I’ve posted before but things are escalating and I need to make some decisions. My mom is 89 and lives in California I live in NY. We never had a close relationship and over the past 30 years We’ve probably seen each other eight times and talk maybe 10 times a year. She has always had a difficult personality, extremely stubborn and kind of a snob. . Several years ago I tried to convince her 3 times to move out here into Senior Living where I could be helpful She declined. Shortly before the Palisades fire, she took a fall and wound up in rehab. She didn’tmove back to her apartment because of the subsequent landslides and as a result has been back-and-forth from hospital to rehab over the last year and a half. The first time she was discharged, she told them she had care set up, which fell through and led her back to the hospital. She just chooses to make decisions that are not the best for her because she thinks she can handle things on her own. I convinced her to go into Assisted Living after the last rehab. She complained nonstop about it. From the food to people weren’t responding quickly, expense, etc. She insisted on a facility that was right on the ocean! She chose to leave Assisted Living and returned to her apartment with no care in place. at that point I called adult protection. She returned to the hospital and to rehab now she has returned to her apartment again and has hired a legit co to take care of caregiving 18 hours per day to start. She’s been home for 4 days and she keeps calling me as does the company owner because she’s not happy about anything. She’s complaining that the caregivers are not giving her her medicine, and when I try to explain to her their limitations. All of this was explained to her the owner of the company met with her. In all the hospitals and facilities, everyone has said she is very sharp, so we do not see any signs of mental decline. She wanted the care company to send her people to interview and we explained it’s not how it works and that they would just send her people in accordance with the schedule until she found people that she did like and then they would be her permanent care caregivers. The 2nd day she sent the caregiver home because she didn’t like them and fired the company. Then she called me saying she was all alone had to take her medicine and was sitting in her own urine. I told her to call the owner back apologize and they started the service again. she had a caregiver in the apartment, and was speaking to me about them saying that she was stupid and not doing anything. I was simultaneously texting the owner of the company who was reaching out to see if I could help. Everyone calls me to see if i can intervene.I tried to reason with her rationally She became agitated and angry at me and even more rude to the caregiver. I was mortified. She has always been very difficult . Even the owner of the company when he first contacted her through a referral said he could tell she was going to be difficult. So now she’s alone in the apartment again tonite. I’m sure I’m gonna get a phone call later complaining that she hasn’t eaten or taken her meds. She uses her high BP to try to manipulate people into doing things for her. She’ll say “if I don’t take my medicine it’s going to be your fault on these caregiver’s fault because my pressure is high and I could die. “When I try to help, she doesn’t want it if I don’t help she gets so angry. The Social Worker ( and providers) in me says she’s mentally capable of making her own decisions, adult protection is aware of everything, she has a means to take care of herself & she’s choosing to make bad decisions. As a 62-year-old I no longer have to put up with her attitude. I am POA but only if she’s incapable of making her decisions. I’m an only a child. What do I do morally in this situation? What are my legal obligations? I just don’t want to be involved in this anymore and I don’t feel guilty either. Which makes me feel guilty. lol
Just because this woman gave you birth does NOT make her your mother. The fact that you say you've only seen her 8 times in the last 30 years speaks volumes of just how sad and dysfunctional your relationship with her has been. So why not just finish cutting the ties and get on with living and enjoying your life without the burden of this difficult woman who just happened to give birth to you?
I wish you well in letting go and letting your mom live with the decisions she's made.
Speak to APS and tell them you are not capable of helping her from NY. You are not uprooting youself for someone who does what she wants after things have been done to help her. As they can see, she is not easily pleased. Is it possible for APS to force her into an AL or do you just wait for something to happen where she is hospitalized again and you declare "unsafe discharge".
Me, I would tell these agencies that you are only to be called only in an emergency. Their aides will need to handle Mom on their own. I know they don't get paid much but they should know how to work with difficult clients. If the agency feels they cannot handle Mom, then they call APS on a vulnerable adult.
If your PoA has a criteria for activating the authority, such as an official medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment, then I think your hands are tied since you are on opposite coasts and she probs won't agree to testing (and she may not yet be sufficiently impaired).
There's a difference between Do I Want To Help Her vs. Can I Actually Help Her in the Way She Needs (Not Wants).
Morally, you've been trying and she's exhausting you. So, what would a solution look like?
You can give her an ultimatum: she moves to NY to be near you and recreates a DPoA so that you can manage her care.
If she won't agree to this, you can tell her that you will then resign your PoA and keep reporting her to APS until she becomes a ward of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian, who will not be you. You will let all her calls go to voicemail and just keep reporting her to APS.
There is not really a 3rd option for your Mom's care. She won't like any of these options.
You've tried to stay in the mix to help her but she's working against you. She's not happy no matter what so then you quit trying. That's what I would do. Step away. Getting a court assigned guardian and then most likely being transitioned into a facility IS a solution. It's the only solution that will prevent you from burning out but also meet her needs (not wants).
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you choose your level of involvement.
Most of us know what it's like to have a narcissistic elderly parent, And I'm sure it's so difficult being the only child that has to put up with this. The solution would be for her to have caregivers at home or go into a facility. Her personality makes it very difficult. You were on the right track when you said it takes time to find caregivers that she will like and that will suit her. You will need a nurse to come once a week for her to sort out her meds. The caregivers can give her med reminders if she needs them.
If She is mentally competent, then there is little you can do unfortunately. If she was my mother I would tell her that you have done everything you can to help her and if she isn't going to comply or at least try to get with their program that there is nothing else you can do.