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My mother has dementia and is in a nursing home. She is truly an awful toxic person she was very abusive to me when I was a child. So now I’m looking after all her affairs and to save my sanity I try to see her as little as possible. She never ever says hello or even touches me, I have not had a hug from that woman since I was prob like 5 years old. So Christmas Day I walk in her room and say merry Christmas! She doesn’t say anything just goes straight into criticising what I’m wearing (I know that I dress and present well) basically saying that I embarrass her, look at what I’m wearing (a dress below the knees I’m a size 8 but she thinks I look like a prostitute)
anyway I’m trying to sell her properties to help fund her nursing home care and the paperwork that’s needed to be done, the lawyers etc so much to do she just launched into me berating me about how I have to sell everything why haven’t you spoke to the agents they tell me you’ve done nothing! I’m like wanting to tear my hair out. She has very little understanding of what needs to be done (she speaks very poor English with low education to boot) so I just say ‘yes I’m looking after things stop talking to the agent he can’t do anything more’. She’s just obsessed with trying to tell me what to do but she has NO idea what needs to be done. She can’t read or write English so it’s just infuriating,
I actually have no idea what to do with her anymore. I was having a nice time at the zoo today with a friend looking at my favourite animal in the world (seals) and who calls me? Yes my mother and does she say happy new year? No! Hello? No - just straight into ‘why haven’t you spoken to the agent yet you have to do X Y Z asap stop wasting time and stop wasting my money’ I hung up I couldn’t take it anymore.
As soon as I can sell her properties and secure a permanent place for her then I walk away. I will keep managing her bills and medical directives and I may see her couple times a year but that’s it. She is driving me to the edge.
this is a woman who when told I was in a coma and may not make it through the night said ‘well who will pay her rent now? I can’t visit her I’m unwell myself’ she didn’t call me for 6 months to see if I was even alive!
and that was BEFORE her dementia
How do I deal with her? I’m worried she’s going to send me to the grave before she goes.
I will get counseling as soon as I can get one but in the meantime - I need to stay sane. God help me

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I so understand, she must be my mother's twin! I no longer talk to my mother, she has abused me all my life, no matter what I have done for her...it was wrong. When I was talking to her and she would start on me, I would pick up my things and leave. Also, would not pick up my phone when she called me.

When she eventually figured out what I was doing I told her if she starts her abuse again, I will leave...every time and I did! She would be good for awhile, but she just couldn't stop herself and it would all start over again...then I finally had enough, I have not spoken to her for 8 years and I never will.

I am so sorry about this I feel your pain.
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GoingBananas Jan 3, 2020
Wow ok this has been my tactic too. She’s only been in a nursing home for 2 weeks before that I barely spoke to her as you understand it’s about self preservation. Then she went into hospital for unclear symptoms so I begged them to assess her for mental illness at the very least. Then she was diagnosed with dementia. So I’ve worked tirelessly to get her into one of the best ones and she’s been vile to me.
so yes I say ‘ok if you are vile to me I will walk out’ and she’ll shut up for a bit. Eventually she starts again so I leave. Rinse and repeat.
i have to hang in there in order to finish my work in tying up her estate then I can walk away. She will be well looked after and I hopefully will be able to live in peace again.
I’m really sorry you’ve also had an abusive mother it’s so deeply unfair and unbelievable that a mother has children only to abuse them - why did they bother having children? For them to have someone to manipulate maybe but then we grow up and become adults and fight back! Because we are survivors!
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I know it will be hard, but try and let it roll off your back. I know, she hits a nerve. Longtime abuse. Dementia just makes it all worse. She can no longer reason so going that way is a waste of time. Language barrier is bad and will get worse. My daughter says Dementia patients go back to their first language. Saw this with an Italian lady in Moms NH. Her family owned a business so I know she spoke English. But since her Dementia had set in, she reverted to Italian.

I am big about saying...lose the phone. If all she is using it for is bugging the agent and berating you, then she doesn't need it. If you do take it, tell the DON and staff so they don't go looking for it. My daughter says she had to write a report only to find out a family member took the phone.
The NH staff will call you concerning any problems or emergencies. Tell them you want no calls from Mom. You will check in with the desk to see how she is or what she needs. If she is in LTC there shouldn't be anything she needs. They supply the basic needs. Clothing is about the only thing u need to keep on top of.

