I moved here to become a caregiver for my grandmother. I had moved into my parents house so that they could continue their jobs and their lives. I also have six other brothers and sisters five of which live in this area but when never come to help even when I asked and begged. The expected time was to be short with just a couple months before she passed away it ended up being just over a year that I was her caregiver. I left my home my job everything behind I left my kids with their father to come and help out my family. I was my grandmother's caregiver 24 hours a day 7 days a week very rarely getting a break or a day to go out of the house. Over our time together my grandmother and I became very close and we developed this Bond and this trust that very rarely does one ever get it was almost like she was my little baby and I had to protect her. I loved doing this for her and I realized what a blessing it was that I was the one that got to do this for her. But also frustrating as I seen everybody else going about their everyday lives and just coming and going as they please and I wasn't able to do any of that. Since it became a lot longer than expected I lost my home I lost my job my kids have now been with their father for over a year they did come and visit me but towards the end it was too difficult to have them here to visit. My grandmother just passed away two days ago and now I have my mother and father asking me when I'm leaving and I'm still trying to cope with my grandmother dying. She my grandmother literally fought dying it ended up being miserable traumatic and she just suffered the past 2 weeks I hope to God I never see anything like that again. She was in so much pain she would ask me to help her and I wouldn't know how the nurse just continuing to give her medications but they never worked they just gave her more and more anxiety and made her more miserable. The nurse said that in her 26 years of being with hospice only one other time did she see anyone as bad as my grandmother. Finally on the day before she passed I exploded at my family because they were watching me fall apart and not doing anything and I told my dad he needed to go in there and be with his mother and I just couldn't be with her period I just could not see her like this. She passed away at 5 the next morning and I now feel extremely guilty because I wasn't there and then I got so angry the night before. I keep just waiting to here my grandmother asked me for something or I keep going and checking on her like I feel like there's this part of me that is missing and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I know I need to pack my stuff and get back to my hometown but I kind of don't know how to now and I'm scared to leave the house and don't know where to go I feel like I've lost everything since being here and I'm just lost. I know I need to get on with my life but how? And then how do I go back to living the life I did before I started doing this? Stop being a caregiver one day and then the next day go back to their lives they had before because I'm finding that I'm not so sure I can do that?
My mom passed away this past August. I looked after her for six years but she did not live with me and honestly- instead of developing the beautiful close bond you formed with your grandmother- we grew further and further apart. Still - just this afternoon I found myself doing my regular habit of just milling around the house without purpose. Something that started once I got my moms estate wrapped up. I asked myself how much longer I was going to wonder without purpose.
So me - nine months. You - two days! Please cut yourself some slack, okay? Treasure your memories of your grandmother and the bond you shared - but maybe tuck it away for a few weeks and focus on just you. If your parents house isn't conducive to healing - is there anywhere you can go to get a little warmth, love and nurturing? If not - do you have any money to rent yourself a little house on the beach, a lake or even a calming woods? You were your grandmothers angel of mercy - and in return you need to nurture yourself for a while. Rest. Relax. Sleep. Take walks.
Take care of you and don't be in a rush to resume a busy life. Take the necessary time to heal or you won't mend properly. And no big decisions okay? Lol - I wound up with a new puppy two weeks after my mom passed. Guess I thought I needed something to look after! In hindsight it was a mistake but I love the little terrorist now. Not nearly on the scale of the decisions you are considering too early- but you get my drift.
You didn't say, but how old are you, and how old are your kids, are they doing OK with their Dad, and are you even still together with him?
First off, I recommend a good sit down with your folks, and try to tell them exactly what you feel, and that you are intensely grieving, as I am sure that they are as well. Your "explosion" with your folks is understandable, considering how much stress you were under, and it sounds like it upset you and are felling bad about it, so talking about that and even a simple apology, might make you feel better about things.
Next up, have a chat with your kids Dad, show your appreciation of him for giving your kids this time and good care, and that you will need a little more time, to sort your head, before attempting to resume your own life with them again.
Have you been involved in the funeral arrangements for your Gran, as that is stressful in itself, and after all that is over, you will need a couple of weeks to decompress, either in your parents home, or elsewhere, but you definitely need a break from all of this!
Your relationship with your Gran was certainly intense, in the final months, and of course it was a blessing, that you were able to care for her and be there for her, as well as to forge that incredible Bond and Love, that so many Granddaughters miss out on, for living away, or being too young to truly appreciate the opportunity, and yes, even the difficult parts of this journey we call Life! .
Right now, it is time for you, and In time, you will look back on this time with her and for the most part remember it fondly. I certainly hope so, but it does take some time! I know, as I went through the whole Home Hospice thing with my Mom.
As you can, I would recommend you do a little research online about the Grieving process, and please know that it's different for everybody, and that the stages of grief do not necessarily come in any sort of order. It may even be helpful for you to attend some grief counselling, and if your Gran was on Hospice, they will likely have a connection for the counselling for you otherwise, your local hospital will be able to recommend a group for you.
Try to talk with friends and family, and try not to bottle up your feelings, but I know it's different for everybody.
This site is an excellent resource, do reach out, as there are Awesome folks on hear to chat with and have gone through the same sort of loss you are feeling right now. I wish you well in your in getting over the loss of your Grandma's, and again, you take care.
I, too, would like to come over and give your parents a piece of my mind. They will doubtless, in the future, come calling for you to caregive more relatives, or for your parents themselves. I think you've done your part.
Don't expect too much of yourself for a while. You've been through an ordeal.
You are grieving and everything you are feeling is normal. Grief takes time.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. Be honest with yourself about what you need and want for your future. Be honest with your childrens' dad because he and your children are the family you will have long into the future.
You can get past this. Your grandmother was old and appreciated what you did for her. Use what you learned from taking care of her and apply it to yourself and to your children and their father. Life is short. Make the most of it.
You're so hard on yourself.
Take a moment.
Sit back.
Marvel at your life:
at the grief that softened you,
at the heartache that wisened you,
at the suffering that strengthened you.
Despite everything,
you still grow.
Be proud of this.
You are still very, very new to this loss, and it's going to take time. Take it easy on yourself. But also know that you're not alone. There are SO many of us here that have been through tough losses within the past year. We know how you're feeling. My mom has been gone almost a year now, and I still feel like I'm just floating through life some days. Other days, I feel like my old self and like I can move on and get things done.
Just give it time. I know it seems like the grieving and pain will never end - and in a way, it won't - but in another way, you WILL feel better with time. You'll remember your grandmother fondly and find yourself laughing or smiling when you remember something she would have said in a particular situation, or find yourself doing things the way she would have done them - and you'll smile at her memory. You won't always hurt like you do now.