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She's young, 64. Healthy. She can’t care for herself and she is rapidly progressing. Experts tell me she still can adapt to the move for assisted living now but the longer I wait the harder for her to adapt.

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My one concern that hasn't been addressed here is that you're talking about assisted living. If she can't care for herself, assisted living may not be the right level of care for her. If her issue is memory-related, a memory care facility might be the better place for her than assisted living.

Please be sure you are placing her correctly so you can avoid another move that would be traumatic to both of you.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Frances73 Nov 29, 2020
In Ohio most Assisted Living facilities have a wing dedicated to Memory Care. These residents are usually physically able but have dementia or other cognitive issues. This is a different type of facility than a nursing home where residents are usually physically debilitated. I have found that many SNF's don’t have Memory Care as the staffing needs re quite different.
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If she truly NEEDS to be in 24/7 care, it is not really possible to “prepare” her for her change of surroundings as you would if she were well. Attempting to explain too much about her future is apt to make her anxious about venturing into something unknown.

Before you go, ask the social services people at her new residence if they have an established plan for introducing new residents to their new quarters. Typically, a low key calm arrival is good. You will be asked to bring small pieces of furniture and some familiar decorations from home, so that she sees them as soon as she enters her quarters. You may be asked to limit your visit on the first day to a specified length of time, and not call attention to your departure. You may also be asked not to contact her for a few days, and not to visit. If she has a cell phone it may be best to leave it home.

The day she is to go, tell her that you and she are going to take a ride to a pleasant comfortable place where she’ll be able to enjoy pleasant things to do and a chance to meet some new people. Do your best not to call much attention to your departure.

It will be harder for you to leave her than it is for her, and she will do better if you can remain placid and calm. This will be a dramatic lifestyle change for you both, but you have lovingly made the best decision you could with her welfare in mind.
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Reply to AnnReid
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My Mom was passed the middle stage of Dementia when I placed her. I just told her she was moving to a nice apt where she would meet friends.

I would suggest that if you place her to talk to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. You do not want to deplete your savings for her care. Medicaid allows for assets to be split. You become the Community Spouse. Your wife's split would be spent down and then you apply for Medicaid. I am just giving you the basics here, every State is different.

When you start looking at ALs, you may want to ask if Medicaid is excepted. In my State, you private pay for at least two years and then can apply for medicaid.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm so sorry for the distress her condition is creating for you both. You don't mention what her issue is ALZ? If so maybe you can "transition" her by using adult day care for a while so she gets used to being in a separate place every day? Or, have you considered moving into a care community with her, where you would be in an independent living area and she will know you are near? Just some thoughts...May you receive peace in your hearts and much wisdom.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I'm sorry you are going through this, but if your wife can't care for herself then a care center is the best place for her.

You can tell her that she will be getting the care she needs and that you will visit often and that you love her.

At 64 she is young, and could live many more years. I would trust the experts and get her there sooner rather than later so she can settle in and eventually see the place as "home". You can still support her and be her advocate from home. Your wife will also be around others and have more socialization than she would get in a private home.

With a staff to care for her you won't burn out, and you can visit as a loving husband instead of being so burned out resentment builds.

Have you looked at any facilities yet?
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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