My mother was the best mom a son could have. Today, she's turned into a person I almost don't know. I moved both mother and my older, special needs brother into nursing home care this summer. (actually, he's in the nursing home and she's in assisted living, both at the same facility.) Two weeks ago, my brother was diagnosed with terminal abdominal cancer and given a few weeks to live. Mother understands what's going on, but insists on moving him back to her home where she can take care of him while he goes through the hospice/dying process. This is the same home we moved her out of (3 hours away) because she kept falling and could no longer take care of her or my brother, who lived with her. She constantly plots ways to get back home and is now using my brother's pending death as her way back. She knows we'll have to take her back home for his funeral, so every conversation we have she tells me "now, I don't want you to get upset, but I'm NOT coming back to this place." She accuses me of locking her up in a prison; says she's going crazy in this J-A-I-L (she literally screams the spelling of the word in my ear). Her assisted living facility is nice, clean and the staff cares for her very well. She says she can take much better care of my brother than I can (though I've literally cleaned him after he soils himself more times than I care to count.) I sat with him for 8 days in the hospital, along with my wife and daughters in shifts. But mother doesn't give us any credit for that. She keeps telling me that her friends back home could come see her and my brother and take her places, etc., and she doesn't have anybody down here to visit her. I guess the multiple times I go visit her each week don't count. A water line at her house broke and flooded her bedroom. I paid for the plumber to fix it and threw my back out ripping up soaked carpet over a three day emergency workathon weekend. She blamed me for the whole episode and accused me of tearing up her house. She baits me until I've had enough, and when I finally blow my top she accuses me of "disappointing" her with my behavior. I bite my tongue every conversation because she constantly throws out barbs intended to hurt and start an argument. She told her niece on the phone (with me sitting two feet away) "don't bother giving him your phone number, he WON'T call you back and if he does it's two or three days later." She knew I was hearing every word and said it to hurt my feelings. I'm a grown man with a family and college age daughters. I've literally turned my life upside down over the last six months to become the primary caregiver for my mother/brother combo. I've put my personal career development on hold at a time when I really need to be pouring on the coals at work. Now, my brother is dying and all she does is complain and plot how she's going to use his death to move back home. I'm sick of hearing her lecture me on how she could take much better care of him back home because "I've been taking care of him all his life when you didn't even care about him." I've told her that I don't answer her calls because she only wants to argue and I don't have two hours a day to have the same argument with her over and over. My mother who was once very loving has become an argumentative, cantankerous, mean old woman. I can't do anything to please her and the more I try the more she complains. We have set up hospice for my brother, but she gets angry if I go visit with him and don't go see her. Even though he's dying, a visit with him is much more pleasant than a session with mother. She comes from the old school where a visit isn't a visit unless you stay at least a couple of hours. It's a real challenge to deal with them both at the same time. She's threatening to change the will after my brother dies so I won't get all her assets; assuming she has any assets left when she finally passes. Then she'll tell me that she loves me and I'm her baby. This whole thing is so bizarre. I know everybody on this forum has their own personal caregiving horror stories, but having to be the primary caregiver to two adults simultaneously with no other siblings to help is driving me crazy. I don't have time to take care of myself right now. I don't have the energy to do things I normally enjoy, like going to church and ball games. Honestly, the whiskey helps a bit. Please don't judge me. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not superman either. I'm just facing the biggest challenge of my life so far and don't have any easy answers.
When she argues, get up and say, "I'll come back when you're feeling better mom". Hard to do. But do it to save YOUR sanity.
Your mom needs someone to blame for this tragedy. You're present, so you must be at fault.
My mom sounds like yours. She has early dementia. She knows the right now stuff, date, who’s president, but her executive reasoning is gone. She thinks she and Dad were just fine, her on the floor bleeding after a bad fall, Dad watching tv, I JUST NEEDED TO REST A COUPLE OF DAYS.
It’s hard not to get mad at her. I managed this madness from 3 states away for the past 5 years. I had to swoop in and get them both in care last week. It was a hellush few days. I am totally burnt out with these guys.
But I sent some Xmas flowers, I’ll call on Xmas day. I’ll keep testing the water for a while. My guess is she may hate me for the rest of her life. I’ll deal with it. I’m detaching. If she lightens up I’ll call regularly and drive down for visits. If not, I’ll pay the bills, manage their care and that’s it.
At least I know they’re safe and well cared for. The warden tells me they’re eating like starving wolves and enjoying all the prison Xmas programs.
You've already mentioned there are no easy answers, and you are so right. I wish I had answers. All I have is sympathy, understanding and commiseration to offer. I wish there was a way to just tune out your mother as your brother transitions. Your brother is the one who needs and deserves your time, and it's really sad that your mother can't do the same, but instead is making life much harder for all and for no real gain (from our perspective, of course, since I'm sure she thinks this is perfectly acceptable).
I'm caring for two family members on opposite sides of the country. While technically I do have other family members, no one is helping. I occasionally have my vices, like wine. I too am not in an abusive state of any substance, but I'm not Superwoman, either. I get what you are saying here - you are in survival mode.
I wish I had something useful to say other than I understand as best I can from my own experiences, and I'm sorry you are in this position. The others above have some ideas that may be of some use to you in your current situation. Please try to take care of yourself, but as you noted, there's little to know time for that. If you ever need to vent, talk or have a need for specific advice or ideas, please come back.
There are many out there like us. It ain’t fun but you’ll get through it. I like whiskey too but have to watch myself. Don’t want to be sloshed and get the call to move Dad to memory care. You hang in there friend.
When mom starts, you rise and immediately say as you make for the door, "I'm sorry, I have to run- I'll be back!" I don't even move mthr from where she's sitting as I expect it to start at any time. I don't sit. I stand at least an arm's length away so she can't dig her claws into me again. Nope.
Whether or not she is trainable at this point is up for argument, but YOU are trainable. You don't take abuse from anyone. You are honest with her - you have to run to protect yourself from her barbs. You will be back someday.
Because of the illness, everything is about her. Stop giving her ammunition to fire at you. No info on brother, no info on what you are doing. I would actually not visit right now until after the funeral. If she calls and asks, then say, "Brother is doing remarkably well all things considered. He's doing great." Or how about, "Brother is so happy right now, he's been released to go home. You should see him dance. I'm sure he'll visit you soon." Put it in spiritual terms - some call it therapeutic fibs.
When we are talking to people with ALZ, they are somewhere between this world and the next. They may have some insight we don't have, so perhaps brother will visit. Or not. But we don't need to agitate her further with details - any details - as she cannot appropriately express the emotions we expect. Because she is abusive with information, she does not need the info/ammunition.
It's hard. But it's better than drink. Go love your brother and DON'T stop in to give mom a report. Use "In-home" hospice there are the NH if you can. Peace be with you.
I wonder if you could distract her with memories of the good old days. Don't ask if she remembers, but share your memory. "I was thinking about the time we were all at the cabin, and our neighbor Joe came over ..."
Is there anything Mom could do to help with her dying son, right where he is? Does she visit regularly?
My mom had totally flipped out and was physically attacking my dad when they were both at home. She’d call the sheriff on him regularly and was very abusive verbally. I was summoned to fix the situation by my dad ( I live three hours away). Anyway, I didn’t know how to handle the situation but my intuition told me that first we needed to know what was wrong with mom. So she was admitted to Geri Psych unit nearby. A psychiatrist put her on a med that has made a lot of difference in mom’s behavior. I’m not privy to what it is apparently but it has given us back my mom, a bit befuddled but a pleasant woman. Agreeable and she likes the AL facility and seems content. So many times an appropriate med makes a huge difference.