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My husband and I had my Mother for 11 years before she passed and his Mother for 5 years. Three years we had both in our home. We had to put my MIL in Assisted Living as she became rude, complained about everything any chance she had and was never thankful. She has 6 sons, the oldest kicked her out after 4 months, she lived with another about a year, and we turned her care over to the oldest who now wants nothing to do with her and told her she needs to find another caregiver. She called me to ask if she can come back to live with us, but, I just don’t think I can do it. She doesn’t even like me and her son and I have been married for 42 years.


I have a soft heart so I’m torn. She expects you to wait on her hand and foot and complains if you go anywhere. Please.... What to do?

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Harden that soft heart!

You MORE than did your part. Refuse to entertain the idea of her leaving AL. She can ask the other sons. Aren't there 3 that haven't had the pleasure of taking her in yet?
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If I added it up correctly she has two more sons she hasn’t lived with yet.
At 11 years I think you’ve done your part.
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Another "no" vote here. Does she still drive? Does she have friends? She's a Big Girl and should be able to adjust, just doesn't want to. So much easier to be entertained and catered to by family. If you are wavering, please read the thousands of posts on caregiver burnout on this forum. L@@K at them very closely. Then tell her "no".
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Reg, I can relate. My father complains when my husband and i go somewhere because he wants to also. Understandable. But even when i let him sit by a cafe while we went out, he still complained later that he wants to go to far.

I would suggest assisted living is best for her so she can have the attention and care she needs, while you have your life.
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Ahmijoy, I love the idea of getting a dog. "Dear MIL, I think you deserve to be treated like a queen with a staff. So you need to stay put. Besides, we just got a new dog from a rescue group and she'd knock you down!" 😘
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Just say No, it is a complete sentence, you have done so much already. Keep your life. Let her stay where she is, it is best for all concerned.
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No, her care needs are beyond what can be accomplished by one human being in an ordinary home.

Tell her that she needs and deserves "staff" to tend her every need and that you know you will disappoint in that area, as you did in the past.

I'm not implying that your care was wanting. Some folks are too demanding to be borne.
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lealonnie1 avatar
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
Love it......deserves a staff to cater to the needs and desires of the Queen
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Please tell her no. Please don't allow this to happen to you. Please. I know it takes great courage when "No" has been hard to say all your life, but you DO know your limitation. You know you need to tell her "no". It is just hard. Tell her gently that you are very sorry, but no, you cannot do that. I doubt she will argue. If she does, don't go there. No promises. No argument. Just that you are sorry, but the answer is no. Ask her if there is anything ELSE that you can do to make things better for her. She will be angry. She might try anything. Stick to your guns. You know right now that the right thing for you is not to attempt to do this.
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Don't let your soft heart lead you to do something that will cause you to self-destruct. Adopt a dog or cat instead. You already know this woman is toxic to live with. She will ruin your health and quite possibly your marriage. She will try to turn her son against you. Why would you ever want to expose yourself to this?
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You say she is in AL,, leave her there please. If you think you can't do it,,, you already know you can't do it! And she dosent like you,, you will become her slave and scapegoat.. not your hubs. In comes the resentment monster.. not worth it. Go visit her, be kind and leave when your at the end of your rope. If you need an excuse,, say your house is not set up for her, your time is too busy to take care of her.. whatever you need to say.. but don't do it! If 3 out of 6 have already bowed out.. don't do it!!
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Just Say No. As many times as necessary. Soft heart or not, you know what type of person your MIL is, and how things will turn out if you let her move back in. She will ruin your life, plain and simple.

Just Say No.

Best of luck sticking to your guns!!
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