What to do when some family members don’t like certain people and do not want them to attend mom’s funeral?

Just announce the when and where.
NO ONE should be complaining or suggesting.
Are you mourning or what? I can't imagine anyone busting your ch-ps at such a time.

I am so sorry for your loss & Ihope you were able to have a beautiful & peaceful funeral for your mother. One that honored not only her wishes, but her spirit & the person she was when she was with you & her loved ones. I hope no one caused any problems during what should be a peaceful time for family & friends to come together to grieve, reflect, share sweet memories, & maybe even a laugh or two of their loved one.

Unfortunately, I went thru this when my mom died. My mom didn't leave a will, she didn't have anything to leave (aside from a few bills). When my siblings & I met with the funeral director to plan mom's services, I was flabbergasted at some of the demands 2 of my sisters were making. They had been beyond difficult, nasty,and critical during the last several months of our mom's life. Especially while my other 2 siblings & I provided Hospice care for mom in my home. I'm not sure why I thought they would behave any differently for her funeral arrangements.

After at least 2 hours of back & forth arguing I couldn't take anymore & asked if they were going to help pay for mom's funeral, they said no! I was shocked (yet I wasn't). That was all I need to know, and I turned to my other sister (who was helping pay & never left mom's side when we brought her home w/Hospice) and my husband and told them we needed to set a date & make arrangements. That's exactly what we did. We sat there with the funeral director and made mom's arrangements. Mind you, the others continued to interject and huff & puff...but to no avail.

While my sister & I paid for mom's funeral, we had no issues with any of our family taking part in any of mom's visitation/funeral preparations. Regardless, we were still bullied & ostracized. They did attempt to make some changes, but weren’t able simply bc they didn't pay for the services provided. (We never brought it up to them-it didn't matter). The day of mom's funeral we were told that we had seats reserved in the front for my immediate family & me, my sister & her immediate family. They said the chairs had some kind of cover. When we got there our other 2 sisters & their grown children (and their boyfriends/girlfriends) were sitting in our reserved seats & turned to smile/smirk at us. No big deal, we simply sat in other seats. The director immediately came & apologized and asked if he should ask them to move. We told him absolutely not & that he had nothing to apologize for. He & his staff already knew to be on high alert- and we never even had to say a word, they made fool's of themselves within the first few minutes we met with him & continued to do so until the end.

All we wanted was for our mom to have a peaceful, comfortable EOL with dignity, to feel secure, and loved & a peaceful funeral. We wanted her to be surrounded by everyone she loved for her EOL & her funeral. In hindsight, I wish I had stood my ground and made them leave/not let them visit when they were being critical & argumentative during mom's home Hospice care (but that's for a whole other post).

Most ppl say funerals are for the living. They give us closure, but we have them to honor the one we love too. We choose their favorite flowers for their casket spray, we choose their favorite songs/music/artists, we choose their favorite clothing & jewelry for burial, we choose the best pics of them to display, ppl give loving speeches in their honor, share memories, etc. To me, it is just common sense that any differences are set aside to ensure that a loved one's funeral is as peaceful & graceful as humanly possible. Making suggestions to the spouse/child(ren)/partner/executor in charge of the funeral planning is fine, and may even be greatly appreciated during their time of grief & not thinking clearly. But to be critical, demanding, and argumentative is just wrong on so many levels! I truly hope you were able to take any good suggestions & filter out the negative so that your loved one's funeral went smoothly.

Since funerals are open to the public I requested security. The funeral home provided some extra men in suits at extra cost.

Funeral services are usually opened to the public unless stated otherwise in the obituary. Of course my brothers were told of Moms death and that info trickled down to their kids. I called cousins and any Aunts and Uncles that were still alive. Told my friends who had grown up with her. Mentioned it on facebook. I guess the Funeral home placed the obit for me.

What I am trying to say is you really don't invite people unless you are keeping it private. And then, you do what Mom would have wanted.

You are Trustee of trust and executor of will. If your mother requested a certain thing in her will or trust then that should be followed.
Otherwise I think that this isn't a wedding. You don't do RSVP. You simply let family and friends know who, what, where, when and how of the services.
The opinions of others, if you have been put in charge of this, are irrelevant. Listening to them will only cause argument. There is no reason to listen to that so simply tell meddlers "I have just lost my mother. I have NO INTENTION of listening to this drivel. You are welcome to attend. If you do so you should be polite and then move on."

That should do it.

My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.

I'd carry out your mom's wishes and ask any troublemakers to leave the service. What a pathetic crowd to be making a fuss over a funeral, for crying out loud. I'm sorry you're dealing with such nonsense. I'd personally tell them all I don't WANT their opinions or suggestions and to stay home if they have any issues with who will be attending.

Best of luck to you.

The key is what you said, "what mom would have wanted." Do that and don't listen to the people complaining. How sad that they are dumping this on you rather than just comforting and assisting you. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. I just go through appeasing family members as I was the Executor for my Aunt. Also I know my Aunt would have approved of how she was remembered and celebrated. She didn't leave any specifics in her paperwork except to be cremated.

Some people do leave instructions, so hopefully you've looked through her paperwork to see if she specified anything. It's true you should memorialize and celebrate them in a manner that would not displease them... but funerals are also for the living, for grieving and closure.

We've had people pose this question before on this forum. I just don't know how you will control who comes and who doesn't unless you decide to have a very private "invitation only" service (no mention in the obit). It's a lot of stress to add to an already stressful day. If the unwanteds show up, what are your relatives gonna do? Make a scene? Start a fight?

Invitation only is more work but may be worth it. IMO you and your Mom's spouse (if still living) and your siblings are the only ones who should have a say in the funeral arrangements. If your Mom's siblings or cousins or such are voicing an opinion... I'm sorry but you have to draw the line. More decision-makers mean more chaos and division.

May you and your family have a comforting memorial for her, and peace in your hearts as you move through your grief.

Have the funeral you think she would want and disregard all of the opinions.

Its up to each individual person whether they want to attend or not.