My lord! So $20K for both of your parents? I am so glad you are able to do that. That is a blessing. Me, not so much. Only child, sole caregiver here. Mom has Dementia really bad, along with chronic incontinence and only 5% mobile, at best. Walker in the home, wheelchair in public. I'm SO tired. Dad is showing many signs of Dementia, and he's becoming impossible - but insists on being the only one who takes care of mom. He can't remember "things," and it's a horrible trigger for him when I say, "we talked about that." I'm now 6 years in without a CLUE as to what to do. He's fired all in home nurses I have arranged for my mom - for no intelligent reason? He talks to her as if she's normal. Like he can't believe she just had an accident in the den. He rarely sleeps with her in their bedroom, now. Says he can't get any sleep there. All the while knowing she has fallen on several occasions - in their bedroom! I do the cooking (hot breakfast on T, Th, Sa and Su. Hot dinners on Mon, Tu, We, Fri, Sat. Sun), cleaning of their room and bathrooms. Admin of meds 2x's/day for both. All transportation. Grocery store, Dr's visits, pharmacy, and banking. Washing clothes, folding clothes. Reading most mail for him due to his glaucoma. Paying their bills online. Yard duty (But I am NOT going through another 100° Summer of that!) When he goes back to bed after breakfast, I sit with my mom. I now, try and avoid him as much as I can. Sad, but true. I'm just exhausted. Can't get any me time because of the numerous occasions he has had an episode due to his afib - when I have tried to get away for an hour or two. No more YMCA to walk the stress away. No more going to my home 4 hours away to check on my house. I'm tired...
If you are thinking about it for a loved one, the time to start researching and visiting is - yesterday! One thing I wish I knew several years ago - that the nicer facilities in my town with solid reputations of the best care, can have waiting lists of as long as one year! so its prudent to start looking a few years ahead of when its actually needed, if you can.
As others have said, there is no substitute for visiting in person and seeing how it is. Then you will find out who has rooms actually available, and if they are full, how long the wait is. I had one facility tell me they had rooms "immediately available now" but when I toured, it turned out that they did not actually have immediately available rooms.
My mom’s assisted living base rent is $6300/month. There are 5 care levels available … $500, $1000, $1500, $2000, $2500. My mom started at $2500 because she was a fall risk in a wheel chair and couldn’t (wouldn’t) do much on her own. She’s now a $500/level (i think) which is the $500/mo charge. Everybody has to pay at least the minimum for medication management, which is required so not sure why they don’t “include that” and charge $500 more for rent. Anyway, They don’t allow her to manage her own pills. She pays $7.50/meal to have her meals delivered to her room. Meals are included but she insists on room service 3 times a day which she then complains about. Her onsite beauty shop purchases are extra and added to the monthly bill. All in it’s been between $8 and $10k a month. My dad is in memory care in same facility and his is $6800 a month without extra care charges because it’s 100% care for memory care patients. If he does an outing with the facility his share of that hits his monthly bill. He goes to lunch 1 time a week with other memory care residents. His room is a small studio. Mom has a 1 bedroom apartment.
The entire experience is what the elder makes of it. They can be negative and complain constantly and lock themselves in their room (my mom) or partake in activities and choose to engage in life and even make friends (my dad).
Oh as someone said - they will promise you the moon - but physically going will be the only way. Let them know you are searching and that you have to take your information to the family for consideration. This way they don't shame you into a contract. Also, consider a group home. I had my daddy in a facility with promises and a nice front but when it came down to it, that was not the right fit for him. After, another search I found a group home where he was given a more personal attention and so was I. I was kept informed, I knew the names of people - caretakers and because he was my family and they were taking care of my family I treated them like family and they treated me like family. You will need to look at several places before making a decision. Prayers
The best thing to do is go 'boots on the ground' to any and all facilities that offer what you're looking for.
A 'good place' will not pressure you or try to drive up the costs. ASK for, and expect transparency in the money end of things. I asked about the charge to bring MIL a meal in her apt since she will not leave the room. It was $8 per meal. That adds up to a LOT if she's doing it 2xs a day for a month. And it's a 100' walk to the dining room. This is a charge that is NOT considered part of the ancillary charges. She could add $400+ to her monthly costs simply because she is refusing to eat with other people.
The place my MIL is moving into has a base rent rate, per month, and then she will be adding all the 'a'la'carte things. Such as medication management, assistance in walking to the dining room (this one she'll need and never use b/c she plans to never leave her room)....bathing aides, how much actual nursing care is required--the list goes on.
At MIL's place, all that is ONE add on fee. It's a lot. These places can be very expensive. I think MIL's monthly care will cost about $7K. It's a really nice, very clean upscale place, in a great neighborhood (MINE!!!) and so the people who are there tend to be wealthier and have more, well, money to pay for things.
The kids looked at 3 places. They chose this one based on the amenities that were added in after the rent. It's clean, lots of activities and I actually talked to several residents who were roaming around. They were all clean, hair done, nails done--and quite dressed up considering where they live! All 3 of these ladies said they loved the place, and I wasn't trying to get the dirt on the place. I mean, at other facilities, people were pretty open that the place they were in was sub-par and they LOOKED unhappy.
