I toured a place where she can go, and it's right around the corner from my house. They said they can take her "any time" and I can disenroll her from the Medicaid-accepting program she's in and then the nursing home would take her on, if I do it at the end of a month so there's a seamless handoff between organizations. A friend of mine had her mother there, and she said the staff was very kind, and when I toured it (unannounced), it was very clean.
I am so tired of fighting with my mother over her refusal to let anyone help her. She'll be standing there covered in pee and swear she doesn't have a problem and refuse to take off her jeans and go in the bathroom and put on a fresh pair of Depends. She pees on her bedding and clothes every day and I have to go to the laundromat to wash it - and I have 3 jobs, so I never have time to do that. She screams at me, at the daycare driver (who picks her up every morning M-F) and now they have to send over one of their aides to get her to get out of her apartment and go with them to the daycare. She screams "Leave me alone!" and "Stop pushing me around" at the top of her lungs and tries to smack people when they try to help her or steer her out of her apartment.
Her apartment is in my house - so she's not alone as she'd be if her apartment were elsewhere, but she's alone for long periods because of my jobs, the fact that I have to sleep (so I can do my jobs), I have to run errands, etc... She's fallen several times (and spent hours on the floor as a result), but so far hasn't broken any bones or hurt herself. The doctors think she has Parkinson's, and they just started her on meds for that. I really can't stand this any longer. She screams and calls me names, she refuses to do what she's asked to do "Step out of the pants, mom. Please? Mom. Step out of the pants. Seriously. You have to step out of the pants!" - How many times can I have that conversation? Every night ends with her screaming "Leave me alone, you witch!" and saying she'll never talk to me again - and then hissing "Sleep well!" (meaning anything but that) as I leave her apartment. She only gets showers during the week (she won't take one for me) and so she spends the weekends reeking of pee, even though I keep supplying clean clothes every time she pees in what she's wearing. It's on her skin and that can't be good for her, but she won't bathe for me - no way.
She sleeps whenever she's not at daycare or with me eating whatever meal I've made her, and she's angry about 80% of the time she's awake. When she sleeps, she pees on everything, no matter how many pee pads I put down - she'll even get up and take off the depends in the middle of the night, and then when she has an accident, it's everywhere. I can't take it anymore. I know there are people in this forum who spend every minute of every day with their parent or loved one, and I'm going to sound weak and selfish, but I can't take it anymore. My friend, whose mom has dementia and is in a home, keeps nudging me to put my mom in a nursing home, saying it would be better for my mom because she'd have company all the time, the nurses won't be as emotionally connected, so her name-calling won't bother them the way it rips me apart, and they can keep her clean and dry 24/7, the way I cannot. And she says this is killing me - which I don't believe, but it certainly is making my life pretty miserable. I feel selfish thinking about that, of course. People say I have a right to be happy, but that sounds wrong if my happiness means she's put "away".
Any advice? Is it time? Am I awful if I do this? She'll be very upset about going, and will probably scream her head off for several days once she's there - and at me whenever I come to visit. I don't know what to do.