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I toured a place where she can go, and it's right around the corner from my house. They said they can take her "any time" and I can disenroll her from the Medicaid-accepting program she's in and then the nursing home would take her on, if I do it at the end of a month so there's a seamless handoff between organizations. A friend of mine had her mother there, and she said the staff was very kind, and when I toured it (unannounced), it was very clean.

I am so tired of fighting with my mother over her refusal to let anyone help her. She'll be standing there covered in pee and swear she doesn't have a problem and refuse to take off her jeans and go in the bathroom and put on a fresh pair of Depends. She pees on her bedding and clothes every day and I have to go to the laundromat to wash it - and I have 3 jobs, so I never have time to do that. She screams at me, at the daycare driver (who picks her up every morning M-F) and now they have to send over one of their aides to get her to get out of her apartment and go with them to the daycare. She screams "Leave me alone!" and "Stop pushing me around" at the top of her lungs and tries to smack people when they try to help her or steer her out of her apartment.

Her apartment is in my house - so she's not alone as she'd be if her apartment were elsewhere, but she's alone for long periods because of my jobs, the fact that I have to sleep (so I can do my jobs), I have to run errands, etc... She's fallen several times (and spent hours on the floor as a result), but so far hasn't broken any bones or hurt herself. The doctors think she has Parkinson's, and they just started her on meds for that. I really can't stand this any longer. She screams and calls me names, she refuses to do what she's asked to do "Step out of the pants, mom. Please? Mom. Step out of the pants. Seriously. You have to step out of the pants!" - How many times can I have that conversation? Every night ends with her screaming "Leave me alone, you witch!" and saying she'll never talk to me again - and then hissing "Sleep well!" (meaning anything but that) as I leave her apartment. She only gets showers during the week (she won't take one for me) and so she spends the weekends reeking of pee, even though I keep supplying clean clothes every time she pees in what she's wearing. It's on her skin and that can't be good for her, but she won't bathe for me - no way.

She sleeps whenever she's not at daycare or with me eating whatever meal I've made her, and she's angry about 80% of the time she's awake. When she sleeps, she pees on everything, no matter how many pee pads I put down - she'll even get up and take off the depends in the middle of the night, and then when she has an accident, it's everywhere. I can't take it anymore. I know there are people in this forum who spend every minute of every day with their parent or loved one, and I'm going to sound weak and selfish, but I can't take it anymore. My friend, whose mom has dementia and is in a home, keeps nudging me to put my mom in a nursing home, saying it would be better for my mom because she'd have company all the time, the nurses won't be as emotionally connected, so her name-calling won't bother them the way it rips me apart, and they can keep her clean and dry 24/7, the way I cannot. And she says this is killing me - which I don't believe, but it certainly is making my life pretty miserable. I feel selfish thinking about that, of course. People say I have a right to be happy, but that sounds wrong if my happiness means she's put "away".

Any advice? Is it time? Am I awful if I do this? She'll be very upset about going, and will probably scream her head off for several days once she's there - and at me whenever I come to visit. I don't know what to do.

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Hi, all... thank you so much. In answer to the NH vs Memory Care issue - the place I've chosen (and that hopefully will work out) has an entire floor (it's a huge place) that's for Dementia Care - the activities are ongoing, singing, games, lots of people around to keep them stimulated. And the doctor who used to run the medical side of the daycare she's in now is the main doctor for that floor - so I know she's a specialist in this area. I just hope I can get her in... and fast. Thank you all again, so much! I'm off to do one of my weekend jobs, and I'm stopping in to check on her Depends status - there'll be a fight, but at least right now, I can't stay long enough for it to get really bad. :-( Thanks again...
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The minute you said you are tired was the time. You have our support. You have already checked things out. You are feeling guilt now yet you will doing what is best for her safety. Don't feel that way. Just think of the visits you will have with her, with you rested, and not stressed.
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Laurie, you've done your job. You need to become a daughter snd advocate for your mom, getting her the best help possible. This WILL KILL YOU. Stress like this has consequences.
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Laurie, you have sorted out a suitable, high quality place for your mother which is also near enough for you to stay closely involved in her care and her life. You have an incredibly full schedule of your own. You have more than done your stint when it comes to looking after your mother. This place also sounds as if it would provide her with the kind of unbroken routine you only get in institutions (in a good way I mean), that clearly she would benefit from - the current daily travel to day care, normal family life, these are probably getting her agitated because she is now mentally frail.

