Long Story Short … In last November 2015, Mom went to the facility that was recommended from by Memorial hospital due to numerous falls. The last fall was so bad that she had a broken leg and arm. It has been about 6 months later. She's depressed and keeps asking my dad who is 89 years old to bring her home. Note: I have cerebral palsy and Dad is old. Dad barely can't help himself due to his back and balance. Mom and Dad have moderate dementia. Now,every time we call and visit Mom at the facility/nursing home, she always be combative with my Dad and keeps giving him the guilt trip such as "If you really love me, you would have bought me home by now!" Also, she said ”if you can't have me, i want to die!" Dad keeps telling her "how can I take care of you?" Mom can't really help herself even though she thinks she's capable. My question is how can my dad explain to Mom without getting flustered. Mom gets really combative and Dad gets so upset by her. Mom always been combative when she was younger, but it has gotten worse now. We cannot bring her home because we can't see her falling everywhere at home. We especially DAD cannot help her. Please advise. Thank you for support!!

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Thank you folks for supporting me. As I mentioned that I am disabled with cerebral Dad and I are living at our house and Mom just recently living in facility/nursing home. Mom is on anti-depressant, but I don't know how much. Her dementia really confused me because she sometimes makes sense. Even though I have a few caregivers for myself provided by Medicaid Waiver program for the disabled people, I am the caregiver for my dad by helping him to remember things, paying his bills, making doctor appointments, etc. I think Mom is jealous that Dad sees me every day and we cannot see her everyday because we cannot drive. I love both of them and it's killing me to see Mom picking on Dad.

Sometimes soon Dad is going to facility because his memory is getting worse. He's in denial because he keeps asking me "what is wrong with me?" when he can't remember somethings about two minutes ago. So, yeah it's waste of my time to explain to him why Mom gets so combative and she cries when she gets angry at my dad.

I agree … Dementia is so cruel. I really want my "original" parents back to me… I miss them so much!
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Madtoe, my Mom [98] did that to my Dad, too. My Mom had a traumatic fall which zoomed her into a final stage of dementia, thus she missed most of the earlier stages. She had to go into long-term-care where she stayed. She could no longer walk or stand, or know where she was or why.

Mom use to be upset that Dad would come to visit her but he wouldn't take her home... Mom thought she was in a hotel visiting family and would get upset that Dad left by bus to go sightseeing [Dad never was doing that].

Dad was also in his 90's and at first he was believing what Mom said, like she told him she walked for 20 minutes [Mom couldn't even stand up] thus Dad thought she was coming home the following week. And he said Mom kept saying she wanted to go home.

I had to tell Dad that when Mom said "home", she meant her childhood home, and eventually Dad put two to two together by Mom's comments. I asked Dad to just play along with whatever Mom was saying. Then he understood why she was asking to call her sisters [all of whom had passed]. Just tell Mom "we will do that tomorrow".... keep the sentences short.

Mom has since passed, and now Dad is living in senior living complex which he really likes. But he has guilt that he could never convince Mom to move into such a nice place... she wanted to stay in that big house with all those stairs.... [sigh].
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Great advice! My mom had moderate dementia...she was so hard and so unrealistic to Dad that I wanted to throttle her sometimes. It just seemed as though she could not understand that Dad wasn't 40 anymore and he couldn't take care of her and everything else all the time.

As best we could, we limited Dad's exposure to her negative rants. We reminded her that Dad was an old man, too and we did what I called "rattling the keys" (refocused her attention like rattling the keys in front of a crying baby) and we cut the visit or conversation short when nothing else worked.

And most importantly, we rallied around Dad and let him know that he was doing everything he could for Mom - there was absolutely nothing for him to feel bad about.
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Mom needs some drugs. No amount of explanations will help. And poor Dad certainly shouldn't be responsible for making her understand anything!

Will Dad soon need a care center? (Does he now?) Maybe a good solution would be for them to be in the place.

Meanwhile, I agree about limiting Dad's exposure to the combativeness. Let's hope some drugs will help enough so these two people don't have to be separated at the end of their lives.

Dementia is SO cruel!
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She needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to help with anxiety and agitation.
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If you're dealing with two seniors with dementia, you're fighting a losing battle. Is your mom on an anti-depressant? If not, research that idea. If she is, I'd just limit your visits and the minute she starts in on the guilt trip, I'd say, "OK, mom, gotta go now" and get dad out of there or get off the phone.

You can't train her not to do that, if she has dementia. And you probably can't reason with dad, so that he understands that mom is making unreasonable requests. So about the best you can do is to limit his exposure to mom's guilt trips and make sure she's got the best medications to keep her less stressed and obsessive.
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