When I bring up what the cost of burial expenses will be when it’s her time to go Mom says, “Don’t worry, it’s all taken care of.” BUT IT’S NOT! Advice?

Hangingon61, many people do not realize that even if they have a cemetery spot they purchased years ago, there are still cost involved after they pass.

All your Mom did was buy a joining spot in the Mausoleum, nothing else. Just be blunt, tell her she cannot be placed with your sister because there isn't enough money to pay for what is needed. That should get her attention.

Ask Mom if she has a pre-paid plan with the funeral home. If no, then use a theraputic fib saying you would need to sell the house in order to place her in her final spot.

Once you got Mom's attention again, tell her there is a cost for cremation by a funeral home. And there is a cost for the cemetery to open up the Mausoleum drawer and to close it. The cost of $3,700-$4,000 sounds extremely steep, I bet the cost included the cremation.

What type of Reverse Mortgage does your Mom have? It is a line-of-credit where she can get a certain amount needed, or is the loan a monthly amount each month? If Mom can get the money, have her do a pre-paid funeral plan. And double check with the cemetery as to the cost to open/close the Mausoleum drawer.

You don't HAVE to bury the cremains at all, and I imagine that is what will have to happen if there is no money for Mom's preferred plans. You could put them in a decorative urn or simply leave them in the box. Do you intend to be interred there? Maybe Mother's cremains could be placed at that time. But the cremation will need to be paid for, even if the mausoleum drawer is not opened.

Coy's cremains are in a box in a green velvet bag, sitting on the back of a book shelf. I'm simply not sentimental about them. Coy's essence left his body shortly after he stopped breathing. None of our children have asked for them.

Mother's ashes were mixed with Dad's by the funeral home director. Each of the 7 kids chose a miniature urn. He put a tablespoon of ashes in each. My oldest brother scattered the remaining ashes on the farm where my mother grew up, and that my father loved. Everyone was satisfied. (And Mother would have loved the celebration of her life we held in a lovely park.)

Obviously this is a very, very personal decision. I'm not trying to talk you into what we did! Not at all. But I am pointing out that if it is absolutely necessary there are less costly ways of handling this. But none of them are free.

Do you suppose that Mother may have made prepaid plans at a funeral home? Which one will you be using? Can you double check with them? Or did she perhaps join a cremation society? When my mother experienced dementia all these kinds of details left her completely. The only way we knew what was going on was that we were part of making the plans, and paying for it was her spend-down expense.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this frustration right now.

I’m sorry your mom is terminal.
I’m sure it’s a stressful time for the both of you.

Is your mom now on hospice? Do you have her DPOA? Is mom competent to make her own decisions?

I suggest you ask for a quote in writing from the funeral home (to discuss with mom or not) so you know exactly what the fees are and what is covered. Ask him or her to go over Sisters paperwork so you can compare costs and services. If your source says they don’t have that authority ask to see someone who does. There shouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be happy to come back if they need time to get the records etc. Perhaps your mom has a copy.

There are probably less expensive places to have the cremation so ask for a quote for only opening and closing and no cremation. Ask for that so that they don’t later say it was a “package” price for having them do all the services. There is a high turnover of personnel in many funeral homes and counselors are in all stages of training so getting your quote in writing would probably require a managers oversight.

The book “ Being Mortal: Medication and What Really Matters” by Atul Gawande might help you better understand your moms mindset.
The book contains good questions to help her focus on what’s important to her and help you support her in those decisions.

Come back and let us know how things are going.

Yes, that does sound steep. I would ask for a breakdown. There is a charge for opening a grave. Moms cost 1100. If he comes down to you can't afford it at this point than wait until you can. Cremation is about $2300 where I live. That would be your main worry.

Depends what you buy with the cremation. If there are funeral services, by law they have to be embalmed even though they will be cremated. The cost of a casket is about $2,000 in itself. If you have their ashes buried that's more money. I got my father cremated for under $1,000 -- no funeral ceremony or casket, no viewing--and I have my father's ashes at home in a very fancy cigar box. The box was $35; the funeral home wanted to sell me a cheap looking box for $1,000 which was the same cost of the cremation. You can have a simple cremation under $1,000 without all of the pomp--remember when they pass they are gone and money is for the living. You can do what you want but remember you have to flip the bill. A funeral home will try to gouge you but remember they are dead and gone -- their suffering is over and is in a better place. You have control of the costs. I hate to say this but shop around and sometimes you will find bargains. The time to spend money on your loved one is when they are still alive. Not when they are dead.  My father had a $5,000 life insurance policy but the house also needed a new roof. I also know he would have preferred it this way because mom still lives here and his main worry was her care after he passed.  I cannot tell you what to do, but a "bare bones" (excuse the pun, it's not intentional) cremation can be done without funeral services and casket. Spend the money when they are still alive on the person. 

