We are both legally caring for our elderly parents in AL, though I'm farther away & quite ill. AL location was agreed to & chosen closest to sibling due to my disabilities & health decline from many years I alone have cared for our parents. Sibling has refused numerous times to answer questions I ask re: parents & finances, medical, etc. Also, I've witnessed many times parents in distress, need help & sibling refused to act, reply, or says not needed, doesn't observe their medical needs that I've seen for myself are needed, or doesn't act when immediate care is needed though I've said it is, and was right. Also, sibling doesn't do any follow ups drs say is needed.

Due to a recent dispute, sibling has cut off all contact, leaving me in the dark completely. Being disabled and sick, I'm unable to see for myself as often as I'd like or to do what's needed ~ or even to contact sibling to do what's needed. This recent rift is also causing me great stress and illness.

I don't know where to turn, but I need help. I can't get myself well worrying all the time, and this continued strain on me. And I'm very worried about my parents, their care, condition, especially in light of the conditions I've found them in before and things my sibling has said regarding their care.

Does anyone have any idea/s of what I can do? Thank you in advance for any advice.

I'm not sure what topic to put this under ~ Choosing elder law; elder abuse.

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Thank everyone here so much for your help, guidance, & support.  I'd like to reply to each of you, and will as I'm able. 

In the meantime, most importantly ~ please know that so many of your replies with suggestions are so helpful that I followed your advice right away, and was able to implement many of your fantastic suggestions immediately ~ and with great results! 

After taking these 1st steps of your suggestions, I was even able to finally get at least one night's sleep.  Though there's still much stress, your suggestions are helping guide me.  Thank you very much.

Please know how grateful I am to each of you for taking your precious time to reply, suggest, and advise me, a stranger .. and a newbie here.

* I hope I've not posted this in the wrong place.  I hoped replying here would be the way to reply to all of you who helped me.
Helpful Answer (1)

When placing your parents, were papers signed saying you were able to get info on parents? Do you have POAs in place? If so, then you can call directly to the AL and get info. You can see if there is a doctor in the area that can visit Mom. Some doctors have Nurse practitioners they send out.

If your sibling has POAs then they have the control. Call your County Adult Protection Services/Office of Aging. Ask for a "well visit".

Does sibling work? Have a family? Think, are you trying to control a situation and not considering what your sibling has to do to get parents to doctors and follow ups. Are these follow ups really important. I found that once my Moms labs were normal for a couple of times, that a Specialist was no longer needed and a PCP could take over. If you call APS, find out what services are available for your parents.
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Cautious question: what sort of concerns are we talking about, here?

Your parents are in an ALF. You and your sibling chose it together, yes? Do you have a reasonably good relationship with the ALF's management and care team?

What led to the dispute? When did this happen?

Are your parents still able to communicate by themselves, unassisted?

I'm sorry to pepper you with so many questions, but at the moment I'm in the dark. It could be that the strain of years, and your ill health now, are making everything seem worse than it is; it could be that your sibling resents being - as the sibling might see it - left to do everything and then criticised for not doing it the same way you would; it could be that there are serious matters that need addressing. I just can't tell.

But in any case, you ARE worried and we will all sympathise with that. So please say a little more about the kind of thing that you and sibling disagree about, and let's take it from there.
Helpful Answer (1)

Is there a POA?

The only 3 initiatives I’m able to come up with are

1.) contact an elder care trained lawyer or Legal Aid.

2.) Determine whether there is an Elder Care ombudsman in your parents’ geographic area and make that contact.

3.) If you have a trustworthy ally who can present as a neutral visitor, consider asking him or her to visit.

I understand your discomfort with your situation only too well, and I too am working to recover from a disability directly exacerbated by stress, and ironically, I am the principle, nearby caregiver and my antagonist functions from a distance.

Be good to yourself!
Helpful Answer (1)

lilhelp, you say you are both been "legally" caring for your parents...does this mean you both are named as durable PoA for both parents? Also, just want to clarify that when you say in "AL" you mean assisted living and not Alabama?

If you are both PoA you have legal recourse so you need to contact an attorney that specializes in elder law. Your sibling needs to be transparent with what they are doing regarding your parents.

If you do not have medical PoA, you can pursue guardianship/conservatorship but again will need to consult an attorney. In the case you gain control, what will you do? Move them closer to you or you move closer to them? How will you manage them from afar and in compromised health?

If you are PoA you can contact the AL facility yourself and get some answers. Good luck!
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