Wow thank you so much for your feedback. Veronica your feedback makes alot of sense to me and I feel like I can understand more of what mom is going through. I just want her to be happy but I still want my life too. She is pretty healthy for her age and her mental state is ok. I will read up more on dementia and watch her carefully. I'm hoping as she gets used to living with us she can be more open with me about what she is feeling. Thank you again for your advise/feedback...this is an awesome site!
At first I would bring Mom with me. She always ended up sitting by the cash register for a long period of time waiting for me. It was just to physically demanding to do this. Now, I remind her of the last time she went with me. She just waves me to go ahead.
Of course, Mom is never left alone. She is completely unable to communicate...she cannot be alone.
Mothermother, I agree that it sounds like there is cognitive decline. If that's what it is, it may not be apparent everyday, all day. It often fluctuates. My LO got real clingy. She didn't want me out of her sight. As it turns out, she was afraid and confused. She later told me that things looked different to her. She felt she was in a dream. She was confused about how to do routine tasks and she needed me to help her. That's why she got so clingy.
I'd follow up with her doctor . And re-evaluate the driving. I was fortunate that my LO got confused and scared in her car, hung up the keys and said she wanted to sell it. So, that was a blessing. I'd be very careful with her operating the stove too. She could forget to turn it off. I do not think it's that she wants to forget. Cognitive decline is not a choice. I'd try to be compassionate and arrange for someone to stay with her when you need to go shopping.
I think at the beginning of the aging process dementia or not the mental changes tend to come and go just like the physical ailments. You know how it goes one day your back hurts and the next day you feel well enough to dig in the garden. That is manageable because you know your own body and make allowances. When it comes to mental changes the perception is different. At first you are having 'senior moments" which of course we all do and learn to double check everything. You become aware that everything is "not right" but are scared to find out if these are normal changes or something more sinister. here fear begins to creep in so you don't drive after dark and gradually only take shorter trips during the day. You still want the independence but if there is a loved one nearby who is willing to take responsibility for you then you begin to rely more and more on their presence. Outside interests fade and your interest in things outside your ever shrinking circle begin to no longer attract. Gosh it feels good not to get dressed everyday or have a shower. This is specially so for someone who is now alone after the death of a spouse. Those who have always been alone cope much better and remain more independent. As soon as someone steps into take over it is such a feeling of relief and you really don't want to let them out of your sight. Some people of course feel a sense of entitlement and try to keep the adult child tied to the apron strings but others feel so frail and weak it is such a relief to just so as to speak return to the womb. How the caregiver handles this will vary depending on the previous relationship. It is not easy to step back from the situation and set boundaries because it is hard to recognise what is really happening. This is true of the loved one and the caregiver especially when this is a new experience for both sides. Everyone needs more training and knowledge of the needs of elders. Too many people need to learn on the job which can leave both sides dissatisfied. I don't pretend to know what the answer is and really only write from personal experience as I continue on my own journey
mothermother, honestly, I think she is showing signs of beginning dementia. Forgetting things like turning on the oven and getting lost are typical. Also being able to do them one day and not the next is characteristic in early stages. I gather this degree of dependency is new so it is another symptom.
Would the friends come to her to visit and give you some time out?
At some point she needs a thorough neuropsych evaluation - not just the mini tests done by a PCP. Are you able to discussed these things with her doctor? You could document them and give that to her doctor even if you cannot have a discussion due to Hipaa.
On another note, do you have POA financial and medical? If not it sounds like it is time to get them. . Does she still handle her own finances, and, if so, how does she manage? I gather she is living with you.
I understand the frustration and puzzlement. Has she been a manipulator earlier in her life, or is this new. Sorry for all the questions, but the answers help to paint a picture for those answering. ((((((Hugs)))))
Mom has a few friends nearby and I suggest she go visit them but she won't. She won't volunteer anywhere either. She hasnt been diagnosed with any memory issues but one day she says she doesn't remember how to turn on the oven and a week later she is baking something??? I'm having a hard time figuring out if she is just forgetting things because she doesn't want to do them or if it's the beginning of something. I've read several articles on dementia and it doesn't sound like she has that so I would have to say she just doesn't want to remember things. She gets lost driving to town one day but can do it the next??? I'm just puzzled and frustrated.
