HI all,
For those who are following my posts, you know the situation - myself and my brother are POAs for my narcisist dad with dementia, who is in assisted living, and just now realizing that he is incompetent for decision making.

DPOA was put into effect by him via his attorney at the time of hospitalization last fall. Functionally it is still in effect with me managing most of his estate.

Question - how much do we need to reveal in good faith about issues with his house?
His current level of competency has not been tested or evaluated, but most in contact with him agree that it is worse than when he signed to DPOA into effect. . He is in AL and is "ok" with me running most of his finances and estate.

However , I recently discovered that his currently unoccupied house has roof leaks and some floor damage due to this. Am I obligated to tell him about this? The only reason that I am hesitant is because he will 1) Freak out 2) want to go see it 3) want to be involved and micro manage the repair process, even though he cannot remember things day to day and it will just slow things down, and drive me nuts.

Personally I would rather get the roof and floors fixed myself using his funds with careful documentation (and then with respect to soon selling it, I hope), without his getting involved or even knowing about it , and wanting to micro manage it. But, in good faith, am I obligated to tell him about the issues ?

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It was a years long battle to get my parents into assisted living. Neither of them had much ability to reason by this time. I had POA and had been taking care of their needs and finances.

As soon as they were settled in AL (never really settled) I stated cleaning out their falling down house and put it up for sale. It sold in a couple weeks and this money paid the huge expenses of elder care for the next four years.

I never discussed ANYTHING about the house sale with them. Left up to them, my mom at that point as dad hardly remembered his house, she would never have agreed to selling the house having the delusion that she was going home some day. She was a two person assist level at the point.

I sold the house “As Is”. It was a mess and getting worse. It was three states away from me and I was not going to spend tons of money and making that long drive trying to get it fixed up.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Windyridge
Missymiss Apr 1, 2024
Similar for me, but mom's house was only 1 state away. I had to search out some of the important documentation and family keepsakes. Everything left was donated, and the real estate agent said put it up "as is". Sold in one weekend and a huge responsibility off my plate. My siblings are not involved, so I'm taking care of everything. I only gave mom very general details because she asked.
You do not need to inform and involve your father if he has dementia that sends him into overdrive with worry, strugglin.
You will, as you said, manage this carefully documenting all actions taken. If it somehow ever comes up you will simply say "we had a few leaks and I have fixed them. I did a good job and got a great price just like you taught me, Dad".

When my brother made me POA and Trustee he remained competent enough to know where his money was, where he wanted it and why, how much he wished to give to a charity, what he wanted sold, what CD he wanted where and who was to be beneficiary on said CD. Because he was competent, I managed everything as he wished and gave him a monthly sheet explaining everything for that month, every penny in and every penny out.
He got so that finally he would just take it, clip it into his loose-leaf binder, and be satisfied; he was happy to be rid of all the responsibility once he knew I would share everything with him. He, his mentation, his hallucinations all IMPROVED with the lack of worry.

My bro had Lewy's Dementia. If he ever slid into the place where he was no longer competent, was wrong or was worried or was giving bad advice, I would have acted for him AS THE DOCUMENT SAID I HAD POWER TO DO. I would have protected his funds, and HIM from worry.

So I am saying your document explains your powers. You are doing your best. Do what you think is best.

Dee died before he lost his faculties completely. He got sepsis from a small wound on his shin and it killed him. He would have been so glad of that; he so wanted to beat Lewy to the grave. So I never had to face this. But I was ready to use MY BEST JUDGEMENT. You have proven yourself quite capable.
Make your decision and on you go.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to AlvaDeer

What would be the purpose of discussing with dad?
You listed good reasons NOT to involve him.
You have the authority, right?
If you are concerned about having the authority, I would contact the attorney.
Do know that water damage is the worst and should be dealt with ASAP to prevent even more damage.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to 97yroldmom

You are now in charge as your father is incompetent. I see no reason to discuss with your father.

When we moved my mother from NC to FL into AL, we handled everything she was not able to or interested for that matter. We cleaned out her house and sold it.
There were many repairs that we had to do before putting up for sale.

If he asks I would tell him, if not, I wouldn't. Why start trouble?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MeDolly

You wrote:

"Personally I would rather get the roof and floors fixed myself using his funds with careful documentation (and then with respect to soon selling it, I hope), without his getting involved or even knowing about it , and wanting to micro manage it. But, in good faith, am I obligated to tell him about the issues ?"

But you started with:

"...just now realizing that he is incompetent for decision making."

People with dementia can no longer process logic and reason, do simple problem solving, manage stress, etc. Nothing productive will come of telling him. Just repair the leak because this is in his best interest to do so and that's the job of the PoA.

Plus, you said he's a narcissist. Therefore you know full well how he'd react if you told him, even if he didn't have dementia.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Geaton777

So - I had a 30 min appointment with my attorney (trust / estate attorney who has worked on my trust, but also knows all areas of elder law), and had him re-educate me about my dad's DPOA document and medical advanced directive document. It cost me a couple hundred dollars, but was well worth it for additional peace of mind , in addition to the excellent comments here to my question. I feel more confident now knowing my position for financial POA and medical representative/ POA.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to strugglinson
97yroldmom Apr 1, 2024
SS. The meeting with the attorney is worth a year of therapy IMHO. It gives so much peace of mind. Especially when in doubt.
My brother was mom's durable POA. From the time she was diagnosed with dementia (but no declaration of incompetence) he/we managed her financial affairs with no informing her of anything.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Just fix the roof and floors so you won't stress him Out .
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to KNance72

If your father has dementia and your POA is active, you don't have to involve him in any of the decision making.

You already know what will happen if you involve him in any of the decisions you have to make concerning the house or anything else. His involvement will be a burden and an unnecessary obstacle to getting the things done you need to get done as POA.

I would not even show him receipts or any record of what you're spending. You don't have to do that either. As the POA you are responsible for aking his legal/medical decisions, paying his bills, and making sure that his day to day common needs are met. You are not obligated to explain every cent or show him records of anything.

The only time you have to show receipts, records, or anything else is his estate will be probated at some point and you have a claim to collect on. Or you are mismanaging his assets and not checking that his day to day needs are being met. In other words, someone suspects you of elder abuse then you answer to the court.

You are managing your father's life and his needs as best you can because you're a good son. Don't make things harder than they have to be by trying to explain every cent you spend and every decision you make to your father with dementia.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

I would do exactly as you suggest about getting repairs done without stressing your father out about what needs to be done.with As far as your father in concerned, you are "taking care of the house," and the roof and floor repairs are part of that care. Your father won't be the one getting bids or choosing a roofing company. Your plan to get repairs done yourself sounds just right.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

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