I'm sending my father to hospice care tomorrow and I don't know if it's the grief or doubt that's making me question my decision. My elderly father has Parkinson's for over 20 years and dementia onset in the last year or so. He always had a very strong will to live but his quality of life went severely downhill a year ago. Pain medication stopped working for him and he was in severe pain most of the time. 10 days ago he was admitted into the ER for urosepsis and has been here ever since. While the infection has cleared, it left him severly weakened to the point where doctors say he will never physically recover or move again. He is awake for brief periods of the day but cannot do anything beyond opening his eyes and is only able to respond to noise and pain. The choices available were to have a feeding tube installed which could prolong his life for months or years, or to send him to hospice and await death. My father has a DNR order but I don't think he ever factored in being kept alive by a tube. I don't want him to be stuck in a broken body kept alive by a tube but I also hate making that choice for him. What if by some small unlikely chance he wanted to keep fighting? The doctors can't even say how much awareness he has left - if he even knows who or where he is. I chose to send him to hospice care and I'm overwhelmed by guilt at the thought that I'm letting him starve to death. Logically, I know that isn't what hospice care is but seeing him physically wasting away every day just destroys me.
The surgery alone could kill him given his weakend state. What about the anesthesia alone?
I was given that choice for my dad. They said he could pass from the surgery, but wanted to do it. Why? So it could prolong the nothingness that has become his life? Basically sleep 24/7. Doesn't hear the tv. Doesnt know if its day or night. Or respond to anyone. I said no. I know I wouldn't want to live that way.
The medication takes care of any pain. The body systems start shutting down.
I've taken care of people in vegetative states. I know what goes on. I think it ties back into the dnr. I could understand if he was talking, alert at times, and able to interact with his surroundings.
My mom stopped eating over time. She wasn't in any pain. She was able to verbalize if she was hungry. It is a natural part of the aging process.
You don't need to feel guilty for anything. You are there for him.
These people have been a blessing. They help me to understand the dying process, including the loss of appetite and weight loss. They offered chaplain services. I have access to help even if just to talk 24/7.
My mother is still active, dresses herself, feeds herself (the few bites she will eat), and is able to carry on a conversation, but has no idea of time or age or location, and no short term memory at all. So she is in the transitional stage, not in the actively dying stage yet.
Hospice does not always mean that death is around the corner. The folks that help me have other clients in my mother's ALF that have been on their services for well over a year.
Love him, be there and be thankful for his thoughtful forethought. I had a friend that was basically unresponsive in hospice, I sang to her, put lotion on her and told her it was okay to let go, she is loved and will be missed. I believe it helped her and I know it helped me say goodbye with all the love I felt for her.
I pray that you find peace and know that you did a loving, generous thing by not prolonging his suffering. God Bless you and give you strength on this difficult journey.