I moved out of state to care for my parent with Alzheimer's. I've been here nearly a year, to the detriment of my own family and my mental health. My LO is paranoid, angry, convinced by my sibling that I am out to get all of our parents' money/stuff. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am the one who discovered the sibling moved all the income to his own name and wants things from the house as "gifts" so these things don't count against his inheritance. He has turned the parent against me, and no amount of documentation or reasoning works. I am POA and guardian. There is a restraining order against the sibling (which LO doesn't comprehend) which the courts here will not enforce. It is violated weekly.
I'm not looking for appreciation, I just want to stop being falsely blamed for everything. I'm thinking assisted living NOW, even though LO can still do yard work, laundry, make a breakfast and lunch. LO falls weekly and cannot live alone. I had hoped to delay assisted living until more pronounced cognitive decline. I asked the internist to tell me when it is time, and he said, "Whenever you feel you need to go home." I'm not a martyr-just trying to do the right thing. I get lots of encouragement from this group. Please give me the rational for your answers, and thanks in advance.

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If there is a restraining order then why won't the courts enforce it?

If you have POA and you have proof your brother has transferred assets to his name then this is theft and a discussion with local police may be the only answer - it will certainly make him justify his actions.

If you are separated from your family to look after the LO who is being abused by your brother's behaviour (financially or otherwise) then you need to think of your family and your LO and the time for Assisted Living is now - your own state would seem to be more suitable for visits and assistance from you.

There are various reasons for assisted living and inappropriate behaviour by your brother when you should be living out of state seems to be one. Your LO will have company and be safe and if necessary the facility will enforce the restraining order if they have the details.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to TaylorUK

KimberlyO: I had to live out of state to care for my late mother in her own home as she was adamant about not budging. It was very difficult as I was already an elder myself. YOU must return home.
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Reply to Llamalover47

As POA, do what you need to now:
get your parent into an environment where he/she is cared for,
secure his/her finances from predation,
do what you need to for your own health and the health of your family.

If you needed somebody to give you permission, you have it. You have the POA. Use it. This is why you were given the POA and not your sibling.
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Reply to Taarna

You need a social worker. The internist, Doctor?, may approve of your father’s placement in an AL, but you need to find a place. The facility will do an assessment of your father.
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Reply to Ricky6

Yes, you need to go home and stop propping him up. Your family is your priority. And by the way it is better to move to AL before cognitive decline gets too bad. He will be able to make friends and socialize and get more out of it. It does sound like he may fight you on this. My dad could also do these same things but his executive functioning was faltering. He was ready to call it quits in his own home. Has your dad had a cognitive assessment like a MoCa or mini mental exam? Most ALF will require it. The other option if he isn’t ready is to let the next fall hospitalize him and then not let him be allowed to move home. His falls go hand in hand with dementia too. What is his diagnosis?
also, does he have a trust or just a will? If your brother is taking things for free that violates a trust!
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Reply to Harpcat

Sorry, this comment is a placeholder. I accidently hit "post" twice. This is to avoid redundancy.
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Reply to Wyoaviator

It's beyond time to go to Memory Care.
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Reply to MJ1929

" I just want to stop being falsely blamed for everything."
Sorry, that won't happen. Dementia is cruel to everyone involved. As long as you are involved, you will be blamed.

I asked the internist to tell me when it is time, and he said, "Whenever you feel you need to go home."
I believe you answered your own question right there. It is time NOW.

Remember, YOU are the most valuable resource your LO has. You must take care of it. I know it feels selfish (many others on this site felt the same way-welcome to the club), but you must begin to make yourself a priority. The disease is taking over his/her life. I know how much you want to just do the right thing. The right thing is getting him/her some help so you can rest and spend your energy managing his/her care.

As one of my mentors in this journey told me-Once they get a thought in their head, there isn't much you can do about it. You must protect yourself.

I/we on this board know how weird it feels to have to protect yourself from a parent, spouse or other LO. Yes, it is totally out of character for them and for you. But you must do it.

My bottom line is: Don't kill yourself keeping them alive.
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Reply to Wyoaviator
MaryKathleen Sep 15, 2021
I love that saying, "Don't kill yourself keeping them alive." or keeping them home either.
Based on your statement, "LO falls weekly & cannot live alone", now is the time to place them in Memory Care Assisted Living. I don't think you need more 'rationale' than that. When an elder is suffering from dementia and no longer able to live alone, then they need the help that is available in a Memory Care ALF immediately. If you wait for a crisis to happen, then you put the decision into someone else's hands as to when the elder needs to move into Memory Care! Don't expect the falls to stop, however, as nowhere on earth is 'fall proof' for an senior.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

First ... A person with dementia should not be in Assisted Living. They should be in Memory Care.
There is always the possibility in Assisted Living that they can just leave. In some cases all it takes is for them to sign out or they can just walk out a rear door.
If you can no longer SAFELY care for your loved one. And I mean safe for YOU and safe for THEM it is time.
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Reply to Grandma1954

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