My nonagenarian father with diagnosed dementia has finally been admitted to LTC. He also has severe kyphosis, CHF, PVD, CVD, and dysphagia.
He was always abusive toward me. He is seen as a saint in the community where he lives. I finally realized he is a covert narcissist and am trying to heal from a lifetime of abuse.
Even though I have put great distances between us for decades, which helped to some extent, the last ten years have been extremely difficult and hard on my own mental and physical health. After many struggles and having many crisis during the pandemic, he is finally not in a position of power over me after being admitted to hospital and then to LTC.
I am now going to see him in person and to clean out and sell his house. He is still asking to go home. How do I best handle this?
I have been told his dementia is quite advanced although he still knows me. I am so stressed and resentful that he has left me with this huge job.
Thankfully, my adult child is helping me with the clean-out and suggested that I repeat the mantra of “he has no more power over me” whenever feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy come over me.
But any suggestions of what exactly to say to my father when he asks me to take him home would be appreciated.
He also has the condition where he doesn’t know he has dementia. He thinks he is fine. Also it is a small community and I am worried someone will tell him that the house was sold.
I don't know any dementia patient who realizes they're losing it, so just tell him he can go home "soon" or when his doctor OKs it, on June 31, or just change the subject. Nothing you say will register anyway, so don't worry about what you tell him. White lies are the answer here.
I think when I see my Dad in a few days, it will register that he really is in a state of advanced dementia, and that he really truly holds no power over me. His dementia was very strange though. As recently as Christmas Day, he launched a tirade against me on the phone remembering grudges and things he disapproved from the distant and the more recent past. My brother and I are often in great disbelief during these long years of decline on the grudges he continues to hold against us and our Mom, who died ten years ago.
In addition to his abuse, he is and always has been a paranoid/suspicious/hateful person behind closed doors. To the outside world, he presents himself as the best human being to have walked the earth, and almost everyone, including his current caregivers apparently, all fall for the ruse.
Will go with white lies.
Because Covid is still popping up in the Care Home he is in, visits just opened up on May 19, and as far as I know, they are limiting visits to one day a week per family.
I hope this continues, as this will lessen the burden on me to visit more, and I will be able to work on cleaning out the house, paperwork, etc. Very grateful.
Are you POA or Guardian? If so, then get a good thetapist to meet with you during this stressful time for support.
Otherwise, I'm not sure why you would take this on.
Because my sibling lives within a 4 hour drive of my Dad and isn't a paperwork kind of person, we have been splitting the care in that my sibling had been going to his house every three weeks for many years to deal with his needs/demands. I dealt with all the financial matters, bills, computer work, liasing with healthcare, etc. and all that I could do from 3,000 miles away. We definitely both do our fair share.
So there is really no one else to take on the huge job of dealing with his house but me, as I take a month away from work. My sibling just is not in the position to do this. I am also DPOA. I do have a therapist who specializes in C-PTSD and NPD who has been helping me a lot. I know it's going to be traumatic, and I plan to continue to work with my therapist via Zoom during this time. My young adult child is also a huge support, thankfully. I am truly blessed to have such a child. Perhaps Karma is real.
I assume you are his guardian?
Is he on medicaid or self pay? May I ask what causes you to sell the home now, as opposed to upon his death? Have you discussed how best to do the sale with an attorney? Are you keeping meticulous records on all this? I am assuming the answer is yes to all the above if you don't tell me otherwise, that this is the best move to do now.
I am so thankful for the help of your very wise child. What a blessing that is. Please allow yourself to discuss things, and be certain to let laughter into the time of pain as well. Take this wise one to visit Dad with you. Your responses will go according to the cues from your Dad; I think you can't know how he will be/what he will say. If there is a lot of anger simply move away.
As to what the community thinks or says, quite honestly it isn't YOUR community, so who really gives a blankety-blank? When you give you all their sad comments, smile gently and tell them you "so appreciate the kindness". When they become nosy (and they WILL) tell them it is all quite honestly too painful for you to speak of, give them a dramatic pained look and move on.
I wish you the best. You will have stories to tell when this is over. I hope you share some of them on Forum. Remember, the past is gone. Only there to learn from. You have a wonderful relationship with your child. You have not carried this legacy forward, and that means you are very wise indeed. I wish you good luck.
I have finally found a good local-ish Elder Law Attorney. I have not signed the agreement yet, but I feel fairly confident that this firm is reputable and will help with all the details about the sale and the estate. This firm also has a nurse that is local and helps with dealing with care issues, which I think could be invaluable given that I live so far away and have already had issues trying to deal with the complexities of Medicare, Memory Care, LTC, etc. If this winter is anything like last winter, having a nurse on the ground at the local facilities would be invaluable.
Honestly, your post meant so much to me. I need to be reminded that I have not carried this legacy forward, and that is, while perhaps hard for me to see much of the time, one of the best things I have done in my life. Not only is my young adult child a support for me, he will go out into the world after this and share the love and understanding and wisdom he possesses at such a young age. Of that I am sure.
As I said above, I am continuing to read the posts the closer I get to my childhood home. I plan to print them out and post them somewhere in the house where I can read them again as events unfold. Thank you so very much...