I know I need to put her in a nursing home because it has become too much to handle and need to place her full time but what if you are afraid she will claim to the facility you abused her, took her money and the nursing home might turn you in to authorities because she sounds convincing at times and believable if you don’t know her for awhile. Already went through an episode earlier in her care where she wandered to neighbor down the street and told them she was being detained, taken from her home in another state and her money was taken and did not want to go back to our house. That prompted the neighbor who did not know her to call the police which triggered an investigation and state social workers to come and interrogate the family including her individually then having to prove she had Alzheimer’s. Just a nightmare. Someone who doesn’t know her could be fooled by her in the short time.

What to do to be protected when people today jump to conclusions fast to turn you in and open a “can of worms.” I don’t know.

I really feel for you. I’m sorry i have no practical advice. I have just joined the forum. My mum is at present not eating or drinking although in ‘sound’ mind. She is depressed. I really feel for what you had to go through and can see how it could happen, how distressing for you. I wish you well. Look after yourself too.
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Reply to Sammy21

My relative is in an early stage of this. She has no filter so when frustrated she will say the most outeageous and hurtful things she can and scream them at top volume.

For example, she has a garden to obsess over as she goes from obsession to obsession throughout the day. She will play piano but must do so for hours playing the same piece and screaming at me (whether or not I'm there) if she makes mistakes b/c its my fault the music I got her is wrong.

She recently decided to spend all day making sure there was NO grass under a large bank of plants by picking each blade and then hand tilling the first few inches of soil with a little trowel. This took hours and she couldn't physically finish the job, demanding I skip work and do it for her. I indulged her for a bit but had to stop and the accusations began, at full volume, by the road and neighbors' houses. She ended up sobbing because she sort of realized what she was doing was crazy but still wanted to do it, I was gentle and let the meltdown run its course.

I have avoided being detained by making it widely known she is failing. The best thing you can do is record on of these accusation bonanzas starting. A video or audio recording where you offer a bowl of cereal, things are fine, and are then you are wildly accused of being a kidnapper... while she eats the cheerios... is awesome persuasive material.

Especially because you can show the video to people with your relative there while accusing you, and the relative, being incapable of thinking normally, will react bizarrely and prove to the people that you are simply a harried caregiver.

All my neighbors know she is disturbed and if she acts out to please help. They have all been in the house and all seen her struggle with basic things. I don't always help with these things such that she will go ask a neighbor (i.e. she wants an egg for something random, I send her down the street to the neighbor rather than drive to a store, and she wants an egg but doesnt know why), creating a community of care. And the neighbors instinctively respond with kindness then have a private talk as to how she is doing. They take her inappropriate social gestures gently.

Having a large group who writes off the accusations of abuse as nutty meltdowns rather than legitimate pleas for help can defuse a lot.

Our local insurance agent, eye doctor, they have all helped my relative through things like how to mail in a medical form or make an appointment. I don't offer to do it for her, I ask the professional if they can help her understand what to do. Then I sit there and make sure her incompetency is on display for respectable people who later defend my care of her.

Doctors generally won't openly make declarations of incompetency until it is really bad, so you need a community to back you up.
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Reply to BobbingWren
rovana Sep 24, 2018
You make excellent points - hiding incompetent behavior may backfire on you. Better that elder's bizarre behavior be well known by people who could vouch for you if needed.
Yoy have already been investigated, so if it happens again it will be no big deal. They have the records showing that they are dealing with a demented mind and will proceed accordingly.

Mandatory reporters usually need to see indications that the person is actually suffering what they claim, if you are around and treat her lovingly and address the accusations with appropriate reactions odds are they will know she is paranoid and there is no truth.

Best of luck getting her placed, she obviously needs professional care to be safe.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

You place her. Visit minimally, let the pros care for her.
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Reply to gladimhere

Has she been evaluated and formally diagnosed with dementia? If she has a formal, documented diagnoses, it’s written down by a doctor and can be presented to any authority who would investigate her accusations.
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Reply to Ahmijoy

Talk to her doctor and have the Dr. document she has delusions. He may be able to prescribe something that will help. Even if not, the documentation will be there. When you meet with the nursing home staff prior to placement, tell them she has occasional delusional thinking, but DON'T tell them what they are. If they hear she is making abuse allegations they may refuse to accept her because, if she makes the allegations in the nursing home it has to be reported to the state and an investigation done each time. Most nursing home staff are well versed in delusional thinking and with her Alzheimer's diagnosis, they most likely would realize it didn't happen.
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Reply to katydid1

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