What to do when sibling is isolating your parent with dementia?

Shelly, I have re-read the thread and your responses. You do not live in their state. You cannot contact them, and apparently mail is returned or not responded to and phones not answered. You have already done the one thing you can do, which is to check on welfare and that seemed to come out that all was well. That would have been a surprise visit and it seems all was OK. You do not have money to pursue and it would be very expensive. You and your brother seem to have no relationship and your Mom has apparently chosen the brother. I would now step away other than a weekly attempt to call and check, a weekly card or letter sending love and offer of any help you can other than the financial you cannot afford. That is all that you can do with this kind of animosity between you and your brother. I am certain he does have his side which we are not hearing. And you have your side. But in the end, the main thing is that you are helpless to intervene in this situation, and you are wasting a good deal of energy on something you cannot change. You express you have a loving family that needs you. That is where I would put all my love and all my concentration, so that this next generation stays loving and close. Good luck to you, and so sorry this is likely a situation that you can not do anything about. Legal options often do not turn out in your favor. I was in a lawyer's office yesterday and it is 450 for the hour here, that being a GOOD price. So I would, if I were you, get on with my own life now.

Your parent is living with one of her sons. Is there reason to think that she is unhappy there? Does the son have POA? If so, since you have already once reported this situation (I am not clear on what led you to do that, but think it may have ruined an already iffy relationship?) I think there is no reason to report anything again. Is there something you are not saying? Do you suspect abuse is going on. I am afraid otherwise a sheriff is not going to take well a suggestion he run phone interference. I have a feeling that there is much here that we are not hearing. If you file for guardianship and get it, realize that your parent will be removed from the home and placed either with you, or in an extended care facility of some kind. I myself, firstly, am going to work as hard as I can to appeal to the better nature of a sibling who is actually giving apparently good care (when checked) to a parent. I will throw myself on that sibling's mercy, in fact. I will ask if there is anything I can do in the help and care of my Mom. I will plead for an opportunity to visit with them both now close to the end of her life. If nothing else, you would be able to more genuinely assess what the situation really is if you were actually there. I would be sending flowers, plants, groceries, and other assorted gifts as a start.

Are there other old or current issues between you and your brother? Part of the issue I can see might be that it sounds like the house belongs to your brother but if it is your mom's legal residence and she isn't refusing to see you I think you have some right's there. Guardianship might be difficult given that she is living with and being cared for, well from an outside perspective apparently, by your brother but unless you have been written out and turned away directly by your mom I don't think he can simply bar you from access to her. Now he can make it difficult as he already is but I'm not sure how he can totally cut you off, kind of like custody of a child I guess. Do you have any feel for why he is doing this, is it that he wants to control and inherit everything and is afraid you will ruin that or is it that he is actually overwhelmed caring for her and doesn't want to admit it or have you know? Would a sweet as honey approach and offers to "support all he is doing" maybe work to at least get you some contact with her, distasteful as it might be. I guess some of it depends on your main objective and if that is simply to have time and contact with your mom it might be worth trying the you are so wonderful approach with brother and then if that doesn't work the bit more forceful, I'm making a trip to see mom on these dates or simply calling and saying I will be there in an hour (leave a message), maybe offer to meet them somewhere for lunch or in a park if that's better. If that doesn't work or feel right then I would do something like the latter but inform the local police that is what you are doing and why (I simply want to see my mother) so if he calls when you show up saying you are trespassing or he feels threatened they at least have a heads up on what's going on and who you are, how reasonable you are and your intent. Depending on the officers you get they might help by handling things in a way that allows for an un-manipulated response from you mom about weather or not she gives permission for you to visit her or your brother might just give in when he doesn't have much choice. I guess the next step then would be to contact a social worker with Elderly Services in her area or maybe her doctor if you have access and get them involved for her best interest and mental health.

If your objective goes beyond having contact and open communication with mom or you can't put aside your frustration and bad feelings toward your brother enough to soft pedal it then you may be spending more time and energy fighting while he digs his heels in deeper than quality time with mom before she gets worse but your approach may need to be legal then.

I sure hope you and your brother can come to a truce of sorts and work something out here for all of your benefit but especially for your mom. Good luck.

Guardianship doesn't necessarily mean you become the guardian. If your mother has the resources, you can petition for the court to appoint a guardian of it's choice (usually an attorney the court knows) or a case manager that will bill your mother for his/her administration fees. Still that might work better than your brother being in control.

Guardianship is the only option.

APS will not respond back to you about any open investigations. I have found that in my state (RI), they really don’t do anything at all. I have a similar situation where my sibling won’t let me see or speak to my mom & it’s been 2 years now. If I try he calls the police & says I’m harassing her. She’s 97 & has had dementia for about 5 years now. He even took her to a lawyer & had her amend her trust leaving everything to him 100%. I’ve called APS repeatedly about the isolation but if she says she’s fine & he takes good care of her they don’t do anything.
She lives alone across the st from me & has had falls in her house so my last call to APS I told them how she’s not safe living alone & would not be able to get out of the house on her own in an emergency.......they finally listened & she now has to have a 24/7 caregiver. I’m still not allowed to see her but I’m working on it.
the police will tell you it’s a civil matter & wont get involved. Don’t give up though. It’s really terrible how control & greed goes to some siblings heads!