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My mom can't do things for herself, but thinks she can, She has no sense of judgment or common sense anymore, she's 89. I try to help her and she complains I'm running her life although she can't do it herself. Nothing I do is right in her eyes, even if we've talked about things and I do it exactly as she wanted. She's hard of hearing, yells at me because I don't make her hear and I mumble. We have never gotten along, but now she lives with me and the relationship is even worse with issues of her getting older such as bad eyesight, memory, mobility. How can you be mean to the only person that is caring for you. She contributes nothing except some help with utilities living with me. At this time I am out of work so I'm struggling. She has no where else to go, how could a mother just sit there and do nothing as far as helping during such a time? She tells me she never "charged" me rent anytime when I was younger and came back home so she shouldn't have to pay. She helped my brother financially his whole life, he is now deceased. Oddly even with struggling I'm less concerned with the finances as her treatment to me. It's difficult helping someone that is mean to you...I keep praying...

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Frustrated5, sounds like the household is back to the "mother-child" relationship. It doesn't matter if she is living in your house or if you were living in her house, it would still be the same dynamics. How do you change it? You can't, because you will always be the *child*. And Mom sounds like she is upset that she is getting older and these physical things are happening like lack of seeing and hearing..... think of it this way, you are her only sounding board when she is unhappy.

Your Mom does have somewhere else to go... call Medicaid and see if she can qualify, then you search for the nicest continuing care facility you can find. Your Mom will probably dig in her heels because her generation has an unfounded fear of today's *nursing homes*. They still believe such homes are what they heard about 50 years ago, and believing all the myths about such homes. Look at all the new best friends she could make :)
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Sista, I hope things work out with the Neurologist. Maybe it's a medication thing that can be straightened out. The neurologist may order some brain images to sort this out.
Frustrated5, I hope you get her into a facility soon, because she is wearing you down to a little nub. 30% of caregivers die before their patients. Leave the house every day just as you did when working. It's better than putting up with bad attitude.
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I am so sick of my brother,God forgive me if he dies tomorrow I am not for sure how sad I will feel.I took him to a psychiatrist he verbally put me down.The doctor finally told him I was only trying to help.I donot understand my brother should have been set up for follow up appointments.He reccommended I take him to a neurologist because of his meds,Hell I just wish he could go in a mental home for a few weeks.
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I can relate to frustrated. My brother is 71 and is very mean towards me. HE CALLED ME an asshole on new years eve. On his birthday I tried me and his daughter to take him out. He cursed at both of us and has no clue of money management.I am already doing the the things a POA does but I legally donot have it. If I ask for it He will tell me no for spite.I fix the meals take him to the dr and oversee his medications.I have no support other then his 17 yr old daughter.He ran out of clonazapam and has been really acting out.The last irrational thing he said was that he was gonna take a cab to see a woman he barely knows.I have no idea what I can do to legally handle his business.He is like a Jekyll and Hyde.No one ever sees this behavior but me and his daugher so I am not sure anyone would declare him imcompetent.He has mild dementia.I am also looking for a local caregivers support group
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What does "we have never gotten along" entail? She likes classical and you like heavy metal? She reads romances and you like murder mysteries? Or has she always found fault with everything you've ever done? Has she always given preferential treatment to your brother.

What I'm trying to determine here is whether your issues with her a caused by something she can't help, such as dementia, or this is just her personality intensified because you are living together?

In either case, I join worriedaboutdad in suggesting seeking counseling for yourself.

Also, please understand that it is NOT TRUE that "she has no where else to go." Where would she be if you and your brother had both died? Living under a bridge?

If the ultimate solution here is to not live with her, be assured there are other housing options for her.

Maybe you can learn to set boundaries and not let her ruin your self-esteem. But that is very challenging if it involves breaking a life-long pattern. You deserve help and support. Please find a therapist.
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I just want to give you a big, enormous hug and tell you that you are amazing to have taken on this role and not only become her caregiver, but put up with abuse that has probably brought back a lot of demons from her past with you. I do not know, but she seems toxic and I would absolutely advise counseling from a therapist who can help you keep your normal meter in check. It seems so wrong to me. You are putting up with many different issues.
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