I agree with the suggestions above. I think it is typical of many elderly that they get fixated on one person as their "go to" person as their world gets smaller. If the LO is developing dementia or other illnesses, life is more confusing. Does your mother attend an senior day care or have a hobby? Other activities in her life might help her broaden her horizons. You do need some "me time" to survive care giving.
When we go shopping and have to do that kind of stuff, I tend to ask someone like my neighbor or mother to stay with her for a hour while she's sleeping. Then around 5-6 am I'll sneak out and do what I need to do. That way if she wakes up and I'm not there, she will have someone with her, but she's usually just stays sound asleep.
Thanks for your advise I will try that. Mom is able to drive short distances and can go on her own but she just wants to go do things with me only. I asked my sister to take her so I could get some me time but mom only stayed with her a few hours cause she said she had things to do at home. She didn't. Is this a normal thing with the elderly?
"Next time." And, if possible, create a next time when you have nothing particularly pressing to do so that you can take her, and she knows you're not just fobbing her off.
Mind you. If your mother isn't being left alone, then the thing to do is to make sure that she and whoever she's with are good and busy, and then slip out while she's not looking.
Of course, Mom is never left alone. She is completely unable to communicate...she cannot be alone.
I agree that it sounds like there is cognitive decline. If that's what it is, it may not be apparent everyday, all day. It often fluctuates. My LO got real clingy. She didn't want me out of her sight. As it turns out, she was afraid and confused. She later told me that things looked different to her. She felt she was in a dream. She was confused about how to do routine tasks and she needed me to help her. That's why she got so clingy.
I'd follow up with her doctor . And re-evaluate the driving. I was fortunate that my LO got confused and scared in her car, hung up the keys and said she wanted to sell it. So, that was a blessing. I'd be very careful with her operating the stove too. She could forget to turn it off. I do not think it's that she wants to forget. Cognitive decline is not a choice. I'd try to be compassionate and arrange for someone to stay with her when you need to go shopping.
When it comes to mental changes the perception is different. At first you are having 'senior moments" which of course we all do and learn to double check everything. You become aware that everything is "not right" but are scared to find out if these are normal changes or something more sinister.
here fear begins to creep in so you don't drive after dark and gradually only take shorter trips during the day. You still want the independence but if there is a loved one nearby who is willing to take responsibility for you then you begin to rely more and more on their presence. Outside interests fade and your interest in things outside your ever shrinking circle begin to no longer attract. Gosh it feels good not to get dressed everyday or have a shower. This is specially so for someone who is now alone after the death of a spouse. Those who have always been alone cope much better and remain more independent.
As soon as someone steps into take over it is such a feeling of relief and you really don't want to let them out of your sight.
Some people of course feel a sense of entitlement and try to keep the adult child tied to the apron strings but others feel so frail and weak it is such a relief to just so as to speak return to the womb.
How the caregiver handles this will vary depending on the previous relationship. It is not easy to step back from the situation and set boundaries because it is hard to recognise what is really happening. This is true of the loved one and the caregiver especially when this is a new experience for both sides.
Everyone needs more training and knowledge of the needs of elders. Too many people need to learn on the job which can leave both sides dissatisfied. I don't pretend to know what the answer is and really only write from personal experience as I continue on my own journey
Would the friends come to her to visit and give you some time out?
At some point she needs a thorough neuropsych evaluation - not just the mini tests done by a PCP. Are you able to discussed these things with her doctor? You could document them and give that to her doctor even if you cannot have a discussion due to Hipaa.
On another note, do you have POA financial and medical? If not it sounds like it is time to get them. . Does she still handle her own finances, and, if so, how does she manage? I gather she is living with you.
I understand the frustration and puzzlement. Has she been a manipulator earlier in her life, or is this new. Sorry for all the questions, but the answers help to paint a picture for those answering. ((((((Hugs)))))
Mind you. If your mother isn't being left alone, then the thing to do is to make sure that she and whoever she's with are good and busy, and then slip out while she's not looking.