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Apart from telling my dad he cant come home as mum is not strong or well enough to keep caring for him at home, what can we tell him?

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One of things people don't take into consideration is the amount of time Mom and Dad have been together. If one needs assisted living and more care than can be done at home, consider they both go together. Couples don't want to be separated. that's just my opinion.
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Well, when I worked in a senior center, there was a women who needed alot of care and a man who did not because he was the women/s husband, he went where she went. The most loving man I ever met.
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Tell him exactly what you have told us. Be firm, but resolute.
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Tell your parent that he needs more care than you/your mother can provide....get some recommendations from your doctor for facilities....I visited them with my mother....we talked about it, and she made the choice....and at least have some say in something...I moved some of her furniture and pictures...made it as homelike as possible...it worked out
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This must be such a heartbreaking time for you but since he is in the hospital let them place him. One thing that I know that is if you bring him home it is just going to start over again and you will end up in the same place so do it now while you have the opportunity. I would keep it very simple "This is the best place for you Dad, they are the ones who can help you." Something to that effect and be a broken record. I have said this many times on this site - it is often harder on the family members who only see their loved ones being agitated. I worked on a locked geriatric memory unit for 3 years and the family suffers more than the client. They would leave crying because their loved ones wanted to go "home" and the client would be fine once they departed. They often think of "home" as where they grew up - not the last place they lived. I had clients bring their parents "home" only to find this was not the "home" they thought they were going to. So hard and sad at times. My thought and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
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I actually had to do this with my husband. Almost 5 months ago, he was dying of cancer (actually, he died due to the treatment for the terminal cancer) which had been diagnosed about two months earlier. He had said he wanted to stay at home and that is where he wanted to die. However, after complications and side effects unexpectedly arose from his treatment, he was placed in the hospital to try to turn things around...which didn't happen. His family & friends, knew he wasn't going to make it and we also knew we couldn't take care of him at home until he passed. (there wasn't time to implement home health care. Hospice, in our area, can only provide 1-hour of in-home assistance a day.) It was extremely difficult for me to tell him...it would be best if he did not go home, especially when a Hospice coordinator had ignorantly and unknowingly given him false hope of going home. (He thought he had overcome the complications.)

I explained what was needed for his care and how difficult it had been for hospital staff to help him and we wouldn't have a staff to help at home. His sons and I, all agreed, it would be better for him if he remained there, where there were many skilled and knowledgeable people to care for him. While my husband was disappointed that he wouldn't be going home, he understood the reasoning and agreed. He was placed in in-patient hospice care, which is where he passed away a few days later.

You haven't given us many details about your parent's ages, health and needs. I would think if you and/or your mother and the doctor explained to your father what he needs in care and how difficult that will be to provide by your mother and/or your mother and you...he would understand and quite possibly would not want to be a burden. Will he be disappointed and saddened, probably. But, if reality states that home care is not possible...you have to respond accordingly. You, or whomever, have to explain that this will be best for him and the family. I wouldn't wait until the last minute to explain this to him, however. Give him time to sort things out in his head.

Good luck and peace to you and your family.
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If your dad is in the hospital, I agree to have the doctors be the one's to break the news that he can't go home. That he needs more care than can be given at home. It will be rough for a while but he will adjust to the new schedule with everyone's help. My mom had to go to rehab at the nursing home last year and she kept telling me I just dropped her off, but I used the doctor's. She soon became adjusted. When it was time to come home, I wish I had left her in the nursing home because now I can't do it anymore and I am needing my mom to go to assisted living or something to give me and my family a break. She is refusing and her caregiver found a new job with more hours. So it is back to me. I highly suggest you get this done now or it will be harder later. Good luck to you.
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My husband has been in a care facility for 10 months. He has problems walking and losing his balance. I bring him home every afternoon to brighten his day. I've told him in a gentle manner I can't care for him alone. He says he doesn't want to put too much work on me and we can't afford someone to come in 24/7. So far, he has been accepting this. It's difficult because if he's unhappy I am, too, so I try to keep his spirits up. I bring special treats for him and eat dinner with him at the care facility every day. So far, we are making it work.
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When my Dad got placed a year ago, there was a period of months when he tried to get out, asked when he could 'go home' and was very agitated about it. We just kept telling him that his doctor wanted him to be where he was 'for treatment' and that they were 'trying to improve how his brain worked'. He was very happy with that answer, and would calm down and agree to stay a while longer. He had dementia for years and really respected his neurologist, and at that time, could remember that he had dementia. NOW....he occasionally asks why he is staying where he is, but his references to 'home' when I try to clarify where he means, is never the house in Tucson that he left a year ago...but varies among other places he lived over his lifetime. Sometimes his childhood home; sometimes another town we all lived in when I was a child. So he's apparently forgotten his Tucson home where he'd lived since 1960. But I still just say, " Your doctor says you need to be here. This place is expert at helping to keep your brain working good' or something similar. Now he just says, 'OK...well I was just wondering where I am?" or Why I am here? and we go off to talk about something else. He does realize he cannot 'get out' on his on, because when Mom goes to visit, he often tells her she should be careful about coming in to see him, or she might be stuck there too. But there is not the same agitation about it. The correct meds help so much with the agitation.
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I think the biggest thing your Dad needs is the reassurance that he is loved and that all of you will be there for him to the best of your ability. You can't tell him this too much! Agree with him that this is not like being at home, but I am sure that if he truly cares for your Mom, he realizes the toll his care is taking on her. Wouldn't he rather have her come to visit him feeling rested and able to help him at his care facility - spend "quality time" with him? Don't promise more than you can deliver and then, live up to your promises. Do you have some of his favorite things from home around him? My husband loved having family photos from his den, my Mom loved having a favorite painting on the wall where she could see it when she woke up. If your family is spiritually inclined, you can redirect the conversation and ask if he means when is he going to heaven and answer that however your faith directs you. Don't brush his questions off or ignore them. Affirm his sadness over leaving a very favorite place and move on to another topic. Not a fun time in our lives - just tackle it one day at a time. Good luck!
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You're actually in a much easier position than if your Dad had to get this news while he's at home. I assume from the way you worded your message that he's in the hospital. If so, his doctor should have the conversation with him, explaining that he'll need more care than can be provided at home and that he should choose an assisted living or personal care community (or skilled nursing, if that's what's needed).

It's a whole lot harder for a family to address this issue with a parent when he or she is at home and perfectly happy with the situation (even if everybody else is miserable and overwhelmed).
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Sorry. That's hard. I'm going to have to tell Mom I can't do it any more.
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Oh, that's hard. Maybe you just have to tell him that your mum is on vacation but that would be hard to keep up if he starts noticing that you're not telling the truth :(
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