When do I get MY life back?

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When do I get MY life back?

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JoAnn29, I agree with you! This situation "fell" into my lap, too. No one else helps out except for my cousin (POA).I became the de facto caregiver because I am living with her and no one else has the time ( or so they say) because of kids, spouses, careers (all the things that I DON'T have right now. Katie 222 and HomewithDad...I love your positive attitude. I will try to hang in there and do my best, as I will be needing to look at the big picture and the bright side. She is one of the last connections I have to my late mom.

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Home with Dad, the word is "chose" is the word. Not all have chosen what they are doing, it just fell in their laps. Its not so much being the caregiver for some, its that the other siblings don't pitch in with the care. I'm only 7 months into this. My Mom is basically easy. I pay an aide to bathe her 3x a week. Big help. I have a brother 1/2 hour away another six hours away. In the long run it would be nice if the close one volunteered to sit with Mom for a day. The other brother, take one of his vacation weeks and come and take care of Mom at my house so we can get away. I know this will never happen. You seem to have all our ducks in a row. You seem to have found that happy medium for now.

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I feel just as HomewithDad does and have had to adjust my expectations of life for now.At first that is really hard, giving up life as you know it and freedom. Meanwhile I am doing what I can with what I have to get ready when the change comes, and I am told that once it does it all happens fast. I want to be in good condition and ready for all that. I tell myself daily not to panic, keep calm and stay the course. Day at a time.

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If ur Aunt was living alone there would be no one to let the therapist in. They are used to just walking into homes. Why can't u ask for rehab. I don't think u should give up anything. Ask for help. And the 11 yr old is his mothers responsibilty. Explain u can't do it all, she is just going to have to find someone else.

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Who is living your life for you? Is it best for you to have the total responsibility for both and leave yourself in most likely an unhealthy situation? The caregiver frequently dies first if they don't take care of themselves and does too much for those that need 24/7 care which would best be done by others.

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I think that a workable analogy for our lives as caregivers is - it is similar to being in jail or a POW in war -we have lost our freedom and it feels like we have lost our lives. The people we care for drain us emotionally.

I look at it like I am in jail, and I don't know when I will get out - but I WILL - when my loved one goes to heaven. So I look forward to my freedom some day, and I try to prepare for it. I exercise, eat right, stay healthy, and I am working on preparing for a new career that will be only possible when my Mother is gone.

In the meantime, I do the best I can. I take time out for myself, I am honest with myself and my Mom. I draw boundaries. I just keep on keeping on. Someday I will be free again, and in the meantime, I chose to do this so I must take responsibility for the situation I find myself in. I do what I can to improve it, and I ignore or down play what I cannot change. Accept what I cannot change, as the serenity prayer says.

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Amen Readytogo I agreed. It doesn't worth hurting yoyourself when there are other possibilities. Yourself comes first and It is not selfish doing. We have to be able and capable physically, mentally and emotionally to take on such drainful responsibility. Gospelgirl you need to seek help from other relatives because such responsibility would reck your nerve
then both you and your aunt would need caregivers. Sometimes we want to help our love ones, we love them that much that we don't even see ourselves diminishing slowly until we drop.

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you fon't get your life back..maybe when they die..I've hone through three yesrs of my husband w vascular dementia..uncontrolled diabetes.. in 2 nursing homes
now working on the third no money in the bnk.NH rerouted
his ss check to Their acct..i am left only w my ss
it s==×€&)₩#$ now i know why spouses commit suicide

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At 85K a year for a nursing home, I don't consider taking Mom in a mistake though it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have had to come to terms that my life is just different, restricted. I do what I can and hope someday to be able to travel or come and go as I want again. There are many times, like Salisbury, where I wonder if that will ever happen.
I have found taking it one day at a time is the best way to deal with this. I have no family to come and relieve me either. Lately for some reason, after dealing with tons of hospita peoplel, nursing home rehab and lazy aides, and pushy physical therapists for the past year etc etc, I don't mind being housebound with just a nurse and health aide to help me a couple days a week. It is the push to cure a person that just isn't getting better that is the worst time of it all.

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F erris1 and Salisbury. ..I was trying to wait until POA cousin recovered from her minor surgery procedure before asking for her help; she is better now and almost back to normal, so she will be more available to help me out. I was just frustrated with the fact that just as things seemed to be easing up for me, she got sicker and everything starts all over again.Ready2Go...Aunty is 76 .

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2burntout....both of her sons died in their 30's; both from drug-related issues. .I moved in with her about 8 years ago because of personal problems too complicated to go into now.Both of my parents died when I was young; mom at 6 and dad at 17; grandma raised me and 2 of my 8 siblings (there are 4 of us surviving now).Aunty was like a "second mom"; she babysat me and did things for me when grandma was busy or working.
So as an adult, I have been sort of like an only child.

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Does she have any kids? Not sure why you've become primary caregiver because it's forever life changing and life robbing. I too have been caring for my mother for almost 12 years. I've put a lock box outside the door and PT and OT have the combination to get in so I don't have to be there more than I already am. Being an only child, I have no one who can help but as a niece, there must be others who can step up. The bottom line is this: what will be easier to live with in the long run, caregiving now (incredibly difficult as it is) or placing her in a skilled facility and potentially living with guilt for the rest of your life. And for those of you who say guilt is self inflicted, you're absolutely right. Aren't most things in our lives self inflicted? Sending you strength and peace. You're not alone. Many of us are sacrificing what's left of our "declining years" with no visible light at the end of the tunnel. I'm assuming you have parents that you may eventually have caregiving responsibilities for. Save your strength, you're going to need it. Hand this baton to someone else.