This is just another one of those things caregivers are left to figure out. It’s a lesson to us all as we will all die. We are lucky that our dad has the money for his funeral and of course he wants a casket burial next to my mom. He has the plot so a few months ago my sister and I contacted the funeral home and made all the financial and written arrangements for his burial. We wanted to do it before he ran out of money staying in LTC. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time with her understanding but good advice here by 97yomom and others. You need to get this off your mind. Perhaps the chaplain or SW from hospice (assume o have hospice for her) can also help persuade her.

What will happen to the reverse mortgage when she passes? Will the house be sold? Once the mortgage is paid off, will there be any balance left? Sorry to give you more to deal with, but those are answers you need too.

A body does not have to be embalmed if there is no public open casket viewing.
I did not have my husband embalmed and the casket was open for a private viewing for family. As I recall we had about 1 hour prior to the start of the Visitation.
If your Mom is on Hospice talk to the Social Worker and see if they can bring up these concerns. Sometimes it takes another view to make a point. She may be just as concerned about the financial aspect of this and is fearful that her wishes can't be carried out. A Social Worker just might be able to get this out of her.

I am confused about the ‘prepaid for her to be in the Mausoleum’. Is there no paperwork that spells out exactly what that covers? Our parents ‘prepaid’ and thought all that was transferred to a new funeral home. Should have been but took some frantic digging to find the contract. Problem solved; new funeral home was wonderful to work with. Yes, all was prepaid for parents other than the usual ‘things the funeral home has no control over’ such as increases in cost of newspaper obituaries and increases in cost of obtaining death certificates. 

Depending on the contract, it may be possible to have a certain amount ‘set aside’ for these incidentals. Prepaying may not be an option for some but at least consider preplanning. It was truly a last gift to have all this known in advance.

If she prepaid - there should NOT be charges. The cemetery tried to charge us again for our plot but thankfully I had the cancelled checks.

If Mom prepaid - look for the paperwork. Prepaying is very common where we live - but if they can get you to pay again, they will try.

If you go on the internet there is a service company who will cremate the body for $2500 and the reviews are very good. That's just one option. My husband also wants to be cremated and through his social security, I plan to put a small amount of it each month in a prepay plan for his cremation. You can open a savings account for that purpose if the company doesn't have that option. Even the funeral home that quoted you $3700 has a prepay plan through the universal mortuary company of all funeral homes that pays 2% or better. That's better than most banks. If she has $200 after bills are paid, I would ask her to put a small portion each month in a savings account for unexpected expenses that her funeral might incur that she didn't realize might come up.

I can attest to the fact that even with the popular funeral preplanning, there is definitely a cost involved. I knew my parents both had pre-planning in place and made the mistake of thinking all would be taken care of with their monthly payments to the cemetery. NOT!!!!

When Mom passed in November of 2016, I went to the funeral home/cemetery to sign papers and make arrangements. That cost $2,000+. When I was done with them, I went across the parking lot to the cemetery office. I came out of there minus $5,000+, taken on payments of $350 a month. That was for several charges, including opening the grave, burial, closing the grave, and a small,
unassuming gravemarker. To this day, I don’t know what the heck they paid for all those years. Neither had funerals or memorial services. They did have plots, though, for which I am grateful. That would have been another $5,000. There was no inheritance and the cost all fell on us. We’re still dealing with the repercussions.

Make sure you know exactly what to expect when she passes. Get a copy of any pre-planning paperwork and memorize it, especially the fine print. Don’t let her blow you off! My mom would be incensed if she knew how her careful preplanning all turned out and how much it cost us.

Hangingon, maybe you've already done this. But when your mother says "it's all taken care of" and you ask her what she means, what does she say?

Does she have records of having prepaid?
Does she have some kind of savings account she hasn't told you about?
Or funeral cover, again that she hasn't told you about?

