I’ve realized that my husband and I are starting to build this very thick wall between us..and I don’t think I have the energy to break it anymore.
So currently I’m a student who lives with my husband, my parents, and his mom under the same roof. My husband works to help out with the mortgage. My parents pay for the rest of the bills. His mom helps a little bit for my mom.
I blame him sometimes because I hate how because his mom “pays” $500 to say “rent” and “food” what not, she thinks she doesn’t have to help out with minor things around the house, like clearing out the garbage or cleaning a little bit. If she really can’t do it, let me know then I’ll do it. I really wasn’t asking for much because her cooking isn’t great..and I can’t be forcing her to do it.
So because of that, it always becomes an argument about how I don’t bring any income to the family and I’m just a deadweight in the house because of me going to school. Confronting him about his mom always comes back to me. And we argue and argue about it. It comes to a point where we even scream divorce and he would take his phone out and record the argument.
So now that’s not even the worst part. Recording is already bad enough. But I found out from my friend that he’s been posting the video on Facebook and he deletes it almost automatically. But the problem is my friend already saw it. He now posted a picture of me, drew a clown costume over me and named me Karen. When I confronted him about it, he removed the post sure but a few of his friends already say it and told me about what he did.
I was heart broken of course. Because I felt ok even when we argue I don’t post on social media and be like oh he said this to me oh he did this to me. I tried hard to keep it on the low. But for him it’s always oh I’m going to tell my friends and my family about u and I’m going to send this video around so people can see how crazy you r.
When did posting this on Facebook make it ok? I felt betrayed and disrespected all the time and he doesn’t see that.
What do u think I should do to prevent this from going further down? Is divorce really is what needed for us?
It sounds like your in the early stages of an abusive relationship.
https://jewishboard.org/listing/bay-ridge-counseling-center/
The Jewish Board has many sites around Brooklyn; the link I gave you is for the office in Bay Ridge. Find the one closest to you and make an appointment.
You may want to consult with a lawyer about may be divorcing. Legal aid goes by scale. Maybe the house can be sold and you can get your parents money back.
Otherwise, this is not the place for your concern.
Mindlessbrain, I think anyone who thinks that posting on social media is either a legitimate way to complain, or solve a problem, is not someone mature enough to be in a marriage.
And I think the issues are between you and your husband, not the parents and MIL. As JoAnn writes, this isn't a caregiving issue, it's a marital one.
Your husband is acting like an abusive child by posting your fights on Facebook; that is unacceptable, even if he takes the post down after getting enough 'likes'. He's exploiting YOU for HIS gain. Not good.
My step daughter posted on Facebook recently that her husband was having an affair with his co-worker, who's also married with children, and they both work together in the same facility, risking both of their jobs. I was literally shocked to read that post on FB and could not understand why she did it, except to extract her pound of flesh. She DID that, too..............now we're all wondering if the marriage has even a sliver of a chance. Not just because she aired their dirty laundry on social media, but because of the betrayal on both parts. I see her post as a betrayal as well as his infidelity. This is NOT how adults comport themselves in a marriage, sorry.
Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from this mess you're in. Whether that means moving away from the parents and the in laws, or getting marriage counseling, just dumping your DH, or all of the above...........just wishing you good luck and Godspeed.
You ask the above question back in May and looks like I am the only one who replied. And one before that. Sorry, I don't think this forum can help you. We are Caregivers that share our experiences. You need a marriage counselor. I really don't think we can help you with your situation.
You need to make some hard decisions. Who owns the home? (I think I remember it was ur parents) If your parents, then husband and his Mom need to leave. Then you need to find a job fulltime and help your parents. School will just need to go on the back burner till you have time to figure things out. If husband and Mom refuse to leave, your parents will need to evict them. You are not in a good situation. Only you can improve it. If house is too much for parents to handle, then maybe time to sell and use the proceeds to get an apt where u and your parents can live. This is all up to you at this point. You are being abused and parents taken advantage of.
hes right when he said I needed him so that I don’t have to worry about the money aspect of life, but he threatens me if I don’t at least try to be nice to him then he won’t pay. How is this allowing me to not worry when this is what he’s using against me? Sometimes I truly regret quitting my long term job for school because even tho it wasn’t a lot but I was making money before school and because he encouraged me to do so and I believed him. I felt set up, u know? I felt like he was doing this on purpose so that he can enjoy every moment of abusing me. And I told him he is abusing me but he denies it of course.
all I asked was his mom to help me keep an eye out on the house. That’s all I asked for. And this is what I get.
