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I went to see my mother in the NH today. She was not in good shape at all. She didn't want to see me, she didn't recognize me, she wouldn't eat, lots of other things. My question to the forum is this: in order for the POA sister to pay me for the gasoline to go there, I have to spell out exactly what I did there and this is the kicker, she only wants a positive report. She won't stand for a generic report such as she was holding her own, or she was fine, or she was pretty good. She wants me to lie and say she was doing great, she ate a lot of food, she was doing the activities and that everything was great. If I don't lie and say the facts, then POA sends me a vile, snotty email outlining what a bad person I am and how I am not helping her and otherwise just a bad email. POA won't talk to me on the phone and won't send money unless I itemize my activities there. I need the money, I can't go there w/o it. It goes against my ethics to lie, but I don't want her "yell" at me and I need the money. Should I go ahead and lie and just chalk it up to a dysfunctional family and say things are great? Your advice please.

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Well, brandywine, YOU know you are not one of the sibs that won't help. Visit your mom as much or as little as you want to. I'm just sorry Sis has the power to give or without travel money for you.
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Dealing with her and getting her to negotiate is like dealing with Hitler. There is no compromise. It's her way or no way. She is probably on here telling the forum what a bad person I am. In her view I am one of the sibs that won't help.
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Pstegman, She hasn't completely stopped eating, but almost. She still eat a cookie once in awhile. So I told her the truth and she wasn't happy with me. Now she won't answer my emails at all. That's prolly a good thing. Don't want any steel melted. LOL
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Tell her the truth and tell her if she wants to see mom before she passes on, she needs to get here within a week. Since she's the POA tell her she's the one who has to call Hospice. I'm not joking, the situation is that close. Once they stop eating and drinking, the clock runs out.
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The nurses and the aides will not tell me a thing b/c of HIPPA. I am like the next door neighbor. I just have to look around and see how mom is doing. Yes, she visits mom but I don't know how much and I don't dare ask how much.
Jeannie it is much more dysfunctional than I am telling you. I could write a complete book on the dysfunctionality of the situation.
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When you send the email try: regarding the visit with mother today the nurse/aid advised me:
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Does Sister visit in person?

What a dysfunctional situation!

Get out all the steel you'd like melted and tell her you can't give a false report and if she can't pay you without it you won't be visiting any more.
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I'm sorry your sister is such a pill. :(
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Blannie, Have to laugh at your answer. Do you want to start WW3? Sister has a very explosive temper. Her reaction could melt steel.
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Well the question is if you tell the truth, will she pay you? Who cares if she sends you a snotty email if she pays for your gas. If she doesn't pay for your gas, then fudge the truth. And consider stopping your visits if your mom doesn't know you and doesn't want to see you. Or just tell your sister you can't report a false happy visit and so you won't be visiting any more. See how she reacts to that.
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oh hell. that reminds me of our hospice nurses. they were forever trying to analyze mine and moms lives to see if they could find any sensible reason for moms bipolar swings or agitation. a few days before mother passed away i asked the nurse just what kind of progress are you expecting from a very late stage dementia patient? there is no good news, your mother probably isnt going to be around for long. see if your sister has a magic wand you can borrow. sheesh ..
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