Really, this is up to her. She either tells you what she means by "taken care of" so that you can act on her plan when the time comes; or she doesn't, and you won't have the money or the information to get it taken care of, so - I'm sorry to say - she will end up where she ends up, and it'll be far too late to complain.

I understand your frustration, but actual worry? Really? Why? Who's going to get hurt?

When my mom died she thought everything would be paid useing money from a free $ 25.000 life insurance policy she had gotten from the bank after checking into it , it was just accedental death so no money. she didn't understand .so might ask her about that if you can, But I know how upset they can get but there going to want there money immediately. maybe she has a funeral fund or burial insurance .ask to check it over to make sure there's not been any change do to some new regulations or something. Had that actually happen with the FIL account, thank goodness we found it in time.

Was or is your Dad a Vet? If so they both are entitled to be buried free of charge in a Veterans cemetery. That does not include the cost of cremation or memorial services. The VA also allows a very small about for funeral. You can look this up on the VA government site.

Was or is your Dad a Veteran? If so, they both are entitled to free burial at a Veterans Cemetary. They also allow a very small amount of the funeral. This does not include the cost of cremation or memorial service. I hope I'm allowed to post this site. This is my first reply to a question. explore.va.gov/memorial-benefits My prayers are with you.

One has to remember that each State may be different when it comes to laws regarding funeral homes, cremations, and cemeteries.

Here in my State, if one purchases a cemetery ground plot, the person receives paperwork which is similar to a land deed.... saying said person owns this plot of land in named cemetery, lot # such and such, in row such and such. Plots can run in cost of $3k and higher, depending on the cemetery. Non-profit cemeteries are less expensive.

If someone passes away, it is the funeral director that contacts the cemetery regarding the grave site, to verify such plot exist and if the date is good for a funeral. Then it is the funeral director that contacts the grave diggers, and the cemetery marks off the space. And it is up to the family to contact the companies that makes the headstones.

Like I said, each State is different.

Check into body donation... you will get ashes back. Sciencecare no medcure are 2. I know with science care you can still donate organs if you wish, then they pick up the body, use what they need for 3-6 different purposes such as research, then return the cremated remains about 30 days later. All at no charge. Then you could have her ashes places in the mausoleum. The major costs in adding her are normally. The actual cremation and adding her name to the mausoleum plaque. I hope this helps

I forgot to add that you may wish to bring up to your mom, that she may think it's all taken care of, but that things have changed over the years, there are new fees, that they didn't used to charge. Explain you looked into it and how much it is going to cost. The mausoleum is only 1 of the fees. But then list done of the others and explain you want to be able to follow her wishes but without more details and the money to follow her wishes, you will be unable to and it will become a hardship on you.

For info about free Science Care. 800 417 3747. I plan on using them. Hospice is aware of them I read & knows what to do.

I had a deed for my Moms plot. Thats what the funeral home used.

Here in Central New Jersey, I went to several funeral homes to inquire about prepaying for one. My MIL, who is still alive at 94, just wants cremation and no funeral services of any kind, nor any casket. She wants her family to scatter her ashes in the ocean. In New Jersey, you can't arrange for cremation without going through a funeral home. The homes all gave me quotes around $2,900 - $3,000, including the cost of cremation. They tacked on a host of administrative fees. If there is any such thing as a "cheap funeral" , I haven't found it. My sister in Florida wanted the same thing, except rather than scattering her ashes, she wanted them buried with her husband in the Veterans Cemetery, which is done at no cost. We transported the ashes to the cemetery. The funeral home charged $2,900.

I have paid about $2500 for my cremation and a plastic box. I have asked my son to take ashes to my father's family cemetery in a small country town and throw them near the headstone I purchased some years ago--only needs to have date of death engraved. My husband is buried in his family's plot in another city, but there was no room there for me or for my sister-in-law's husband. My husband died unexpectedly 5 years ago and that seemed the best thing to do at the time. I did save some of his ashes to mix with mine, but I don't really care if the children don't do it. I won't be around to fuss!

I live in California, I just rechecked with the Memorial Society I have my prepaid cremation program with. Today it is $695.00 for pickup, consultation and cremation. That is all. At one of our local cemeteries you can scatter the ashes in a beautiful rose garden for $350.00. For my mother we scattered her in a forest where she loved to go. So there was no additional cost. My sister in law was buried and I don't know the cost of the plot, in her cardboard box with her favorite fabric wrapped around it. She was a quilter and you can take some of it with you. In fact I have some of the same fabric and I think of her every time I see it.

