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When mom first got diagnosed with dementia, she said she wanted me and my dad to make decisions on her behalf. She had an attorney draft a Power of Attorney and elected us, but never signed it. She has always refused to sign the POA because she felt she would be giving up her independence, now almost 2 years later, her memory is declining and now she has paranoia, delusions etc, and think that me and my dad are out to get her. Her dementia is so bad now she can't remember getting her worker comp checks and says my dad takes her checks because she doesn't remember cashing them. I took her to the bank and the bank confirmed to her that she cashed them all herself. They gave her a printout of all checks with her signature on them and she still won't believe the bank nor us. We have tried to get workers comp to direct deposit them but they said they can't.


Because of this she's considering making someone else who she always said she didn't want them to make decisions on her behalf. Shes gravitating towards the people who cater to her dementia and tell her what she wants to hear. I know if she was in her right mind she would never make anyone but me and my dad POA.


I know if we file for joint conservatorship she probably will contest. I handle all of her affairs and help her with everything, ever since she's been diagnosed.


Do any of you have any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

Putting up a good front “ known as showstopping” this is well known in the dementia and elder community and doctors and nurses have to be well trained and patient to recognize it and wait the person out. Anyone can put up a good front for 15 min visit. Not so easy when given a test or put under stressful situation. For example adding numbers, paying bills, taking a driving test with drive reviewer.
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my mother was very convincing for 10 years and changed POA constantly between my brother and I whoever she was irritated with at the moment and then wouldn’t sign.

I went to to doctor with her and made sure she got formal diagnosis and testing from him. Only to find out that POA require 2 doctors to declare incompetency... so you will have to check how it is written.

I began documenting her behaviour, neighbor, police complaints, etc, so I would have this record should the time come to back up any POA.

If mom mom is still relatively competent and doctor has not signed a statement that she is no longer competent to manage financial and medical decisions (and yes, she can have dementia but still not be totally incompetent); then you Should take mom and dad ASAP to banks and have them add you either to their accounts and/or fill out a special bank POA specific to the bank (e.g. Wells Fargo or BOA). These two banks have been known to freeze the accounts if you are not on the existing account as a joint holder.

They do not recognize outside POAs and have their own which they want you to fill out. Something they don’t tell you.

This will protect your parents and you and allow you to do what you need to do to protect your parents financial interest and monitor what is going on with the account.

Sorry you you are going thru this. But I had the same problem. My mom hoarded checks. I found $9800 uncashed checks in her bedsheets when I cleaned out the house. Sad.
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help4momplease Jan 27, 2019
Thanks for your very helpful answer, makes lots of sense, Even when she goes into the bank by herself, they ask her wheres your daughter you need help. She knows she does but refuse to let anyone take over. She says when her memory is gone she'll let us help her. I told her she needs to sign the POA before she loses her memory, because if she don't it will be to late. I know she will not add anyone to her account because she is very paranoid.
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If your mother was formally diagnosed with dementia, contact her doctor and tell them you need a letter confirming the diagnoses. It won’t matter what she says. If she appoints this person as POA, you can get the POA revoked.
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help4momplease Jan 27, 2019
Thanks for responding, yes the doctor have confirmed dementia, when she first was diagnosed, but i have not gotten a letter stating shes mentally incompetent. That probably would make her incompetent from signing the POA the attorney initially drafted but she never signed as well.
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If she’s deemed incompetent she can’t make anyone POA. And it sounds like she’s incompetent. She contest conservatorship but if she’s incompetent, she won’t get her way. The judge will decide what’s best.
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help4momplease Jan 26, 2019
Thanks for responding, that's what i thought, but when she gets in front of any type of authorities, she very convincing, and people always tell her "(You don't look like you have dementia)" if you talk to her long enough you can tell something isn't right. She knows how to put on a good front. She tells us she don't care what any doctor or judge says, she says she can do whatever she wants.
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