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Have you looked into home hospice? We are just signing up and Medicare pays for all. Check out http://www.Aseracare.com to see if it available in your area. I did not know it existed and I am more hopeful tat some of the caregiving stress will lessen with their services. My MIL has dementia and my days are not my own. My blood pressure is out of wack and my Dr is adding medicine for blood pressure and anxiety. My health is suffering so I am hoping this helps

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I agree with everyone that tells you to TELL people what exactly you are needing. And thank goodness you have people to help with transportation and other things. I'm by myself AND take care of 2 small grandkids when they are sick or out of school. My mom and dad have no one else and it is draining and seems to be never ending. At least my mom is in a facility where she is being taken care of but I still must make decisions, go and check in on her to make sure she IS being taken care of and do all sorts of paper work. With dad, well, the list is too long. My husband just retired and we had big plans years ago before all this started. It's hard to go places when I do get to get away. I worry constantly and last trip to some relatives he got very sick so I had to come home. Like I said....it's hard and frustrating but I have gotten close to my dad and would do it again. Maybe do some things a little differently but all in all I've done my best and he loves me for it. Last thing though, again, TELL people you need a break, make plans and TELL them when you will be going and when you will be back, period. Let them figure it out. I didn't do that when my sister was alive and THAT is something I would definitely do differently. Good Luck and God Bless

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You get yr life back when the person you are caring for dies. Until then you suffer, feel the life being sucked out of you, try to make the person you are caring for a priority while your life falls apart. Because while everyone says get a social worker or community assistance all of those agencies eventually go away and you are once again stuck caring and caring and wishing for your life. Trust me.. I'm living it solo. No one really helps you

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My son graduated college out of state in May and accepted a job in yet another state. I so wanted to help him move and help get his new apartment set up. It is so hard to leave my parents. I made many arrangements and lists and I went. Sis was great, she even sent me pix of her visits to parents to reassure me! Bless her heart. The minute I got away a lightness came over me that was heavenly. I realize now how important it is to take a break. It was hard work moving my son, but the change in routine for 4 days was like a tonic!

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Ferris1 is correct. Get out and let the family take care of themselves.

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Ferris is right. And, hey, get that POA to step up!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You get your life back to yourself when you decide to get it back. No one is holding a gun to your head. If the duties you have already agreed to are too much for you, then tell people. Communicate your feelings to them. Have the POA cousin hire someone who can take over while you get respite. Everyone doing caregiving deserves a break. Sounds like you are at that point!

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I was wondering how things were going with you now Gospelgirl. If you want your life back you will have to assert yourself and take it! I think you are now seeing the reality of some of the advice given in previous posts, Auntie's health will continue to decline and her needs will continue to increase. Unless you are willing to eventually become her hands on 24/7 caregiver you should begin to extract yourself from your family obligations NOW. The longer you delay, the more enmeshed you will become and the harder it will be to make the change.

As for the babysitting, it was disingenuous of the family to expect that Auntie was going to be able to handle that just as she always had done, they knew perfectly well in reality it was you doing the caregiving there, not Auntie. Just give them the dates you are going to be away and tell them to make other arrangements. There should be lots of high school age kids available who would like to pick up a few dollars this summer.

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How old is Aunty? I totally agree with Salisbury. Get help NOW! Taking my mom in was the worst mistake I've ever made. I know you feel a responsibility to care for Aunty, but your first responsibility is your own health. I've figured that out after only 6 months of this living hell, and I'm taking steps to remedy my situation. I suggest you do the same. When I took my mom in, others told me it would drain the life right out of me, and that mom would probably outlive me because of it. I can now see that is happening. I'm not going to let that happen. It's not worth last third (or more) of my life to help with the poor quality last few years of someone else's. It's not selfish. It's self-preservation. You have to do what's best for your FIRST. You're no good to anyone if you're not good to yourself first.

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And seriously speak to your aunt about a nursing home. If she's on Medicaid it won't cost anything other than what they take out of her monthly income...social security. Or they may take nothing. Find a social worker at the hospital and talk to her/ him about help and possibilities. They're miracle workers.

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Is a nursing home out of the question? Also, if she's not on Medicaid, look into it. Once approved, between Medicare and Medicaid the resources are staggering. You can get round the clock, 7 days a week aides if she fits the criteria. Stop sacrificing your life. You don't have to be there just to let people in. Set up a system where you know who's going to be there when and leave a key outside for those you trust. Last, step back a little. Sounds like everyone else is doing what they want. As long as you're there they won't bother. Stop being a martyr. Take that volunteer job! Just tell other family members you're gone. Let them pick up the slack.

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Oh, Gospelgirl, I really do believe that every one of us asks ourselves this question.

I ask myself when my life will begin, but more earnestly, what will be left of me when this is over? As I am caregiving, I am getting older. I am getting stiff and sore and lame. So far, I am holding it together mentally but physically, I can feel myself getting older. So, if and when I am ever "free," what will I be able to enjoy of life? Travel? That would be nice but I am beginning to doubt it.

You need to find people to relieve you now!!!! I got my courage up this year and asked my husband's son to stay with him while I take my grandchildren on a trip. He was happy to do it. He is coming to PA from CA for one week. Isn't that nice? I am very grateful to him.

Does Auntie have relatives who can relieve you?

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I went thou visiting nurse pt ot rn and voice at home visits my self every day of the week makes mayhem in your life and the one there there to help but you can get fill in nursing set up and that will free you up but you have to talk to a ss worker at doctors and let them come in house regualy to sit with her that's what I was told so her comes more stranger but less work more time for you to rest

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I'm confused as to exactly what your question is and where you need advice? Can you clarify?

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