I would revisit the cemetery and get a breakdown of the costs.

I agree, just tell your mother that it looks to you that she won't be buried with sister unless you have a better idea of what she means by it is all taken care of.

Oh, if the diseased is indigent, our county will cremate that person. A relative has to fill out an Indigent program form and if you wish the ashes you can make small monthly payments. So, if you truly have no money, remember, the county will take care of the remains.

Get a written quote from the cemetery. Then, set up a burial account at a bank. This money can only be accessed upon her death. In Mass. the limit it $1500. Just put a little in each month. When she passes, I believe that SS pays $250 or $350 death benefit.

Hangingon61: You could keep her remains at home with you once she passes and I'm so sorry to hear that your mom is terminally ill. If everything were paid for at the cemetery, they would have issued her a DEED. That is key here; either locate the document (deed) or the cemetery is ripping you off because if mom has the deed, she owns the place of her burial.  I dislike asking, but you  will have to consider her reverse mortgage when she passes. Most reverse mortgages must be repaid (including all unpaid interest and fees) when they leave the home permanently. This includes when they sell the home or die. However, most reverse mortgages are owner-occupier loans only so that the borrower is not allowed to rent the property to a long-term tenant and move out. A borrower should check this if he thinks he wants to rent his property and move somewhere else

If you can convince your mother that the final expenses have not been prepaid, does she have any funds to do anything about that?

Why is she opposed to borrowing on the reverse mortgage?

We live by the sea, and most people I know have put their parents’ ashes into the sea, usually from a boat or a jetty. I have never fancied the ‘urn on the shelf’ option. Sister's ashes won't know if she joins them or not.

My mother had really strong views about expensive funerals, and she was revolted at the idea of embalming and open casket viewing. I checked around for quotes for cremation and a funeral service. One firm advertised ‘from $x’, a very low figure. When I asked, they said that was only for ‘pauper’ funerals for the state government. I said that if it was advertised but not available, I would take it up with our state Consumer Affairs department, and suddenly it was available. We had a basic coffin, covered with my mum’s bedspread, and the service was fine. We sprinkled her ashes from the shore at the beach we went to with her as children.

We did it the way she had talked about for years, and were glad we did. It’s not the easiest thing to negotiate immediately after a death, but you are doing it anyway. The funeral business has been exposed as a rip-off many times, so stick to your guns!

Hangingon61,
If it were me, I wouldn't upset your mom at this point. You said she has no money anyway, so how could she pay more right now? Why have her die thinking that she won't be able to be where she wants to be? ("Therapeutic fib" for kindness.)

What type of reverse mortgage does she have?
Do you plan on paying the loan back and keeping her house?
Would you be able to get the money out of the reverse mortgage or would she need to be present?
If you paid for her costs on a credit card then pay off her reverse home mortgage over a few months (providing that's doable), could you then sell her house and pay off your credit card?

Worse case scenario, you have her cremated for the cheapest price and keep her ashes until you can put her in the mausoleum.
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I've checked 2 places here in Tijuana for my mom, so far. One very large and famous mortuary charges $3,200. U.S. dollars. They practically refused to give me what I wanted-just a simple cremation.
(In Mexico many people are buried. They have very long viewing and visiting hours-from morning to midnight then closed during the night, then open for the morning again next day.). Also, their half open caskets are covered with glass (or a plastic) so you can't touch the deceased.) I didn't want a casket, a viewing, a procession, a burial or crypt-nothing. They treated me like I was committing a sin. They wouldn't budge on the price even though I'd only get a simple cremation.

The other one we checked charged $600. U.S. dollars for just a cremation and a cardboard box. You can buy other nicer wooden or metal boxes/urns for a charge.

I'm with cetude, why spend thousands on a lifeless body? To me, the essence of the person (soul) has transcended and no longer needs the body. I know a lavish church service, funeral procession, casket, gravesite service, gravesite location and headstone, etc. has meaning to many and that's great if someone can afford it but, for me, keep it simple. Spend the money on me while I can enjoy it! And I'm going to spend most of what I have before I go! ;)