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My mom is 85 has been in the nursing home for 18 months now. She broke her hip in March and has steady gone done hill mentally since then. I went to see her today, I go everyday during the week and take weekends off. She was in her room today with her door shut a little. I walked in she was in her wheelchair and her dress was all bunched up. I said let me fix your dress she said its wet..I told her ok then we will change it. I lifted it up over her head and she didn't have a pull-up on. I said where are your pants she said I went to the bathroom and I couldn't find them. She was just fine without her pants on...it broke my heart. My mother has always been a very proud woman. Matter of a fact, she takes herself to the bathroom and I told them that they would never be able to stop her from doing it unless they tie her to the chair and I don't want that. I got an aide to help me get her pants on. Her mind is just fading fast since she broke her hip and I am just lost. The head nurse talked to me and she said to be thankful that my mom isn't aware of her surroundings or bothered by not having her pants on She is going to make sure the CNA's watch her closer because they have been so accustomed to her independence...they are going to check her for a UTI but I don't believe she has one. I do not want any extreme measures taken with my mom. I don't want her to end up being a rag in a chair. I am an only child I am the only person who sees her that doesn't get paid to. I hate this so much. I am just at a lost. She is becoming more and more reclusive and happy to be so. My instinct is to fix her but I know she is content. I think conversation causes her to get upset because she does not comprehend like she use to. Her roommate is comatose and tube-fed and my mom loves hers. She says that she talks to her. Her roommate requires nothing from her...this is by far one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. My dad died suddenly when I was 22 that was hard but NOTHING like this. She was under hospice care but they stopped it not because she was better but because she had not gotten any worse. She felt thrown away and it just messed her up that her routine changed that was probably 8 months ago. The broken hip started a downward spiral and in 4 months she is a different person. Mentally, she has been delusional for years, but she remembered things and could carry on conversation. I am rambling now, but today at this moment I am just lost, hurt, scared and just want to run away from it all...When I told the nurse today if she had a UTI just leave it alone I didn't mean it I called them back and said if she does to treat it I don't want her uncomfortable...but I really do not believe she had one . Her urine doesn't smell strong etc... also she has stopped eating, they are giving her ensure but she has not appetite.

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2tsnana, I second Dof4's nomination - you are a great daughter. I'm sorry you're going through this heart-rending experience. You're right, see what tomorrow brings: you can only do one day at a time.
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2tsnana, You are a great daughter. It is hard to watch anyone slowly pass to new life. There is a natural order with parents, they are suppose to go before their children to be on the other side waiting and free of pain.
Like pamstegman, I too buried a child. A boy age 13 1/2. He had a serious heart condition but died from a virus. A slow painful death. My dad passed and it was sad but feel in the normal range, my mother in the nursing home and slowly going is sad but normal. My son's death is overwhelming each and everyday and I can't seem to wrap around it. My dad and soon to be mom's death goes in a natural order. I love my parents dearly and it is very painful but the pain of my son's death is times one million. Even though I believe in the afterlife I am still overwhelmed with emotion..
With you being an only daughter I am sure you feel pressure. Just know I send you strength and love on this journey even though it is through a computer the good and strong thoughts are surrounding you right this moment....
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I went today at a different time to see how she was and she had not got out of bed. She just doesn't feel well. Her breathing is rattling (COPD CHF) her eyes were glazed. I asked her if she hurt anywhere and she said she didn't know. I talked to the CNA and she was going to bathe her and put her on a clean gown and let her stay in bed today. The CNA told me she had found my mom without her pull-up on last week. I did talk to the Social Worker again about Hospice and I assume they will evaluate her again and decided. She has rallied so many times, but this time seems different. Her mind has gone down so quickly since her hip breaking in March. I read on "Dr. Goggle" that the survival rate for the elderly after a hip fracture is like 35%. Like I told the Social Worker today death will not be the hard part this right here right now is difficult. I have seen my mom everyday the last 16 years on my lunch hour. When she was living in her apartment and now for the last 18 months in the NH. that part will be hard. I retire next year and I have never had a normal lunch hour it has always been about taking care of her. Even in the nursing home I straighten her room get all her things she likes together. I always make sure she has ice in her pitcher..etc... Well, we will see what tomorrow brings ...
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Captain, I am a hover,fixer,hand wringer...I aggravate my own self. I so agree with your concept now can you just give me the magic to stop. I wake up every morning with a new confidence and even a very logical approach to my mom...then I go into her room like today and the once proud woman that could be meaner than a rattlesnake doesn't recognize or care if she has her pants on..I will get up tomorrow and tackle it again..I wish you would be outside the nursing home everyday to walk me through this crappy thing called aging,dementia whatever fits it at the moment....it basically sucks. I like you and the way you think . I wished I were more like you
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Let your mother's remaining days be in comfort and happiness. Her not eating is a sign she is nearing the end. Being lost, hurt and scared is a normal reaction to a loved ones pending death. I have been through it. It is never easy, but I made sure my mother didn't suffer and she passed away peacefully.
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dont hover and pester to try and make her happy , just try to sense her immediate comfort needs..
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my aunts dementia is getting quite late stage . i must agree shes not in much emotional pain . sometimes we sit outside the nh and dont even need conversation . shes just content with my company . time means nothing . depending on her desires we may sit there for 5 minutes or 2 hours .
your mother doesnt have to be with it to be content and happy . just small things -- a warm sweater , freshened up drink , etc . a smile , pat on the hand , etc ..
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2, be strong for you Mom and post back here for support!
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My mom and I have had a long hard road. I have taken care of her for 16 years now..she didn't take care of me when I was little and I was just mad. After a stint of therapy and all these years especially this last one of her being so helpless I have mellowed. I believe that God has kept her here for us to learn to not only love each other but like it other. I can say today I love my mom and my heart is breaking watching her like this. I want to do what is best for her and I do it with a loving heart...I came to realize that she did the best she could with me and it was no where good enough, but I survived and as my therapist said she made me a better mother because of the things she didn't do. I appreciate all your answers and tomorrow will discuss with staff about hospice, but not the same one as before. She has COPD, CHF, liver disease. There is nothing on her that works right..nothing that can be healed.
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We are really bad at recognizing when enough has been enough as a society. All the doctors are terrified of being sued by family for not stopping time and rolling back the effects of disease.

My mom has been up, down, up, down, up like a yoyo for decades. Physically she's never been better due to the controlled medication she gets and dietetic meals. Mentally, the tinkertoys are all over the floor. And she has Alzheimers to boot. She hates everything and everybody.

If it were up to me, I'd jack up her happy pills, take her off everything else, let her eat & drink what she will, and let nature take its course.
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2, no better advice than Pams, just stay well and strong.
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No one can tell you like someone who has been there. Panstegman hit It on the head. I believe hospice is the next decision. If mom won't eat, her body is telling her something. You are already grieving for her. If mom is content, there is nothing to fix. Try, try, try to enjoy the your time with mom. Have no regrets. Bless you in this journey. You can do this
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Get her back on Hospice, because when they can no longer eat, the time is very short. Having just lost my daughter, who was ill a long time, I will tell you that when she passes your feelings will be mixed. Relief for her, relief for your own hard work, but at the same time many tears, and a strange feeling every morning that you need to be doing something. Gotta check on------and then you reset your thoughts. And you cry. You cry so loud your dog howls right along with you. Then you gather your thoughts and move on.
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