My dad is 99 and loves to talk. He has been in a nursing home since November 2023. His aging brain shows typical signs of dementia (rambling thoughts which don't always make sense to us) though he is still aware and able to have a conversation (kind of). Since leaving his assisted living home, he has been furious with his 3 daughters for moving him there, but forgets that we involved him in the decision at every step. He angrily goes over and over the same story of what he feels is betrayal. He doesn't realize how much care he needs.
My question relates to how best to respond to him. I feel it's better when I visit to let him vent a bit, but then take him to activities, sing with him rather than letting him continue to rant. I also realize my limits in taking his rants. My sister (who is power of attorney) thinks he needs to "vent" (he is verbally abusive), but I worry she will burn out (plus I don't know if that helps him). Any advice from those with experience is appreciated. Our mom passed in 2015 but her death was sudden and so this is my first time going through this.
Him being abusive is another.
You can't "remind" him that he was involved in the decision because he probably doesn't.
You can say:
"Dad, I'm sorry you feel that way. Why don't we go see if there is any ice cream (or whatever he likes) Or let's go for a walk outside"
"Dad, I don't like it when you yell at me like that. If you keep yelling I will leave." And do just that if he keeps yelling or being abusive leave. Before you go give him a hug and tell him you will see him soon. If he calms down when he sees you leaving stay a bit longer.
If your sister thinks letting him vent while she is there let her stay. That is her decision.
I don't think venting helps or hurts him. Just like a child that has a temper tantrum it is a way to express himself.
"Filters" that allow us to keep emotions under control get lost with dementia so it is not something that he has full control of.
If this increases or he becomes more abusive talk to his doctor about medications to help with the anger and anxiety.
When my 100-yr old Aunt with severe dementia would start ranting at me I'd tap her on the chest with my finger then wait for her mind to disconnect from her rant and look down. I kept my finger there, and naturally she would eventually look up at my face wondering what was going on. Then I'd take that opportunity to change the topic or activity.
I think your strategy of taking him to an activity is a solid one. Maybe don't wait for him to rant before doing it. My hubs is the champ of showing my Mom YouTube or Tiktok funny animal videos or (her favorite) people falling down. I think it's "easier" to distract them with something visual, so have it ready to deploy when you get there.
GREAT strategy
“You abandoned me in this place,” “oh yes, that we did.”
It would be interesting to see how he would react to that. Like, you know, there is nothing he can say or do that will change where he is or how he got there so why dwell on it? You do have to be secure in yourself and feeling no guilt that he is where he needs to be.
When my mom would get 'snarky', I would simply give her a hug and go home.
My MIL spent the last month of her life screaming at everyone in her sight. The only thing they could do was to keep her as sedated as possible. She wasn't making any sense and was unable to do anything but rage at everyone.
Lots of benzos probably saved the family's sanity. You couldn't mis-direct her or ask her to please speak kindly--whatever. Her language at the EOL was what DH basically referred to as "word salad'. Just words--not connected to each other. That may be happening to your dad.
I would personally think that the venting is not good for him. A little, a small complaint, but not to point they are just raging.
Is he on medication for this?
I'm with Barb....agitation is good for nobody ever. The goal with demented elders is to keep them calm at all times, not ranting!
I don't believe that agitation is good for anyone. I would speak to the Psych staff at the NH.