I practically cried for help and talked to one of his close friends to see if they can reach out to him and clear out his mind. I tried asking him to go to counseling with me and word for word he said I don’t need counseling but u do. It’s another layer of betrayal because it’s showing that he’s not wanting this marriage to work and the only problem that he sees in his life is me.
ive even questioned myself if he might’ve been seeing someone else. Maybe he’s talking to someone on the side and maybe the other person is making him feel good about himself. And apparently I’m not doing enough. I hate this. And I already know I have depression. Sometimes suicidal thoughts even come out. I wanted counseling but I honestly can’t afford it. And with school in the way. I’m just glad I’m not pregnant, u know?
Seems like there must be some other online groups to complain about husbands and how FB is used.
THEN, IF you’re able to remember the reasons why you chose to connect yourself permanently and legally to this person, go back to the earliest days of falling in love with him and honestly and objectively evaluate whether there was enough THEN to decide as you did, or marry him.
Do this because it will give YOU a better sense of whether there’s ANYTHING that you might want to salvage from a relationship that’s been so terribly soiled by his horrible, assaulting, insulting actions.
If you decide that there is, tell him quietly and very briefly that you and he will need to seek counseling RIGHT NOW, and that if he refuses to comply, you will go by yourself, and make decisions for your future based on help from your therapist.
If you decide that you cannot find enough from your past to see forward to any kind of mutually pleasant and comfortable future, consult a lawyer to determine your legal rights concerning ending your marriage.
In any case, be careful that you stick to facts, and that you share the facts honestly.
Your situation clearly requires a LOT of maturity, and you may find that you are simply more mature than he. Or, maybe he is too unhappy and over stressed to understand the betrayal of your trust that he committed. Either way, you need the support of someone outside of your very confused and painful household.
Hoping that you are able to FIND some way through all the troubles that are presently surrounding you.
I agree that it is worth your time to talk to an attorney.
You are in an abusive relationship. You need professional advice on how to get out.
What your husband is doing is incredibly disrespectful to you and your family.
If you want your marriage to work you both need counselling. Regardless of him agreeing to go, you need to attend counselling for yourself. As you are in school, check with your school for free counselling services. I know my Uni offers free counselling for students.
It is also worth your while to attend an appointment with a lawyer to find out your rights if you decide to end the marriage. Generally an initial consult is free.
Your situation is further complicated by the fact you have your parents, and his Mum living in the same house with you. Who owns the house? Do you and your parents have a place to move to if your marraige ends?
My personal perspective is that all adults need to contribute to the running of a household. This means everyone participates in chores and maintenence and everyone contributes financially. Now I am guessing there was an agreement that you would be going to school and not contributing money to the household, while taking classes.
His Mum is not staying in a hotel where she pays for her room, but someone else cleans up after her. If she is physically and mentally capable she does the work assigned to her.
In the heat of the moment, people will post something--and even if you take the post down in the next hour, hundreds of people could have seen it and shared it...depending on your level of security settings.
I don't even post pics of my grands unless their parents OK it!!
My DH gets crazy during the elections and FIGHTS with random people in the months ramping up to the elections. He actually had a guy threaten to kill him over a post he put up. Now, I don't know that much about what went down, but the guy had gotten our address!! I don't think it was smart of my otherwise-bright DH to put ME in danger from some nutjob.
DH LOVES to argue. I won't argue politics with him and he gets so frustrated b/c he cannot see the 'other side'. I bet he spends 5 hrs a day on FB, making snarky comments and being a jerk. I'm constantly being asked what's 'wrong' with him.
IT'S NOT OK to post super personal things on FB, but it doesn't stop people from doing it.
I routinely take FB 'fasts' and simply don't go there. I've had my feelings deeply, deeply hurt over time and it's not worth it.
Sounds like your family situation is pretty odd--but it can be worked out if everyone involved keeps it PRIVATE, which it is.
Esp over things that you feel tender about. Your education is important and you need it! Don't read FB and you can avoid the criticism.
Bullying is bullying, whether it'd done in a social setting or online. It hurts and if it's not making a situation BETTER, then it's not helpful. Being criticized hurts, and most of us already KNOW what's 'wrong' with us and we don't need the world to know.
Talk to DH and ask him to please not post negative stuff about you. Don't post neg stuff about him. Take a break. And maybe never go back?