Today when I came home from work, my husband said, "You scream at me all the time." So, I called our attorney and told him I want a divorce. Any advice?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Have the doctor send the attorney the diagnosis so he knows what he is dealing with.

I think looking into a facility is an excellent idea, and I don't think it's admitting "defeat".

You husband has dementia, and has had for some time, it seems. He should no longer be left alone. He needs supervision. He need socialization and diversion.

He needs a happy wife who visits, not a tired stressed one!

Call his lawyer and doctor, both, today. Ask the lawyer for a recommendation for an Eldercare attorney to ask for advice about re-titling assets before he enters a facility.

Belinda, you clearly are having a very difficult time and I'm sorry for that. I saw your other post, too, about your husband's children.

So you got the vascular dementia diagnosis only a couple of months ago. Vascular dementia doesn't, I believe, usually happen on its own. Could you help us to understand better by going back a while and explaining a bit more about the history of your husband's illness, what kind of care he's needed, and what your plan going forward has been (apart from getting a divorce, I mean).

I can imagine that this evening there was some sort of last straw incident. But the point of last straws is that they're nothing much, just on their own. It's everything that's been piled on before that's the real problem.

Thank you to all who took the time to read my problem and answer. I really don’t have anyone that I can share all this dirty laundry out too. And said this is the only place I can really ask for help. I’m going to try and call MD today to let him know what’s going on.

I understand now! - I was misled by the inverted commas into thinking that *you* had called the attorney.

Oh dear, this is dreadful. Calling his MD is a good idea. I'm sure you won't want to admit defeat, but have you also had a look at dementia care services and facilities near you?

I don’t think he can divorce you as he is not rational. You need to get power of attorney and enduring care in place. I think your husband needs to be in permanent care as things will become worse fast. He needs to be assessed

Sorry, Belinda - *your husband* told you he had called the attorney to ask for a divorce? He announced this to you as some kind of weird greeting when you walked in after work?

Did you speak to the same attorney yourself?

I don't think Belinda is concerned about the practical, operational aspects of divorce or considering that as an option. I think she was just in tears at having come home to this, and in urgent need of sympathetic ears.

Having made such a Horlicks of understanding the post in the first place I can at least say that I am now all ears. Hope you're doing okay, Belinda.

Belinda--

I read this several times and finally understood that HE was asking for the divorce, and the HOUSE not the horse...I think I get it now.

Ummm...marrying the much older man and then they fall apart while we're still pretty young. Been there, wearing the t- shirt and MY DH is only 5 years my senior. We had some rough years as he aged so fast for a while. We're on more of an equal footing now.

Get yourself an atty. If Dh can't even take care of himself, divorcing you won't help him at all. I worry all the time about my DH and dementia. He gets so kooky sometimes I can't tell if it's early onset dementia or just him.

You need to protect yourself, so your own atty can do that.

You can 'split up' and not lose your marital assets but not have to deal with a grouchy, sick hubby.

I know when my DH was going through some stuff and he was severely depressed, he was so mean, I couldn't bear it. I didn't know who I would find at the end of the day. More than once I decided I would divorce him, I'd be basically at near poverty level, but it would have been better than living with day after day anger and nastiness.

Is this a constant, or was this a one off occurrence? That also plays into it. dementia takes a person we love and turns them into someone else.

Good luck--take some 'me time' and think. Perhaps he is just not thinking with any part of his brain but the 'broken' part. Some of the stuff my DH would say to me was just unconscionable--but Drs. kept telling me it was the illness or the drugs--luckily, he seems to be pulling out of it, but a part of me is always on high alert, waiting for him to blow again. And he is generally a nice guy. To have him yell at me over something, or just try to shut me down for no reason--very painful.

Unkind words, whether from a person with all their capacities or not is hurtful and you need to work through that hurt.

Is it possible for him to go to a facility?