So those are the good reasons for moving her to the NH. I cannot think of any good reason against, only the rather romantic/sentimental/self-denying ordinance type reasons trotted out - too often - by people who've never tried our life for themselves.

Go to it. May your mother thrive, and may you get some fresh air :) x
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Without a doubt its time. She will be alot safer and it sounds like her level of care is going to require the professionals. She will go through an adjustment there is no way around that. You may have to stay away for a litte bit and let her adjust. If she had dementia I would say find memory care, there is a world of difference. My mother never settled in at the nursing home it was awful, after two months of this we put her in memory care and stayed away for two weeks, she is now happy, safe and doesn't like to leave the place. Thank you Jesus... What a blessing to reach this point. I feel like ten years has gone by in one year from everything I have dealt with.. Good luck and best wishes
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Thank you so much, all of you. I cannot express the relief I feel knowing people who've been there and are there don't think I'm awful.

I just came back upstairs from her apartment, where I found poo on the floor (and all over her, after I made her change her depends again before bed). I scrubbed the rug, bagged up the 5th pair of pants she's peed/pooped on today (she won't wear a robe or nightie, she likes to be fully-dressed, even to sleep), and scrubbed her sneakers and put them on the porch to dry. Now I'm going to bag up MY clothes and take the longest and most thorough shower of my life. As for the NH, as she's been admitted, through Medicaid, to the program that's a "keep them at home forever" program, they can disenroll her and then hand her off to the NH, who will enroll her the next day - and according to their admitting person, as long as we do it on the last day of a month, it's seamless, financially. Medicaid will just start paying the NH for her care, and the stay-at-home place won't be involved anymore. She's not capable of signing anything new, and since she signed herself into the stay-at-home place's care over a year ago, I think that kind of made that official - at least I hope so - that she's agreed to be given whatever care is deemed necessary. The department of aging will have to review the case, and if they take one look at her and talk to her for 5 minutes, it'll be quite clear this is not a person who can be left alone. I'll find out about any hurdles when I get home from work on Monday and can make some calls. Thank you all so much.
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You wrote:

Seriously. You have to step out of the pants!" - How many times can I have that conversation?

I had to LOL at that. I've had that conversation about a billion times. And it always goes exactly like that.

Please don't feel guilty for feeling an impending sense of freedom if you place your mom in a NH. You're not "putting her away". We don't put our loved ones away. We put away clothes. We put away a screwdriver. We put away the groceries. We care for our elderly and frail parents for so long that we finally come to the realization that it takes more than 1 person to care for them, even thought we've been doing it ourselves for years. We don't put our loved ones away, we enable them to have the kind of care they need which is more care than we can give them even though, God knows, we've tried.
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Except for the fact, that you just can't drop someone off at the NH and leave them. She has to consent. How are you going to get her to agree to admittance and sign the finances?

She does need to be in the NH and she will be much better off there. But it would be an easier move if she went from the hospital, if she falls again. Make certain that you tell the doctors that she is alone, at home and no one to care for her.
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Great move. She will be cared for by professionals. You can get your sanity back..

You are not weak or selfish.. We here on AC are NOT trying to out rank each other..We're fighting this battle together!
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Your mother will be upset, but what the heck she is upset now. At least you can regain some happiness. Anyone who is holding 3 jobs and has been taking care of mom is neither weak nor selfish. You have done what you can, but nice toilletting is an issue 24 hour care is needed. You are not abandoning her, she will be close by and you can visit often. Follow your friends advise. For this Mother's Day resolve to plan the movement of mom to a safe environment, for her safety and the preservation of her relationship with you. Good luck
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