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Thank you and what is APS?
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I agree with the part about stop enabling them but I live far away so waiting for a crisis really makes me nervous. I keep talking to my mother, taking things away gradually, letting it sink in and hoping a praying that one day she is going to say alright lets do this. If this does not happen I know that I will have to insist. Most of my friends who have been through this support the theory of lying to them. Something like pack a bag we are going on vacation and take them to an AL. I know some that have kept up the rouse for years. Lying is hard for me and keeping it up is even harder but I have seen it work.
I have had AL managers talk about there facilities like that, they are going on vacation. They no longer have to cook, clean or do laundry, they just have to have fun. My mother can not see the differences between and AL and NH so we are working on that right now.
Good luck.
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Short answer is, you don't. Unless they are legally incompetent and under guardianship then they are free to make their own, albeit bad, decisions. The way most of us have managed to get our LO talked into moving to assisted living is to stop enabling them. Hopefully it doesn't end in the dreaded fall where they are actually unable to move back home but you do have to make it uncomfortable enough for them to finally make the move. If you are stopping by every day or every few days stop doing that. If you are taking care of all the repairs, or supplying meals, or making arrangements for housekeeping stop doing that. Once they are forced to really "live" on their own and it becomes impossible they may change their minds. But be prepared that they will just continue to muddle along in a dangerous situation and you will have to wait for the crisis.
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Kathi, you stop running to the rescue, that is how they are forced to make changes. Sorry, I know that path stinks, but you can not force anyone to move unless you have guardianship, their rights are paramount in the eyes of the law not their safety.
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Kathi3 Aug 27, 2020
Yes I know about hte laws and you are right. I did not mean to side track that part. I even know of people who have bullied there parent into an AL and the parent turns around and called the police and told them they had been kidnapped. The police took the parent home and the AL had no choice but to let them go. So you are correct.
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Where do you want your mother to move to?
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Kathi3 Aug 27, 2020
Right now I am looking at all options but the ALs in Florida are much nicer, newer and less expensive than where I live, so that is my focus right now.
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Even if you have the legal authority to force incompetent elders into care it’s not easy. I had a POA giving me broad powers but I waited for the event/crisis to make the move. Otherwise I would have had to physically drag them in the door.

I moved mom to assisted living after she fell and was in the hospital. She did not come home, went directly into care. Dad had dementia at this point, no short term memory. I had to bamboozle him to get him to move in with mom a few days later.

None of this was pleasant or easy. The first couple weeks were pure hell but it had to be done.

My advice is to start laying track now. Look at facilities in your area. Get the money figured out etc.
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Kathi3 Aug 27, 2020
That is what I am doing.
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If you have POA and Mom has been declared incompetent to handle her own affairs, then its time for you take over her care. Its no longer what she wants, its what she needs.

I suggest since you have downsized and husband has health problems you not bring her into ur home. If Mom has money, spend it on a nice AL near you if u want. If no money, then its Medicaid in a long term care facility. You will need to check with Medicaid on resident criteria if u bring her to ur state. Your Moms Dementia will worsen. A time will come when she needs 24/7 care. Like u have written, its getting too much for the neighbor.
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Kathi3 Aug 27, 2020
She has some money enough to last a few years in an AL, then Medicaid will have to help out, so I am looking for an AL that will accept Medicaid when needed, ones that also have MC, so that she could stay on the same campus preferably. I started out looking at CCRCs but they are very expensive and so far she has not qualified financially. Is that what you mean by long term care facility?
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We just lied to my mom.  We told her that she and my sister were going to visit me in my new house.   When she asked when she was going home, we said in a week or two.
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Kathi3 Aug 27, 2020
Did it work?
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You list this under Alzheimer's and Dementia. So I am guessing that both have dementia? And are diagnosed? Are you POA? Are you guardian? What powers are designated under your POA if you have it? What you can "force" is dependent on what powers are conferred upon you. If you have no conservatorship, no guardianship, and your parents fight a move, are not BOTH diagnosed as demented, you are down to the mercy of the state, calling APS for an assessment of what may be a dangerous situation for your parents. Without further info that's about it.
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