My mother has never been especially kind in fact she’s always been quite manipulative and angry. Her husband died a year and a half ago (from complications of alcoholism) and she had to come live with me. She lived over an hour away and had no friends or family close by. She falls and has had a stroke and two heart attacks. I made the only decision that I felt I could. She has become increasingly angry, has hit me on several occasions, blocks my phone number, calls me horrible names and refuses to do much of anything for herself. Most recently she came into a room after waking up and asked where her mother is.. before thinking it out I replied “in Heaven”. She looked at me and said “oh I hate it when I do that”.. I am at a loss and have no help with her. Her sisters (long ago) broke ties with her because of her behavior and we haven’t seen my sister in well over a year. I’ve helped get her house sold and she wants a new one. Most of the time she’s ok. All she wants to do is play on her phone and watch television. She has never ever lived alone and expects me to move with her. I know the abuse will continue as it has my entire life. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing but I’m unsure if she’s declining due to MCI, Dementia or Alzheimers or if it’s manipulation to get me to live with her..or even a combination of these. I consistently see her behavior change depending on who she is around at the time (most of the time to gain sympathy or attention). I work in an environment that I deal with Altzheimers and Dementia with behaviors every day all day but these are people that have an established diagnosis and are very progressed in them.. any words or advice is welcome. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.
The goal is that she moves out and someone else or a team of someones becomes her caregiver. Also, lots of people learn to live alone and enjoy it. She’s not some special snowflake who is entitled to move into your home and declare that you must sacrifice yourself to please her!
I hope you can do what you must do to distance yourself. She is not the boss of you unless you allow it.
If you forget where you put your keys, that’s basic forgetting.
But if you forget what keys are for, that’s Alzheimers.
I can easily predict what the other responses to this post will be: She cannot live with you. You should not be her caregiver in any way.
I was floored when I got to the end of your post, where you say you deal with people with Alzheimers and Dementia every day, yet you are unsure if your mother is declining due to MCI, Dementia, Alzheimers, or simply displaying her baseline manipulative behavior.
I don't think it matters. You can encourage her to see a neurologist for an evaluation and diagnosis, if that will make you feel better. Still, I don't think it matters. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER AND ACCEPT HER BEHAVIOR.
Apparently the decision to have her move in with you was the only decision you felt you could make. That was a mistake. As you can clearly see now.
Well, maybe not so clearly, or you would not have asked for guidance in this forum.
You end by saying you feel helpless.
You are not. There are options which could work out well for you and your mother.
It's unfortunate that she lost her husband over a year ago. It's unfortunate that she has had a stroke and two heart attacks. It's unfortunate that she had no family or friends nearby, and that she has never lived alone.
NONE of that is your problem. And you don't need to fix it. What is your problem is living with a mother who has been abusive your entire life.
No matter the mental reason for her abusive behavior, it has to end now!
Sell her home, and find a nice independent senior living apartment for her nearby, or in assisted living, if she gets a proper diagnosis and needs that level of care. It would probably be best to find a continuum of care community, which will adapt to her changing needs over time.
You are not in a helpless position. You made a mistake, one you can rectify. The next move you make has to work for YOU. Your mother may want you to live with her, but you have already seen that is not sustainable. She is a grown woman. She is facing some hard changes in her life, and it is not your job to fix her challenges.
Decide to detach.
Know it might be hard / difficult.
Realize you deserve to put yourself first.
You do not owe another person 'your life' for the rest of theirs - although you can decide how much of your time and energy to provide. You first need to know you have this choice.
You can make arrangements / or help them make other arrangements.
If dementia is present, proceed accordingly.
If a possibility, get the person tested.
If they do not want to go and get tested 99.99-3/4% won't want to - and why would they ???), get them to the MD or psychological assessment person any way you can. "We're going out for lunch and then "Oh, I need to stop here first."
- If you are going to stay involved, get your legal authority in order.
- If you do not have legal authority, stop and let the person handle their own affairs.
- Know you can only do so much and then you need to let go (and as appropriate, "Let God.")
You have to feel you deserve a quality life and often this means diving in deep - inside - dealing with feelings of guilt and all the hard stuff ...
the "I have to's or the "I should's".
Often our behavior (and thinking) is on automatic and we have to 'self intervene' to realize this ... and say... "OH, I CAN CHANGE THIS THOUGHT ... (and then behavior).
It IS a revelation.
I can understand where this automatic thought/behavior is coming from and make an/other decisions on how to proceed. Or you don't understand where it is coming from and you make a healthy decision anyway.
Get into therapy to deal with the hard stuff.
Get a support group; people who understand to LISTEN and not give advice unless asked for -
Thank you for your response Caring Wife.
Gena / Touch Matters
You have no expertise to judge if t his is behavioral, mental deficiencies, or dementia.
Please see a doctor with you mother.
The truth is that you mother, if this is dementia, is soon passing the stage where she can be cared for safely in your home. It is time now also to assess her funds, and what care she may qualify for through Medicaid if that's needed.
Your own life should NOT be sacrificed on your mother's burning funeral pyre. That would be very poor decision making on your part, and at this point you are the only one capable of making a decision here.
I wish you the best of luck.
The right thing for you is to not be her in-person, hands-on caregiver. The right thing is for you to have healthy boundaries with her, like all the other family and people who steer clear of her.
The right thing for her is appropriate care so that she is protected, housed, nurished and socialized. This would be in an elder care facility.
But then there's the question of legal authority... are you her PoA? If not, does she have one? If not, the only power you have is to choose to stay away from her and report her to APS as a vulnerable adult. Eventually she will be assigned a court-ordered 3rd party legal guardian who will take over her care. And it won't matter how resistant or aggressive she is to them -- they know how to humanely deal with people like her. My family had a good experience with legal guardian assigned to my SFIL. It was a win-win and really the only solution left.
You aren't helpless. You will now have to make some decisions that temporarily will feel difficult, and will invite the ire of your Mother. That's ok -- things will improve once she is in appropriate care by someone else.
Make an appointment with a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for a full exam.
Protect yourself.
If she becomes violent in any way call 911 and make it clear you are afraid for your safety.
Your next thing on your "to do list" is get her to an Elder Care Attorney. Make sure you have all the proper paperwork that you will need in order to make decisions for her. If you do not want to take this on once she is formerly diagnosed she will need a Guardian appointed and the Court will do that.
You can check with local Senior Service in your area and see if she qualifies for any help. They may provide caregivers.
If her husband was a Veteran she may qualify for benefits. She may qualify for Aid and Attendance. (this is income based though)
You may want to begin the process of looking to determine if she qualifies for Medicaid if that might be needed.
As you well know caring for her will get more difficult and time consuming. You may also want to begin looking for a facility that will meet her care needs. And if she does qualify for Medicaid look for facilities that accept Medicaid. And if they do some may want her to be "private pay" for a while before Medicaid kicks in.