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My dad has fallen twice in the last year and broken bones both times. He is almost totally blind and showing signs of dementia. My problem is... he doesn't want to stay with me and or leave home at all, really. He would be ok if he just had someone to check on him every other day and help keep his meds straight. I live 2 states away. Back to my question, how do you know, for sure, when it is time to make your parents leave home and not do that by making them angry with you? I have checked into assisted living, but that is more than he gets a month, so for now, that's out of the question.

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Your biggest concern should be doing the best you can for him under the situation. As the situation progresses, my guess is that he most certainly will become angry at both you and anyone else who tries to make changes he doesn't like. Not to be cold or uncaring, but you probably can't avoid the anger. If he's always been mean and now has dementia, he is not going to be pleasant when faced with changes.

Others have made good suggestions about Veteran's facilities and other options.

My mother still wants to go home even though she is in very late stages of diagnosed alzheimers. I feel for you. Be strong in dealing with dementia and alzheimers. You will not be able to make them happy and yet get the they need for safety.
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tnrbrooks - I feel your pain. My mom was very mean/rude/stubborn/terrible and as a result ran off all family but me before she became incompetent. There was nothing I could do but worry - and that helps no one. I put up the "grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference", quote on my desk and reread it everytime I felt like banging my head against the wall.
Here's a thought that might be worth pursuing. Google 'Veterans retirement homes' - there are a few big ones but also state ones. If he is eligible this might be a place he would be comfortable considering - don't know how the costs work.
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Hi tnrbrooks,

There are two great articles written by AgingCare.com Editor’s that were already posted in our community. We thought this might answer your caregiving question.

Should Your Loved One Continue Living at Home?
www.agingcare.com/articles/Should-Elderly-Parent-Continue-Living-at-Home-95665.htm

and

How to Evaluate Senior Living Options
www.agingcare.com/articles/Evaluate-Living-Options-for-Elderly-Parents-95733.htm

We hope this helps. Please let us know if you need anything else and we look forward to seeing more questions and discussions from you.

Thank you,
Karie H.
The AgingCare.com Team
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Where is he now? Rehab? What does the staff there think he is capable of? Are they recommending discharge to his home?
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My Dad is a veteran, but between disability and retirement, he makes too much money to get any benefits. He lives in the country and meals on wheels doesn't go that far. He has asked about medical alert services, but it is more the meds I am concerned about. Four months ago he fell and broke his hip, that night he had another heart attack, suspect he was not taking his meds right. He has already said he is not going to take 3 meds once he "goes home". He is not taking anything he doesn't need, but he is sure he can live without them. He has excuses for his falls and thinks there is nothing wrong with him. If I weren't here he would 'forget" to take his meds now. I know in my heart he needs to have a different living situation, but he is against me to the point of starting arguements between my husband and me, so that I will "take him home". He has no neighbors that like him well enough to care whether he is doing ok, he has always been mean. Paying someone is almost out of the question.
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tnrbrooks - I wasn't able to 'make' my Mom do anything until she had an 'episode' that left her both fearful and helpless - and she was then 83 and living 1000 miles away. She refused to wear a Medic Alert, wouldn't let family in the door, wouldn't answer the phone.

Is you Dad a veteran? Aid and Attendence for veterans is worth looking into. Meals on Wheels could mean a daily visit. Paying a neighbor to stop in once a day for 10 minutes could be affordable if you had the right neighbor. You might calls his local Dept of Family and Childrens Services Office and speak to their Elder Care department. They might help you determine if he is 'a danger to himself' (at risk). You might get hijm to agree to a phone call once a day and he could take his meds then. God luck, dear.
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