An evaluation is usually done prior to the person being admitted to establish the level of care they really need. The kids painted a much rosier picture of their mother to the Director. I think the eval will show she is far worse than the kids say she is. How that will affect the placement is to be seen. Worst case, she doesn't 'qualify' for ALF and will be moved to the Memory Care facility. Honestly, she won't even notice where she is.
As you tour the facility, look into as many rooms as you can. Check out the kitchen, if it's clean. Check out the commons areas. Not JUST the room they'll occupy. Look at the residents and take note that they are clean and in clean clothes. If the place smells bad--that's a sign you're dealing with incontinence that's not being addressed regularly.
And ask a ton of questions. Once you get a person installed in an ALF, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to move them AGAIN.
Yeah, it's virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find a respectable and patient worthy facility, on mid level income. And when you have a father like mine, who will not allow nurses in the home to help him with bathroom duty concerning my mother, it's nothing someone like myself can do. I just keep praying for GOD to bless me with strength and resolve when it comes to dealing with my dad. Being the only child, there's no end - until the end. I'm so tired, exhausted, and by most definitions, depressed. But I know I'm not the lone wolf in this. I just pray 🙏🏻 to be able to see them through this season of their lives. I have had 4, 5 night hospital stays with my mother due to critical UTI's that could only be intravenously treated. And when she's in there, it's the worse. Dementia symptoms are at an all time high during those times. All because he doesn't realize he's not cleaning her (if he's even doing the cleaning and not just instructing her how to do it?) like she needs to be and deserves to be. 😟😢 Sometimes, after they get out of the bathroom, she still carries a pungent feminine odor. Smh. I just cry sometimes for the lack of feminine care that she's not getting. My dad has told me that he doesn't wash her vagina. So, we, well I, deal with extreme UTI's and all the symptoms that travel with the infection. It's truly a no win situation here, without professional care. The last in home nurse, and out of the 8 (I stopped counting a while ago) we've had, he said he gave her a "test," and she failed it. Asked her what she thought of Trump, and she failed his test! This is not a political post nor a time to hold someone accountable for their right to think what they want about a political leader, when it comes to the urgent need for care for my mother! 2 weeks later - he let her go. The absolute BEST nurse out of all the others - who weren't bad at all! Sometimes I just want to run away - but I think of how my mother would suffer as a result. And I never could anyway. I'm just exhausted is all. Thank you for the information. But this household would never be able to afford the care she needs and deserves. (Lonnnnnnnnnnnng sigh...)
Be very careful the sales people can promise you the moon and the stars and then you won’t get what they promised. I would say get everything you can in writing. If you can talk with residents or families about their experience i think that would also be helpful.
Meet w them in person. Often easier to talk about these things and then also get the information in writing (their marketing materials / fees / legal agreements/contracts).
* Ask / contact your local county senior services dept and ask for referrals. * Ask MD / social worker for referrals.
I found that the marketing directors of facilities were very helpful with information even just over the phone or email. But the best way is visiting the facilities you are interested in. Once you start looking I don’t think you’ll have any trouble getting information.
It isn't confusing at all if you honestly ask for the packet and let them help you through it. When my brother was doing his search we honestly got all the answers we needed with visits with their coordinators and tours of the place. The levels of care I-IV were well explained as well as the costs, down to even what raises to expect as long as things go along as expected (then COVID hit). Menus were several choices. You could speak to them about, say, a salad for lunch daily instead of the more fatty corndogs or whatever. There were always snacks. There were daily activities and they were well announced by monthly calendars and reminders on chalk boards and cottage staff reminding folks.
I think you will judge the place by what you see and hear and what questions you come up with yourself. For instance, my brother got finally down to TWO. One had better food and a pool, but the latter often locked off, and the rooms more or less closed off like a large apartment building. The other beautiful grounds and cottages with fewer people in each, say about 14, and with a common dining room in back and living room in front. It depended on what you WANTED which you would chose. The outdoor grounds were important to him, and where he spent a whole lot of time.
Start looking around. I think you may be pleasantly surprised at how forthcoming they are tho you may be inundated with calls afterward about when they might "expect you" hee hee. Good luck.
There is a carepatrol.com in CT. They will assist you in finding a place. It is a free service to you. They get their funding by means of a finders fee from the facility. You do need to go out and do your own shopping. Just be aware that CT facilities are high priced compared to your surrounding states. However if your LO is a veteran, the vet facilities are good and located near to you
Many are based on the level of care a person needs. They are confusing probably meant to be that way so everyone is trying to compare apples to oranges and all you end up with is a fruit salad. ;) The question you pose though is "When is it time to consider AL? I have been told that when you ask the question you know in your heart and mind that it is time. I based decisions like this on SAFETY. If it would not have been safe for my Husband for me to care for him at home I would have had to place him. AND if it would not have been safe for Me to care for him at home I would have had to place him.