If this is how every visit is going to be, then don't go. She doesn't enjoy it and you certainly don't. And block her number. You r just allowing her to stress you out. You know what you are doing and your doing it as fast as possible.

Its going to be hard to walk completely away with guardianship. You have to have a certain amt of involvement to report to the state. And once gotten, very hard to get rid of. But once Moms money runs out, there won't be anything to manage. You can apply for Medicaid and allow the NH to become payee for her SS, if she gets any. Then u will be justva contact for making decisions concerning her care.

I am so sorry that a number of people on this site have had abusive childhoods.
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GoingBananas Jan 3, 2020
Thankyou for your input
Her money won’t run out so it’s also my inheritance. I have made sure she is in the best of care and have bought her new clothes and decorated her room. She’s seriously fortunate to have me. She has no one else other than one supposed friend she calls to whinge about her life. However that one friend she also uses to talk to everyone else on her behalf. She has no legal footing she’s just her last friend left. She doesn’t ever visit her just a phone friend.
taking her phone away is tempting and I think BRILLIANT idea. Once everything is in order then I can give it back to her. This is like having a child
she still speaks her very bad basic English but yes I know they revert to their native tongue. She had every opportunity to learn English but she chose not to

I am worried she will try to get me removed as her guardian and POA but I am her only living child and she has no one else. I have proven that I have done only what’s best for her so there’s no way she can even try to prove that I am as delinquent as she says I am. She’s just on a smear campaign. I think taking the phone away is the right thing to do
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It's sad that your mother was so toxic, but, at this point, with dementia......it's really not realistic to expect her behavior to have improved. Her brain is even more broken now, so expecting reasoning, appreciation, concern and logic, isn't reasonable. Even, very loving, kind and thoughtful people can become uncooperative and hateful due to dementia.

What is in this for you? If you are the court appointed Guardian, why not ask the court to appoint someone else, so you can be free from the stress and hard work? There are professionals the court can appoint to do this kind of thing. I learned first hand that dealing with a lot of caregiver stress can cause physical damage. I did it for a short time, but, the damage I suffered took me a year to recover from. Good luck with everything.
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GoingBananas Jan 3, 2020
You’re right - I do have a heart condition which she knows of and knows stress isn’t ideal. It is my inheritance in the end so I do want the best financial outcome for her properties so I think it’s best that I ensure that her estate is tied up the best it can be. I do want her in a good home regardless of how she is because of my own conscious and also I don’t want her dying on her own.
so I am trying to employ help in whatever way possible but I do need more.
she also had a financial scammer who I had to fight to leave her alone - it’s been hell
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I am not sure if you have POA, but if you do, you can hire someone to process these real estate transactions for you. They will have to deal with the situation and you can stop talking to Mum about it and further limit you time with her.

Seals are wonderful animals, I can understand why you like them. They are free to move through the water with grace. They are good mothers to their babes and live communally, but also have lots of time to themselves. I will be seeing many of them later today when I get to the cottage.
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GoingBananas Jan 3, 2020
Thankyou for your words. Yes I have guardianship and POA and she has little to no understanding of what they mean
I have an agent already assessing her properties for sale and possible rental while waiting for sale. I need to find lawyer to handle that soon. She signed a contract of sale already for one of her properties but she signed it 2 weeks before being diagnosed with dementia so it’s void and also signed a contract in English so she had no understanding what she was signing. So I do not want that estate agent to have anything to do with the property now - he knows he should not have had her sign such a thing without an interpreter.
it’s a nightmare as I still am preparing things and then will need the approval to go ahead and put her properties up for sale. She has NO idea how much work I have to do and have done. She seems to think it’s like buying a carton of milk

and seals yes your observations are interesting, I do love how they move gracefully through the water, and how they do like spending time on their own and with their friends, they are peaceful and so incredibly adorable - I love that they are called ‘puppies of the sea’ they do look like puppies
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