feel like such a wuss.) The first morning, her bed wasn't made, which tells me a lot bc she is a neat freak and she was in her pajamas. Her tummy was hurting bad bc of new medication. So, we told her to stop taking it. Today, feeling better, bed not made, and can I give her her medicine and ice cream from the fridge, which is a few feet away. She didn't want to risk it. She has her potty chair right next to her and my husband takes care of it. I can hardly understand what she is saying. If we can scrounge the $ he can prob put a small bathroom where her closet is so that she doesn't have to walk down the hall.


After this long summary, am I unreasonable for the way I feel about a nursing home? It seems like others on here have it a ton worse with family members having mental health issues. I wish I was a stronger person for all of this. I also can't look hubby in the eye right now. :( I feel like he totally ignored my feelings and I am again the bad guy.

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I agree 100% with what GrannieAnnie has said to you!! This is too much for you handle, period! You're not a wuss, you're not a bad person, you're worried, scared and over-burdened with a sick MIL who's overstayed her welcome already! For petesake, it's time for a come-to-Jesus-meeting with your husband immediately. YOUR feelings have to be taken into consideration now as the caregiver for a woman you are unqualified to care for any longer. Her issues are bigger than you, and require assistance from qualified nurses and CNAs.

By the way, if/when she falls, call 911 IMMEDIATELY. Do not try to lift dead weight or YOU will wind up in the hospital, you know?!!

Sending you a big hug and wishing you the best of luck as you navigate this difficult road.
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Firefly, you are never wrong about your feelings.  And just because it looks like others have it worse, it is always an individual decision. If Hubby is  having a hard time with the new reality of his mother, then you need to decide quickly what YOUR limits are with her new reality. If she needs nursing home and paperwork for financial help, then he has to say 'ok, do it and I'll sign.' (Assuming he is
POA) Otherwise he'll have to stay home and do it himself, or hire help, because you will be very sick, or maybe dead. Over 30% of caregivers die before the elder needing care.

You are not a wuss, nor the bad guy. Sometimes we couples take turns being the adult. He has to hear you when you say you are over the edge. Maybe couples counseling or a social worker at the facility or hospital? There will certainly be another hospital trip.

Good luck, and keep in touch.
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