I suppose to get the best approximation of what the cost would be for a particular person is to be honest with the care needs that that person has and see what each facility would cost. And know that the cost will increase as the person declines and needs more help. If dementia is in the picture a move to Memory Care rather than AL is probably the safest move to begin with. AL is not locked and a person can wander out at any time. And many AL have "outings" to stores and a person with any cognitive problems may get very confused and get lost easily.
There is no easy way. My brother and I toured 15 facilities when searching for ones for my step-mother and mother.
Take the time, tour the facilities, get their fee schedules. Best to go there around lunch time, you will get a better view of how the residents look and on the food.
One thing I wish I knew several years ago - that the nicer facilities in my town with solid reputations of the best care, can have waiting lists of as long as one year! so its prudent to start looking a few years ahead of when its actually needed, if you can.
As others have said, there is no substitute for visiting in person and seeing how it is. Then you will find out who has rooms actually available, and if they are full, how long the wait is.
I had one facility tell me they had rooms "immediately available now" but when I toured, it turned out that they did not actually have immediately available rooms.
The entire experience is what the elder makes of it. They can be negative and complain constantly and lock themselves in their room (my mom) or partake in activities and choose to engage in life and even make friends (my dad).
A 'good place' will not pressure you or try to drive up the costs. ASK for, and expect transparency in the money end of things. I asked about the charge to bring MIL a meal in her apt since she will not leave the room. It was $8 per meal. That adds up to a LOT if she's doing it 2xs a day for a month. And it's a 100' walk to the dining room. This is a charge that is NOT considered part of the ancillary charges. She could add $400+ to her monthly costs simply because she is refusing to eat with other people.
The place my MIL is moving into has a base rent rate, per month, and then she will be adding all the 'a'la'carte things. Such as medication management, assistance in walking to the dining room (this one she'll need and never use b/c she plans to never leave her room)....bathing aides, how much actual nursing care is required--the list goes on.
At MIL's place, all that is ONE add on fee. It's a lot. These places can be very expensive. I think MIL's monthly care will cost about $7K. It's a really nice, very clean upscale place, in a great neighborhood (MINE!!!) and so the people who are there tend to be wealthier and have more, well, money to pay for things.
The kids looked at 3 places. They chose this one based on the amenities that were added in after the rent. It's clean, lots of activities and I actually talked to several residents who were roaming around. They were all clean, hair done, nails done--and quite dressed up considering where they live! All 3 of these ladies said they loved the place, and I wasn't trying to get the dirt on the place. I mean, at other facilities, people were pretty open that the place they were in was sub-par and they LOOKED unhappy.
An evaluation is usually done prior to the person being admitted to establish the level of care they really need. The kids painted a much rosier picture of their mother to the Director. I think the eval will show she is far worse than the kids say she is. How that will affect the placement is to be seen. Worst case, she doesn't 'qualify' for ALF and will be moved to the Memory Care facility. Honestly, she won't even notice where she is.
As you tour the facility, look into as many rooms as you can. Check out the kitchen, if it's clean. Check out the commons areas. Not JUST the room they'll occupy. Look at the residents and take note that they are clean and in clean clothes. If the place smells bad--that's a sign you're dealing with incontinence that's not being addressed regularly.
And ask a ton of questions. Once you get a person installed in an ALF, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to move them AGAIN.
Often easier to talk about these things and then also get the information in writing (their marketing materials / fees / legal agreements/contracts).
* Ask / contact your local county senior services dept and ask for referrals.
* Ask MD / social worker for referrals.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think you will judge the place by what you see and hear and what questions you come up with yourself. For instance, my brother got finally down to TWO. One had better food and a pool, but the latter often locked off, and the rooms more or less closed off like a large apartment building. The other beautiful grounds and cottages with fewer people in each, say about 14, and with a common dining room in back and living room in front. It depended on what you WANTED which you would chose. The outdoor grounds were important to him, and where he spent a whole lot of time.
Start looking around. I think you may be pleasantly surprised at how forthcoming they are tho you may be inundated with calls afterward about when they might "expect you" hee hee.
Good luck.
You do need to go out and do your own shopping. Just be aware that CT facilities are high priced compared to your surrounding states. However if your LO is a veteran, the vet facilities are good and located near to you
They are confusing probably meant to be that way so everyone is trying to compare apples to oranges and all you end up with is a fruit salad. ;)
The question you pose though is "When is it time to consider AL? I have been told that when you ask the question you know in your heart and mind that it is time.
I based decisions like this on SAFETY. If it would not have been safe for my Husband for me to care for him at home I would have had to place him. AND if it would not have been safe for Me to care for him at home I would have had to place him.
I suppose to get the best approximation of what the cost would be for a particular person is to be honest with the care needs that that person has and see what each facility would cost. And know that the cost will increase as the person declines and needs more help.
If dementia is in the picture a move to Memory Care rather than AL is probably the safest move to begin with. AL is not locked and a person can wander out at any time. And many AL have "outings" to stores and a person with any cognitive problems may get very confused and get lost easily.
Take the time, tour the facilities, get their fee schedules. Best to go there around lunch time, you will get a better view of how the residents look and on the food.